I'm trying to

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Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm trying to
9
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:14pm
figure out why I am stuck where I am stuck at. Ok, he is emotionally and psychologically abusive and even if I don't want to admit that - he is EXTREMELY controlling, manipulative and jealous. But, as I have begun to really realize, none of that really really matters, what matters is that I no longer love him. That is the bottom line. So, I have to figure out why I am so afraid to tell him. I've done enough complaining to last a lifetime, now I need to take some action (I think). But I'm not confident enough to do anything. I'm still stuck on not wanting to deal with his emotional crap. And it is sulking and pouting and silent treatment, but I think that is what I need to do. Not necessarily provoke him to that point, but somehow I have to get the confidence to do the things that I feel he is stopping me from doing and then when he has a problem with it - don't back down. But I'm afraid. Not physically afraid, he has never laid a hand on me, has never hurt an animal/pet - hasn't even threatened anything physical. He doens't throw things. He feels hurt. And he blames me. But he needs to own his own feelings, just like I do. But I'm not sure that I'm the one to teach him. I am not responsible for him, his feelings or his choices. He is. How do I make myself really really believe this? See, I know the words, I know the actions, I see the manipulations, yet still I can't seem to get my courage to do what I need to do. Everyone here has always been extremely helpful, so once again, I turn to you.

Many prayers and good vibes to all of you as we struggle with our individual sets of circumstances. May we all find the answers we so desire.

Pam

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Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ples62
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:59pm

It could be a lot of things that are holding you back, not just one big thing.

CL-Blueliner4

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Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: ples62
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:36pm

It's so interesting that you talk about being afraid to confront him, to go against him because of what he might do.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

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Registered: 03-24-2004
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:53am
Blue and Bama couldn't have said it any better. They are both so right and i agree with them all the way. I remember being there and contemplating on leaving my ex many times. I had so many fears. I felt stuck and helpless. It felt like an emotional tug of war that was wearing me out. I knew what to do but i felt i didn't have the courage or strength. I always said all he had to do was screw up one more time and it would be much easier to leave him, but it didn't work out like that. Pam, you will definately know when you're ready to leave him. Not that i'm trying to sound like a psychic but I have a strong feeling it'll happen soon. Many hugs...think positive, Tia.

 

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:59am
Blue, Bama and Tia,

I guess I'm so tired of living this lie. I long for the day when I can be honest and truthful. Many things that I have read about being in abusive relationships is that frequently people get stuck at one of the points as they are recognizing their situation. It's like I'm afraid of making any type of commitment unless someone else has done it. I was like that even when we got married. I figured, where else am I going to go or do? Might as well. I settled. That is how I refer to it. Then I stuffed anything that didn't seem right. A friend told me almost two years ago, Pam - your not happy - quit analyzing and do something. I thanked her and now we seldom talk. I miss her. She is one I will resume my friendship with once I am free of his hold. But for me, the doing it is easier said than done. But I so want to be done.

Thanks for the support, I understand where you are all coming from. The next step I take, whatever it is, will be making a commitment to end this marriage. Whether it is telling him, or making plans such as a place to live away from him or whatever it is, it will be the decision to leave and for that, I am truly nervous about. I've never done anything like that in my life - I've let others do the tough decisions.

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Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:23am
Pam,

Gabby and Cheryl hit it right on the button. Wendell never hit me either. I was afraid to leave him too. In fact I just marked it up as my lot in life for years. Now after being out for 4 months I cannot believe I stayed that long. When I first came here I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realize that I was a victim like everyone else. Our stories literally mirror each other. Our "escape" and the circumstances that follow are all so similar too. Gee, and I thought I had something special! Like no one could understand why I couldn't do it. If we could do it, so can you.

What do I feel about my 27 year investment? Pretty good. I have two lovely children and nice home and friends that I have met because of my children. I consider Wendell my Italian Oven stock. As I look back I spent alot of time complaining too. In fact I'm sure I lost some friends throughout the years because sometimes that was all I could talk about. I just wasn't happy and I couldn't figure out why. I know you will find that confidence when you are ready.

Terry

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:12am
It's just plain 'ole fear. He has always had control over you, over everything you do and you're afraid. Afraid of what he can do to hurt you and we all try to avoid the pain. They have that strength and that control until we do what we can and have to and take back our lives.

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:03am
Pam~

Major hugs to you!!! I *know* exactly what you mean....it was/is the same situation here, too. No physical threats that make me fearful and bewilderment for the cause of my fear. Everyone who has responded to you has said wonderful things...and are right on target with the "fear factor". I know that fear has kept me stuck for so long. And I keep examining it all the time...wondering why. But there is a bigger part of me that no longer cares about the fear and I push through it...though, its hard and sometimes draining.

For me, its the fear of being a single mommy and be able to do it on my own, despite practically being on my own as it is...my h has not been there to be supportive, help out with household or childcare tasks or been there for me emotionally when I needed him...much less nuturing the marriage. I've never been naive to think that there would NOT be problems in marriage, and that there wouldn't be years of struggle...but I never pictured this, either. I see now that it will most likely ALWAYS be this way and I just decided that life is TOO SHORT to continue on this path of feeling deprived and cut down all the time. For me, my h fed into my fears and made me (and I allowed him to a certain extent) feel like I could NEVER do anything on my own. This way, I was taking care of HIS FEARS, which I think is the base for some controlling men.

My current challenge is remaining strong during this time....now that he realizes this is a reality, he's saying all the "right" things...going to counseling, apologizing, working on his relationship with the kids, being supportive of me. However, I have to keep telling him "these things are wonderful and great...but don't think for one minute that its going to change anything". I feel drained and dead inside...I have NOTHING left to give to this marriage and I will just never trust any changes that he will make. I also keep telling him that I doubt his recognition of the problems, because IF he did, he would have made the changes much earlier and would not have waited until I filed for divorce. But, deep inside its breaking my heart...its like "why? why did you wait until it was too late to do this???".

And there is anger, along with that fear. Anger at him for doing this to me. The other evening he made the comment that "I guess this is what you really want" (re: the divorce) and I flew into such anger (again, this anger creeps up on me and I never really realize just HOW angry I am!!) and I screamed at him "You think this is what I WANT? To be broke, exhausted, a single mother, stressed out beyond compare??????" I've tried to be a good wife and mother...and its so frustrating when you do your damnedest and its STILL not good enough and I sadly realize, it will NEVER be good enough.

Another example....yesterday my youngest had tubes put in her ears (he FINALLY agreed to the surgery!!!) Everything worked out well, PLUS we found a possible cause for her chronic ear infections (acid reflux!!! poor baby!). However, when she was being led away to surgery my h broke down, crying. AGAIN, I was the "pillar"....I kept calm and kept telling him that everything would be ok, she's in the best Children's Hospital in the area, that nothing would go wrong, and IF it did, she was in the right place for it. I took his hand and just talked him through it. Later, when she was done, she did NOT come out of anesthesia well (she was disorientated, screaming hysterically, nauseauted, gagging) and it was very scary. My h had this panicked look on his face (and what I interperted as anger)....again, I kept saying that everything would be ok, some people react bad to anesthesia, this was normal, she would be ok, etc. Eventually, she fell back to sleep and woke up an 1.5 hour later...and WAS FINE!

But here's MY reality....I was scared sh**less. I thought something was wrong. I thought I had made the wrong decision, AGAIN. I thought that maybe my h was right all along and maybe I should have listened. I thought maybe that everything my h always said about me was right...I wasn't competent, I was crazy, I was selfish and wanting her to have surgery for my selfish reasons. As I rocked my dd in my arms while she slept I just kept praying to God to make everything all right with her...and I kept thinking how will I ever do this on my own?? I just closed my eyes and just pictured a healing light encompassing my dd, healing her, protecting her....while I pushed through my fear and pictured that same light healing my wounded soul.

And, then, I realized....here I was DOING IT ON MY OWN. My h did not ask ME ONCE how I was doing. He was so self absorbed in his pain and fear to even CONSIDER mine. This is the way it has always been, and I suspect, the way it always will be. I pointed this out to my h this morning....and he hadn't even seen it, NO RECOGNITION whatsoever. I told him that this was WHY I was divorcing him...because he doesn't see it, anything.

I know this seems like a self absorbed post (sorry!) but I'm trying to point out that OUR fears, are actually their fears being projected upon us. There is NO REASON why we can't get out of these marriages and create a meaningful healthy happy life for ourselves. Millions of people do it EVERY DAY....we are no different. I've seen how I've created my own prison....brick by brick. But I think my h knew exactly how to hand me those bricks my feeding into my fears...and questioning my confidence, competence, and self worth. And the more we try to make things better, the more damage we are doing to ourselves in the process.

You get to a point when you decide its just time to push through your fears...when you realize that you cannot take it anymore. Does it make it easier? yes and no.....the fear is still there--but you decide to deal with it face to face instead of hiding from it and ignoring it and pretend like it doesn't exist. Does it take away the grief and loss...I don't think so...but again, you just decide to push through it.

Sorry for the lengthy post...I hope this helps somewhat (I know it helped me just putting my stuff down here...LOL!).

big hugs

dharma

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:23pm
You guys are all wonderful - which is why I keep coming back!

Dharma - thank you for your post, JT - I'm so proud of you. Those of us who have over 20 years invested really seem to hang on for dear life!

I'm glad it helped you to type it all dharma - I thought I was the only one who could go on and on and still have a point!

Yes, Tia, I like you, believe that my time is coming near, which is why my fear is greater now than it was before.

I'll be fine - because of all of you here.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:25pm
Newcan - thank you also - I don't have much time - but really, each and every one of you have continued to give me the support and validation I need.

As soon as I'm free, I will return the support and validation.

Pam