WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!????
3
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:20am
I STARTED TALKING TO OM AGAIN-- AFTER ALL THAT I ENDED UP TALKING TO HIM AGAIN- I DROPPED THE PFA AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING-- I FEEL LIKE I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO LET HIM GO AND EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT IN MY HEAD -- I KEEP FOLLOWING MY HEART!! HE IS BEING CALM AND SAYS HE WANTS TO WORK THINGS OUT FOR THE KIDS AND BECAUSE HE LOVES ME . HE SAYS IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT BEING WITH ANYONE ELSE AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME. SEE MY PROBLEM IS -- WHO AM I FOOLING ??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS -- I DON'T FEAR FOR MY LIFE WITH HIM -- I MEAN I DON'T REALLY THINK IT IS NECESSARY FOR THE PFA BECAUSE IF I DON'T GO NEAR HIM OR MEET HIM - HE CAN NOT TOUCH ME . SEE HE WILL NOT COME TO MY HOUSE. I JUST CAN NOT GRIP THE FACT THAT IT IS OVER - THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH HIM TO BE HAPPY- THAT THE WAY THINGS WERE IS NOT HEALTHY. SEE WHAT I MEAN ??? I KNOW BRAIN-WISE WHAT I NEED TO DO BUT MY HEART HURTS. WHETHER OR NOT IT IS ALL OF THE STUFF HE HAS DONE TO ME OR CONTINUES TO DO TO ME BUT I FEEL LIKE I LOVE THIS MAN AND HE IS A GOOD PERSON DEEP DOWN AND THAT HE WILL CHANGE- I JUST CAN NOT STAY STRONG . HOW DO U DO IT ?? I HAVE TWO CHILDREN WITH HIM AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY LIFE NO MATTER WHAT - WHY AM I SO IN LOVE WITH HIM -- OR IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN U ARE ABUSED FOR SUCH A LONG PERIOD OF TIME???? PLEASE OFFER ADVICE OR GUIDANCE -- I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO THAT CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS ??? WHY DO I KEEP GOING BACKWARDS - WHY CAN I NOT MOVE ON ???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:24am

Oh my Trisha.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:41pm
I have two kids with my 'husband' too. I'll tell you what did it for me.....

My 'husband' pulled a knife on me. In front of my 10 year old daughter. :( She saw it. She thinks that if she didn't enter the room and yell at her dad to stop, that he would have killed me. She, a month later, is still suffering from this VERY traumatic ordeal. She will most likely suffer for a very long time, forever maybe. *tears*

She and I attend the local DV shelter for counseling. I also attend the support group there. They have been great! There is also a PA-53 out on him. He is not allowed contact with me OR the kids right now. This was automatic when he went to jail and was charged with a FELONY! The judge also ordered temporary sole custody to me and NO parenting time for him! *clap* My daughter is terrified of him, and of seeing him. She said she is scared to death that he is going to come over here and break in. :(

THIS is what keeps me away from the a$$hole. He has abused me ONE to many times. This was the last straw. I refuse, REFUSE, to let my children see him kill me. And I do believe that that is the next step. He went from throwing/breaking things, to shoving me and pushing me, to putting my arm behind my back and jerking it up and hurting it, to hitting me, to punching me, to choking me and finally to brandishing weapons! What else is next? Yup, actually killing me. That was a hard thing to face.

Wednesday it will be one month since the jerk was taken to jail. And Wednesday he will be served with Divorce papers, a PPO, and the sole custody papers. Oh, not to mention how much he will be paying me for child support. *Insert evil grin here* I wish I could be a fly on the wall..sigh... But at the same time, I am terrified at his reaction. The kids and I will be spending the day at the Women's shelter or some such place that day, just to be safe. Like Morgan, I too, am terrified of him and his reactions.

Please for YOU and your CHILDREN, get out and STAY out! Don't learn the hard way. Don't wait until it is too late. Do it for you, and if you won't do it for you, do it for your children. Please, by staying you are showing your son that it is okay to abuse women, and you are showing your daughter that it is okay for men to abuse women. Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry a man like your husband? Do you want your son to grow up and treat his wife like your husband treats you? :( I know I don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:59pm
Huge hugs to you tenarie for you being brave and getting the heck out of there.