I'm such a mess!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
I'm such a mess!
13
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:28am
As you know, he came to my office yesterday to sign the final document to finalize the divorce. My boss will be filing everything at the Courthouse today. I thought I was ready for this, I really did. But, I'm not so sure anymore. All day yesterday, all I could do was cry. And now, I just feel scooped out inside, like there's nothing there. I just feel so *empty*.

My boyfriend has been so great about the whole thing. He even let me cry for awhile last night and didn't get upset with me. He's so understanding! But that just makes me feel even worse, because I feel like I shouldn't be sad about the divorce at all. I feel like I should be excited because we're closing on our new house in a month, but even that doesn't seem to cheer me up. And I'm so afraid that all the crap STBXH put me through is going to affect my new relationship. I don't want everything bad about STBXH to ruin everything good about my relationship with my boyfriend! I'm so afraid that I'll just "expect" my boyfriend to treat me like crap because STBXH always did, and that's not being fair to him at all.

Also, I found something out yesterday when I was meeting with STBXH to sign the papers. You may remember the mysterious hole that showed up in the wall of our former bedroom not too long after I moved out. (This was probably back in November or December.) Well, STBXH admitted that he got really angry after talking to me on the phone one night and threw our cordless phone from in front of the refrigerator (where he was standing) into the bedroom wall. That's a distance of about 25 feet. And he threw it hard enough to put a good-sized hole in the plaster. Now, the cordless phone in the living room doesn't work right anymore, and that's why. So, even back then, he wasn't changing. He was never going to change. But, I still don't feel any better about the divorce, even though I know things wouldn't have improved between us.

I was talking to my Mom a little bit last night, because she's been through this twice. She's on her third husband, and I think she finally found the right one! But, I told her that I *never* thought I'd get divorced, no matter what, because I'd seen her go through two of them, and I thought I had learned from her mistakes and that I would do better. I feel like *such* a failure! Maybe it's something that's wrong with me; maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage. I just don't know what to think anymore . . .

~Emm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:13am
Oh, Emm~

Big hugs to you! Even though I just filed...I know what you mean by the sense of "failure". There is so much grief and loss that comes with a divorce, the ending to a relationship with someone we have spent years with. To me, its understandable that it WOULD be hard...even in the most amicable divorces.

To me, divorce is letting go of all the hopes and dreams I had with my h. Letting go of the possibility of change. Letting go of everything. But letting go does not erase the memories shared, of the good times (however plentiful or few) spent together. I know I keep thinking about the loss I feel about growing old with him, of dreaming about the future--family get togethers with my daughters and their spouses (should they ever marry), having grandchildren, retirement and traveling. The grief I feel is overwhelming at times.

It seems that many of us here feel like such a sense of failure but the 'funny' thing is that we are the ones who tried the hardest. WE are not the ones who failed...it was our partners that FAILED US.

Also, I want to relate a Buddhist parable to you...and I might not get it exactly right, but close enough.

A woman tragically lost her young son to a horrible accident. The woman was distraught with loss and grief over her only son. She had heard that the Buddha could possibly help her and she sought him out. When she found the Buddha, she laid herself down prostrate on the ground before him and said "Master, I have lost my son and cannot bear to go on...please, bring him back to me". The Buddha, filled with the utmost sympathy and compassion for the woman said in return "Woman, I will return your son to you on one condition" and the woman agreed to do whatever it took. The Buddha said "Take this bowl. In this bowl I want placed a mustard seed from a family that has not be touched by grief or tragedy due to death or suffering. When you return the bowl to me, I will give you back your son". The woman happily agreed and went on her way.

The woman went to every home and every village she could find. What she found was that every home had been touched by death and by grief. As she talked to mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers, she realized that she was not alone in her pain nor her journey. She returned to the Buddha and told the Buddha what she had found...at that moment she was enlightened and realized that none of us is exempted from pain and suffering.

I don't know if this helps at all...it sort of helps me during very difficult times. I hope the Buddhist reference doesn't offend...I think the story could be changed to Jesus, Allah, Tara, or whatever it is you believe.

All of us here on some journey.....and we all have suffered much...some more than others, and everyone's suffering is alike and unlike each others.

Cry for the losses and have faith and hope for the future. It is because of YOU (and the others before you) I have found the strength to start this process myself...and I deeply thank you. Without your courage and strength...I don't think I could have found it myself.

Big hugs....much peace and love.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:33am

Emm, I have to ask this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:56am
Hey Girls,

A little insight from this old lady here. One thing you are not realizing that by getting this divorce you are actually having a chance for your dreams to come true. You will still have grandchildren, you will still have family get togethers, things will just be a little different. I was married for 27 years and stayed there because of those dreams of family and love. As time went on I found myself working harder to make the family get togethers happy. Traveling was only where fish could be caught. As far as retirement, I started finding things that I could enjoy alone so I wouldn't have to have the choice of fishing or being alone. The beautiful home I dreamed of has so many things that need repaired because Wendell couldn't bother with little things. This strong, happy woman is now in counseling to help her get back on track. The little babies that she brought into this world now have this need to try to control her, just like their dad did. The list can go on, but that is the reality of the future if you had stayed.

So...celebrate!!!! Remember life is about change and change is constant. Your life is just changing and your new wonderful life is just beginng!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:01pm

And why do you think you should be happy about the divorce instead of upset?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:17pm
Dharma, thank you so much for your beautiful post.

The parable about the woman who lost her only son brought tears to my eyes. I completely understand what Buddha was trying to tell her. She is not alone; neither am I; and neither are you. We can learn from each other's stories, and we can take comfort in the knowledge that there are others who have been where we are now, who have lived through it, and who are all the better for it.

I believe that my boss has probably already filed the final documents as I'm writing this to you, and I am at peace with that knowledge. I know it will all be over soon, and I know it is for the best. Good luck to you in your own journey, and let me know how you're doing. We're all pulling for you and, believe me, if I can do this, you can too!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:30pm
Thank you, Kristen. You're right, I'm not a failure. *I* was not the one who failed, *I* was not the one who broke our wedding vows first. *He* did, and *he* is the one who refused to do anything to fix it. We had been having problems for quite some time before I left, and the only reason he agreed to go to counseling with me is because I told him I'd leave if he didn't -- the perfect example of them doing things only to get us to stay/come back! I didn't fail -- *he* did. He failed at being a decent husband, and he failed at making his wife's life tolerable.

And, yes, I agree with you about what would have happened if I had been there the night he threw the phone into the wall. He loves to throw things and punch/kick walls and doors, which always intimidated me. I'm very glad I wasn't there that night. And the drug use in the house was becoming absolutely intolerable. I mean, it would be bad enough if he got high once every week or so, but *every day*?!?! That's more than just "recreational," if you ask me. It got to the point where my house almost *always* reeked of pot smoke, which I can't stand! He knew how much it bothered me, he knew it aggravated Caesar's allergies, and yet he *still* refused to stop. He knew that I would automatically get up and leave the room every time he started that sh!t, but did that ever stop him? NO! He did it anyway, because the only thing that matters to him is him!

And, yes, he also would hold it against me if I cried. He always thought I was just doing it on purpose to make him feel bad. He never realized that I was crying because *he* made *me* feel bad. Again, it's always about him. And Dave has been such a great source of support for me through all of this. He does get frustrated with STBXH every once in a while, but he never gets frustrated with *me*, and that's what's so refreshing! I'm used to "automatically" shouldering the blame for STBXH's bad moods, everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault, etc.

I would like to thank you *soooo much* for the virtual "shake" you gave me. You're right: "I AM NOT A FAILURE!" Thank you, again, and I don't know what I would do without you guys to turn to at times like this! :o)

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:41pm
Terry, thank you so much for the "reality check." It helps to know what would have been waiting for me if I'd stayed.

I know how hard it's been for you to make the decision to get divorced, and I know it was probably that much harder because you have 27 years invested, where I had only been married for 3 (with him for 6). I can't even imagine what it would have been like if we had kids (which he *very much* wanted). Based on the kind of husband he was (or *wasn't*), I shudder to think what kind of father he'd be. No one that selfish should *ever* reproduce! ;o)

You're right, I'm only 25, and I've got plenty of time ahead of me in which to enjoy my *new* life. I can still have everything I wanted with him, but I can have it with a better husband than him! That doesn't mean I won't miss the good parts of him, but the good parts were so outweighed by the bad things that I won't regret divorcing him. I know I can do better, and I *am* doing better. Thank you so much for reminding me that there *are* those who have tried to "stick it out," and that doesn't work with an abuser. We can all learn alot from your experience.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:06pm
Oh, Gabby, how do you always know exactly what to say? Here I am, using up another Kleenex. BTW, I really ought to buy some stock in Kleenex -- I'm probably keeping the company afloat singlehandedly! ;o)

Actually, now that I think about it, I've been out for five months as of this coming Thursday, and you're right when you say I've been in contact with him (in one form or another) that whole time. And I'm still living at my Mom's, impatiently awaiting closing on my new house on April 23. So, I feel like I'm kinda in limbo right now, and you're exactly right when you say this is a really emotional time for me.

I think it's almost a good thing that California makes you wait so long to finalize the divorce. Here in Pennsylvania, it only takes 90 days from the date he was served, and then I can file the final paperwork (which is what my boss is doing as I'm typing this to you). Now, all I have to do is wait for the decree to come back from the judge. IMO, that doesn't give enough time to get over that "emotional bump." You're still reeling from the shock of leaving him, and then the divorce decree comes back! There's alot to be said for states that don't allow "quickie divorces."

My Mom and I will be picking Caesar up on March 31, and he will be living at my boyfriend's house until we close on the new place. So, he'll get to meet his new "brother and sister" ahead of time. (Not to mention my boyfriend's cat, Max, who has an *unbelievable* number of toes!) Then, on April 23, we'll all move to the new place.

I do miss my pup, though. STBXH has already changed the locks on the house, so it's not like I can just go visit him. I haven't seen him in about two weeks now, and I won't see him again until I pick him up on March 31. STBXH says he's going to make a point of *not* being there then, but he'll have his sister there to let me in, so that at least is a plus. I honestly don't think I'll ever have to see him again, and that actually is starting to feel kinda good.

Things can only get better from here on out. Thank you so much for the inspiration that your story has been to me. Like you, I had no idea what was happening to me until after I had already left and started to piece things together. In hindsight, I don't know how I could have failed to see it for what it was -- abuse. You've gotten through this mess so well and with such an unbelievable amount of grace. You give hope to us all.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:26pm

I didn't say the wait was intentional.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:09pm
WOW, did Nerfy ever get screwed over by his paralegal?!?! As a paralegal myself, I can tell you this much: no-fault divorces in which there are no property issues to wrangle over are *not* that complicated! Whoever his paralegal was, she really screwed up. I'm not sure about California, but here in Pennsylvania there's not a whole lot you can do to "postpone" the process, so to speak, if you are on the receiving end, as Nerfy was. (I think I remember you saying you were the one who filed?) The only way he could have held things up himself would have been if *he* did not agree to the divorce. But, like you said, you definitely get what you pay for! And, like your paralegal said, you really do seem to have gotten a deal! It just sucks that you had to suffer through a longer "process" because of his legal rep's incompetence.

Paralegals are usually OK to use for a relatively simple divorce (like yours or mine), but an actual attorney is the best way to go if there are complicated property or child custody issues involved. Personally, since I am a Certified Legal Assistant, I would be *scared to death* to try to open my own practice. There's this evil thing called the "unauthorized practice of law," which is very easy to *inadvertently* do if you're a paralegal, and they *will* take away your Certified Legal Assistant (CLA) credential if you get caught doing that. The CLA Exam is *very* difficult. It's a two-day test (much like the bar exam or the CPA) and the pass rate on the first try is something like 40%. I was one of the lucky 40% who passed on my first shot, and I wouldn't want to have to go through that *ever* again! So, maybe his paralegal is dealing with some consequences by now (I hope!) and she will have to try to get re-certified (if they even granted her a certification in the first place).

Love & Hugs,

Emm

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