Still confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Still confused
11
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:28am
I appreciate all of the replies to my first post, I feel very comfortable here! It has been a rough week. Saturday was the last blow up we had. I am fighting a losing battle. We, (my fiancee and I) finally talked last night and I found out that he has abused women before. I asked him if he treated his ex's the way he treats me and he said "yeah". I tried to talk to him about a lot of things and I honestly don't think that he has a clue about the way he treats me. I told him that he is an abuser and he said that is "my opinion". I am so frustrated!! I gave the engagement ring back to him and have started looking for a place to live. I am stressing out because I think he will go off the deep end when he finds out I am looking for a new place. But, I am not staying because I know it will happen again (now that I know his history)because it always happens again.

Thank you for allowing me to "vent"! I hope this makes sense, I am kind of in limbo right now. I have some other poems I would like to share with the board sometime.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: aneokly
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:37am
Well, good for you for making up your mind. I'm amazed that he admitted hurting other women. He can admit that, but not that it is abuse. Amazing. Please stay safe. Make sure other people know of your decision so they can help. I don't know what I'd do without my fantastic roommate and my mother. My ex probably would have succeeded in keeping me with him (since he broke the phone). I wouldn't have had any choice. Make sure you have someone with you when you have to confront him with your decision to move. They will likely keep the violence in check, or can at least help to get you out or call the police if something does escalate.

I wouldn't give my ex the engagement ring back. I don't know why I wanted to keep it. Maybe part of me is still holding on. Or maybe part just was ticked that he had the nerve to ask for it back after all he did. Anyway, I kept it. My sister says I should make a necklace out of it. We will see.

Good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: aneokly
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:01am
At least you know he has abused other women, which I feel sorry for those women whom he did abuse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: aneokly
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:04am
i think it's great you have made up your mind to leave. you are taking steps in the right direction. now you should start planning it. but, don't tell him. talk it over w/a friend or a family member that you trust. if i was you and i had the ability to do it w/o him knowing then i would. he would come home and i wouldn't be there. my situation was different and your might be to. just do what you can w/what you have and whatever happens don't give up on this goal.

writing is a great way to release feelings. i write all the time. i write so much i've had to start typing. i have 3 notebooks full of poetry. my thoughts run so fast that it's easier if i type them. so now i have a notebook full of files. it's nice to be able to look back and read something and be able to know exactly how you felt. keep sharing.

good luck

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: aneokly
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:19pm

Hi Ane, glad we could help.


On the homepage, there's a link to a safety checklist for how to get out of the situation safely.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
In reply to: aneokly
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:28am
I am so glad and so relieved that you know what you have to do. You are very strong to make a decision like this. Its very hard to leave. You're lucky that atleast he admitted to you how he treated his exes. Of course they don't call it abuse, they think its normal. I remember telling my ex he was abusive and he got so angry with me and told me not to compare him to those kind of a--holes, even when i pointed things out to him that were abusive. He didn't have a clue, none of them do. To get an abuser to admit he is abusive is like trying to pull a tractor out of his behind. I thought if i had frequent talks with him guided him in the right direction he would eventually see what he was doing to me. Gee, was i so wrong. He would only turn it around on me and accuse me of putting him down. You're right you are fighting a losing battle and it gets very tiresome. Do not tell him you're looking for a new place and do not tell him where you will go because your safety may be in jeopardy. Abusers can not handle when their victims tell them they are leaving them and they usually end up being stalked, harassed, beaten, or killed. Please be careful. I'm glad you're able to express your pain and your emotions through writing. Its very helpful. I'll be happy to read more poems from you. Keep posting and take care. Hugs, Tia.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: aneokly
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:10am
Thank you for your encouragement! It is not easy to be in this situation as most of you know. But, I am in charge of my life and I am the only one that can change it. Her is another poem I wrote.


Roller Coaster

Am I okay? Somebody asked me..

I replied to them, "Yes of course, can't you see?

It was written on my face and not easy to hide

An emotional roller coaster is taking me for a ride

I can't take anymore! There is too much stress!

My heart is racing and my mind is a mess

Around and around I go

Where does it stop? Does anybody know?

This ride is crazy and I don't like it at all

I feel like crying and curling up into a ball

That does nothing, this I know

Eventually something has got to blow

The end is in sight, I believe it has to be

This ride was a journey, a trip inside of me.

The me I have been searching for all of these years

Was hidden away behind all the fears

Liane Albus

March 25, 2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: aneokly
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:44am
These writings are so good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: aneokly
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:15pm
Thank you! I feel like I finally have a place to post them. They are actually kind of a story about what I went through. When I was living with my first husband, it got ugly between us and one day I just sat down and started writing. I wrote 6 poems in one day! It was so cleansing for me to get it down on paper. I have 25 poems that I have wrote now and I go back and read them from time to time. It really makes me realize how far I have come and how much I was hurting at that time of my life. I would love to get my poems published! I have them posted on Poetry.com but have never really had the opportunity to get them published. It would be awesome if it happened though! I love sharing them with people-especially women who understand where I am coming from.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: aneokly
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:38pm

If you go over to metacrawler.com (I don't like Google, but I'm sure it has info, too) and type in "how to publish poetry", there's a bunch of links for self-publishing.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: aneokly
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:09pm
You are quite the poet. I wish I had your talent. I need something to pour all of my feelings into like that. Thanks for sharing.

Jen

Pages