Can Someone Help me here?
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Can Someone Help me here?
| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:20am |
Hi. This is my first time posting one of these things so, I'm not sure what or how to say what I need to. I've been in a relationship with "S" for a little over a year and a half now. In the beginning things were fine. We did split up for about a month there in the beginning and during that time I dated another man. Since then, when we had gotten back together, he was always belittling the other guy, whom I was still friends with, and myself. At one point, he got so pissed that I had talked to him that he had stated that he wished he had a bus and he'd run us both over and just to get us out of his hair. This is the first time that I had ever seen him pissed like that. Yes, he's been upset before but, not outside of what everyone would consider normal. That time though, well, lets just say I thought he was going to knock my lights out.
That was a year ago and since then we've always had problems off and on. They seemed to of gotten worse when he was transeferred out of state for work, which is where he still is. He was always making comments about why don't I have more pride in myself like he does, or that men don't want me for me, that just want me for sex and a good time. They've gotten worse over the past months.
I've never been in a abusive relationship and I find it hard even now to say that I'm in one because he's not that bad. I know that I've been a bitch sometimes, and yes I know that this doesn't justify his actions. For the first time ever, back at this past Thanksgiving, he had gotten pissed at me because I spen too much time at the bar downstairs w/o calling and inviting him down (it was his damn apt though, go figure)and then not leaving with him when he did come down and he was ready to go. I stayed down there with one of his roomates, so he knew I wasn't doing anything. But, he was already a little tippsy from drinking and pissed that guys had been flirting with me, especially two African American males.
When I had gotten back up to the apt with his buddy, I tried to quietly come into the bedroom where he was sleeping, needless to say it didn't work and I pissed him off. That's what started the whole thing. He jumped out of bed to turn the light on, asked me who's numbers I had gotten, grabbed me by both arms and pushed me up against the wall so hard my head hit it and his buddy heard it from the living room. He was yelling at me and calling me a slut and asked me who I had slept with, but in not so nice of a way if you know what I mean.Then he threw me down on the bed. I tried to get away and finally got out of the bedroom.
I was sooo shocked by all of this that I started to hiper ventilate and my inhaler wasn't working this time around. My lips, fingers, and toes had started to go numb and I started to get even more scared. He looked like he was ready to cry and said he was sorry so many times I lost count. He begged me to stay and not to go. I stayed.
The first of December we were out at his home here in state celebrating my 29th birthday with a few friends. He had gotten pissed at me that night too, for what I don't remember this time around, and grabbed my head with both his hands and pushed his forehead up against mine, it hurt and left a red mark that you could clearly see for the next five minutes. So, I left the room until I could gather myself because I think one of his buddies that was not far away say what he had done to me.
Then, we didn't see oneanother for a month in Jan. Then two weeks ago, he came into town and we had a great day together until that night. We went bowling and while there I had moved my things a few times because people kept sitting by them and I had a lot of money in my purse. I was only trying to keep it close so I could watch it. Well, I was playing around and went up to him and acted like I was going to kiss his ear, instead I made a little pig noise. All I did was snort. Goofy I know. It was enough to piss him off and he stood up, right there in the bowling alley and stomped across the tip of my foot with his entire foot and wooden heal of the bowling shoe! Oh, it hurt so bad I wanted to cry and had a hard time since.
I told him that night that he needed to do something about his anger problem and he said he was sorry and joked around about it saying insurance didn't cover it anyway. Then he blamed it on me for making him feel that way. That I had made him paranoid by moving my stuff around so much.
Lets not forget that during the last visit he was here, my two year old was upset and crying like they normally do if they're not up your butt, he picked him up and yelled at him in his face. Mind you, this is not his child and he's had problems with me having them from the beginning.
Needless to say, a week ago I told him that he wasn't welcome back into my home or life until he got some help for his anger. He stated he doesn't have a problem, that I push him beyond his limits. That it's my fault, he was normal before he met me,which I know to be false. The problem, money wise and around the home, and with my car, he's always been there for me when I've needed him. He's tried to change in the past and things have just recently gone down hill because he's so far away. I've kept taking him back over and over again, regardless of what he's done. How do I stay gone this time? If he gets help like I asked him to, does it really work out? Or am I putting myself and my children on the line again for him to do something worse down the line? Please help me.
That was a year ago and since then we've always had problems off and on. They seemed to of gotten worse when he was transeferred out of state for work, which is where he still is. He was always making comments about why don't I have more pride in myself like he does, or that men don't want me for me, that just want me for sex and a good time. They've gotten worse over the past months.
I've never been in a abusive relationship and I find it hard even now to say that I'm in one because he's not that bad. I know that I've been a bitch sometimes, and yes I know that this doesn't justify his actions. For the first time ever, back at this past Thanksgiving, he had gotten pissed at me because I spen too much time at the bar downstairs w/o calling and inviting him down (it was his damn apt though, go figure)and then not leaving with him when he did come down and he was ready to go. I stayed down there with one of his roomates, so he knew I wasn't doing anything. But, he was already a little tippsy from drinking and pissed that guys had been flirting with me, especially two African American males.
When I had gotten back up to the apt with his buddy, I tried to quietly come into the bedroom where he was sleeping, needless to say it didn't work and I pissed him off. That's what started the whole thing. He jumped out of bed to turn the light on, asked me who's numbers I had gotten, grabbed me by both arms and pushed me up against the wall so hard my head hit it and his buddy heard it from the living room. He was yelling at me and calling me a slut and asked me who I had slept with, but in not so nice of a way if you know what I mean.Then he threw me down on the bed. I tried to get away and finally got out of the bedroom.
I was sooo shocked by all of this that I started to hiper ventilate and my inhaler wasn't working this time around. My lips, fingers, and toes had started to go numb and I started to get even more scared. He looked like he was ready to cry and said he was sorry so many times I lost count. He begged me to stay and not to go. I stayed.
The first of December we were out at his home here in state celebrating my 29th birthday with a few friends. He had gotten pissed at me that night too, for what I don't remember this time around, and grabbed my head with both his hands and pushed his forehead up against mine, it hurt and left a red mark that you could clearly see for the next five minutes. So, I left the room until I could gather myself because I think one of his buddies that was not far away say what he had done to me.
Then, we didn't see oneanother for a month in Jan. Then two weeks ago, he came into town and we had a great day together until that night. We went bowling and while there I had moved my things a few times because people kept sitting by them and I had a lot of money in my purse. I was only trying to keep it close so I could watch it. Well, I was playing around and went up to him and acted like I was going to kiss his ear, instead I made a little pig noise. All I did was snort. Goofy I know. It was enough to piss him off and he stood up, right there in the bowling alley and stomped across the tip of my foot with his entire foot and wooden heal of the bowling shoe! Oh, it hurt so bad I wanted to cry and had a hard time since.
I told him that night that he needed to do something about his anger problem and he said he was sorry and joked around about it saying insurance didn't cover it anyway. Then he blamed it on me for making him feel that way. That I had made him paranoid by moving my stuff around so much.
Lets not forget that during the last visit he was here, my two year old was upset and crying like they normally do if they're not up your butt, he picked him up and yelled at him in his face. Mind you, this is not his child and he's had problems with me having them from the beginning.
Needless to say, a week ago I told him that he wasn't welcome back into my home or life until he got some help for his anger. He stated he doesn't have a problem, that I push him beyond his limits. That it's my fault, he was normal before he met me,which I know to be false. The problem, money wise and around the home, and with my car, he's always been there for me when I've needed him. He's tried to change in the past and things have just recently gone down hill because he's so far away. I've kept taking him back over and over again, regardless of what he's done. How do I stay gone this time? If he gets help like I asked him to, does it really work out? Or am I putting myself and my children on the line again for him to do something worse down the line? Please help me.
Beka

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it's hard to go through pain - to realise that your relationship is the way it is - but in the end - well it's much better to the emotional pain than to have to put your physical safety at risk as well as your overall emotional well-being. tell yourself that what's he's done is not right. cry, cry and cry some more. and then get angry - and then go and get yourself some counselling so that you can come to terms with the extent of what he's done to.
you can do this. if i can - anyone can!
LEAVE HIM, NOW.
abuse always WILL escalate, especially physical abuse.it will not go away,he will not "get better"
do NOT fall for his act when he starts crying or begging,leave
Jen
please read as muvh as you can on this site, both the posts and articles,like the signs of abuse, the tactics they use and breaking the cycle,and try to learn as much as you can about this. You'll soon see that he sounds like a a total schoolbook example, blaming you for his outburst,the jealousyetc. Abusing your child is by far the worst thing he can do, and get this - you can be charged with neglect, i think, by keeping your child around someone abusive!
According to the great people on this board there is a "no contact" rule. By staying in contact with your abuser, he is still in control. i can't even imagine how hard that is to do, but it works aparently. keep reading and posting on to the board and learn from others. You sound very smart, and you see clearly how wrong things are, and by reading more about this you'll see that it is possible to get out of the situation.
Do NOT stay with this man because he is "generous" with money. He might just as well be using that as somekind of ownership over you, making you feel like you owe him something. I'd rather owe money to the bank to be honest - believe me, his interest rate is much worse! than the banks.
all the best to you beka :)
Hi Beka -
Jen, Ice and Human have all said it well.
CL-Blueliner4
Welcome to the board, beka19743.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
:o)
But, after reading all the articles, I'm embarrased to let my friends and family know about a lot of it because I'm afraid that they're going to think the same thing I once did. That I'm making a big deal out of nothing or that I'm over reacting again about nothing. He put on such a good show most of the time and I covered for him so much to make him look like this great guy, that now, I'm afraid nobody will believe me. I'm afraid that my own mother won't listen to me. I briefly told her what had happened and she really offered no support or anything at all.
I've always been so strong headed and willed. I can't belive that I never saw any of this and that I've let him take me to this point in my life. Right now, I still feel so much love for him and it's hard for me not to make contact with him. He's been a part of my life everyday for almost two years now. Even with him being out of town right now for work, we still would talk on the phone at least once or twice daily. I know that he has the potential to be such a great man, but his self esteem level is sooo low, it's awfull. I've tried to explain to him in the past that he could be so much more and could do so much more, that he's a very handsome man. Obvioulsy, it never worked and after meeting his parents back in November, the day after he pushed me into the wall, I can see where some of it comes from. His insecurities that is. His mother gets the same way about herself and she's the one that mainly raised him. Is that making any sense or did I just sound like him, making excuses?
I'm so confused right now, I'm second guessing everything I do and others around me. I'm feeling like I want to cry one minute, and pissed off at the world the next. I don't know who I can trust anymore because what if they have other reasons for doing what they do? What if they want to start what Steve did? How do I work all of this out? The more this goes on, honestly, I was less confused when I was still with him. I don't know what end's up anymore to tell you the truth. All in all though, I want to just thank those of you who have responded all ready. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me right now.
Thank you All,
Beka
And in seeing all these things I get even more scrared and want to tell no one. I'm going through a custody battle with my youngest son, who is two. If his father ever found any of this out, he'd surely use it in court against me. Steve has been a part of my sons life since he was on 10 months old, and he looks at him in a male role model way. I know I don't want him to grow up like Steve but, he really does have good qualities about him though too. When my son was in the hospital at barely a year old, Steve was there by my side and actualy stayed the night a few times, and he absolutley hates hospitals for some reason.
So, do you see why I'm so confused? He's tried in the past and I've seen him put in the effort. I don't know what to do anymore.
Beka
No, you're not making excuses for his behavior.
CL-Blueliner4
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