I need help and someone to talk to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
I need help and someone to talk to
7
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:01am
This is my first time here and i just wanted someone to talk to. My Ex will not leave me alone. He tells me that he owns me and that i have to do whatever he tells me to do. I cant stand it when he touches me. Is there anyone out there who can help me? I have thought about getting a gun and protecting myself but i fear that he would over power me and use it against me. I just want it to end. I want to have a normal life, is that to much to ask? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:55am
Hi hurtinginga and welcome to this board. I strongly advise that you get the police involved in this situation. Your life may be in great danger and i do not suggest you get a gun, you're right he may over power you and use it against you. What if you shoot him and end up killing him then you'll have to deal with more emotional distress, getting arrested, going to court and proving self-defense, etc. Or what if you shoot him and don't kill him and after he recovers he seeks revenge on you and you're always paranoid, looking over your shoulder constantly and wondering if he's stalking you. You don't need to go through all that mess. You're better off escaping from him and going somewhere he can't find you. Do you have somewhere safe to go that he doesn't know of? How about contacting a women's shelter if you don't have a place? I'm not familiar with women shelters but i'm sure someone here can help you with that. The only way you're going to get away from him is if you cut off ALL contact with him. He can't know your phone number, address, where you work, where you frequently go to shop, hang out, visit or whatever.

He doesn't own you and you don't have to do what he tells you to do. You don't belong to him. Abusers think they own their victims, they think they're entitled to control them, manipulate them, instill fear in them among many other negative things. It is not too much to ask to have a normal life. You deserve a normal and happy life. Please be careful and keep us posted. Please keep posting here to vent, to learn about abuse, to get support, advice, and feedback. Again contact the police. You can also call this 24 hr hotline number 1(800)799-7233. Many hugs and be safe, Tia.


Edited 3/26/2004 3:04 am ET ET by tia1029

 

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:00am
Hurtinginga,

Tia is absolutely correct - DO NOT GET A GUN! Check the home page for lists of phone numbers to call. Read and learn all you can. Work on building your support and your confidence. He does NOT OWN YOU. Nobody can own another person. Keep yourself safe, but start learning. Once you start to learn, you will see that his tactics are all a part of his game to make you believe him. Reach out to others, however you can, to help you see that he is manipulating you to be what he wants. And he has no right to do that. No right at all. Even God would not try to make you be something you aren't.

Keep reading, keep writing and keep learning. If you have any fear for your safety, call the police, they can get you in touch with a womens center or shelter to help protect you. But most of all, begin to realize, you are not his to own.

Hugs,

Ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:13am
Please, no guns. You don't know what could happen with a weapon like that. We've all heard too many sad stories about battered women going to jail trying to protect themselves that way. It's not your fault and you don't want to end up taking the punishment for his actions. Plus, if he did overpower you, who knows what might happen. Second, find a place to go. There is always somewhere. And avoid being alone if you can help it. Find a friend or family member you can trust to stay with you, or better yet stay with them. It's amazing what having some company can do to make you feel better. Also, you can get a restraining order. I had to do that. It was emotionally draining, but surprisingly easy. Now, my ex cannot call me, approach me or initiate any kind of contact with me. If he does, he automatically is fined and jailed for up to 90 days. I don't know that much about your situation, but that may be an option. And the time he spends in jail would give you time to find a place to go where he can't find you. Do that, so that he wont' have the opportunity to seek revenge. Take care and keep posting.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:07am
Yall just dont understand, If i get a retraining order it will only make him madder. he really hates to be told that he cant do something. i know that what i am doing is wrong but if i dont fight him i dont get hit. i just want it to end, if i didnt have a son to worry about i would end it myself. i hate my life and my son is my only reason for living. My ex makes me do such terrible things. i have confided in a friend and she wants me to come and stay with her. i cant risk her getting hurt too. if i leave he will find me. and if he want me he will not let anything or anyone get in the way of what he wants. He has told me on many occasions that if i tell anyone he will kill me, and i believe him. i just need to make him go away, i dont care if i have to go to jail, i just need to make him go away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:18am
We do understand. All of us have been in some sort of similar situation. You do have a son to live for and to stay out of jail for. Please seek out some help. There are people who are trained to help you with this kind of situation. You are not alone. Call a shelter or the police and ask for help. Tia left the domestic abuse phone number in her post 800-799-SAFE. Call it and ask for advise. Call the police and tell them you fear for your life. You have not done anything wrong. What he is doing is wrong, and illegal and you have a right to lead a normal life without this fear. Do this for yourself and for your son. Both of you deserve it.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:19am
Sometimes it is best not to get a restraining order for the exact reasons you said - it will make him madder.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:48am
thanks for your response, but you just dont understand, he will always be able to find me. we have been divorced since 1992, i have moved 11 times since then and he always finds me. if i get a restraining order it will only make him more mad. the angryer he gets the worse it gets. i just want it all to end. i cant stand it when he touches me and i cant stand the terrible things that he makes me do. i just want him to go away.....forever. I have fought until i just dont have anymore fight in me. He knows my every move. I finally opened up one day recently to a friend. she told me that i needed to talk to someone like you who has been there. thats why i am here. She wants me to come stay with her but i fear he will find me there and she could get hurt. that is the last thing that i want. My ex would be furius if he knew i told her, when he tell me that if i tell anyone, especially the police that he will kill me, i believe him. he doesnt know my friend, i have done everything that i can to make sure he doesnt find out about her, should i go and stay with her, what do you think? maybe i could just go and stay for a couple of days, i really need some time without worrying if he his coming over. i am just so tired, she does live almost 2 hours away from where he lives, maybe he wont find me right away. no i think it is just to risky. what do i do? i just cant think straight right now.