I'd like some input . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'd like some input . . . .
5
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:43am
When H and I have been separated before I'd have this hopeless, painful 'squeeze' in my stomach. I would also feel like the world was coming to an end, that I could cry at the drop of a hat. As some of you know, we have been married 27 years, there's been a lot of physical, emotional and mental abuse. We've separated several times; I've always let him come back. I filed for divorce last Friday. He was doing a lot of sneaky things - sold the cows without my consent, borrowed money from a joint account and then closed it. Not to mention all the lying he has done, trying to turn my kids and his family against me. I decided it was time to cut my loses and get the heck out before I was totally messed over.

Anyway, this time I'm not happy, but I seem kind of content. I don't wake up in the mornings with that sick feeling. My back isn't hurting and I don't feel that tense, stressed-out feeling in my scalp all the time. I'm so surprised at how well I'm doing. Like I said, I'm not jumping for joy, but it's like a peace has come over me. I'm furious at him for the lies and the way he's done, but it's just different. I've had a couple of people to say, "well, good, but it will hit you sometime". I wish they wouldn't say that to me. I know it's very possible and likely, but it's like I'm sitting and waiting for a bomb to go off.

Do you think maybe I've just finally had enough? Am I in denial? Maybe I've grieved continually for the past 27 years and I'm just grieved-out. I just don't understand that I'm doing as well as I am. Anybody got any comments?

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:59am
Jackie~

Nope, not in denial....you hit your breaking point and once you reach that point, there is NO turning back....like I say to my h "its done, done, done". For me it took 15 years...despite the difficulty I do have right now with his tactics, I still know deep down that this is the right thing to do and I've done all I could. Everyone hits that point at different times....some at a few years, some at 25+years.

You are doing as well as you are because you finally realized that you are someone of value and you DON'T deserve his treatment of you.

big hugs...keep plugging away!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:18am
Jackie, I agree totally with dharma...you simply reached your breaking point. I feel the same way since leaving my stbxh last January. THe times before I was weak and caved, this time - I'm DONE. There is a feeling of finality, I know deep down in my heart that I will never be able to love him like that again. There are times that I start feeling the sadness and thinking the what if he's really changed this time? but even if he has changed, nothing can erase the abuse from the last 8 years I was with him. Why couldn't he love me then, why couldn't he have changed the second time I left?? It doesn't matter to me anymore. Yes, the pain and insecurities may settle in later after the shock wears off a bit - this might take months -- and when it does, just remind yourself why you left and ask yourself if you ever want to live that life again? I know that I don't ever want to go through the pain of leaving again and having to put my kids through anymore than they have already experienced.

There are times I feel guilty because I am doing so well. Meanwhile, his life is ending, everything is so hard for him to get through each day, his life is awful! We've been separated for 14 months, you'd think he'd get it already. I haven't filed for divorce yet due to other circumstances, but will be definitely before the end of this year - maybe he'll file first and save me the trouble.

Keep the focus on YOU, your life and your goals. At some point you may have to greive the ending of your marriage and the dreams you had wrapped up in it. When that time comes, accept it for what it is, lean here if you need to and cry your heart out knowing you are exactly where you are meant to me. You are a Survivor and will get through anything Life hands you. We all have to experience pain in order to grow. Don't stress out over waiting for it to come, live your life how you want and if/when it happens, let it flow through you and welcome it because it means you are healing.

One of the daily meditation books that I read daily that helps me is *The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. You can actually go online to hazeldon.org and sign up for a daily email for Today's Thought. They did it here for a little while, that's how I found out about it. She is wonderful author and I've healed and grown so much from the daily readings.

Take care and know that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

hugs, jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 5:43pm
Hi

I haven't been around here in ages and ages, and I just read your post, and I am so happy and proud of you that you finally made it out. This time you are going to make it I think, you sound so much stronger and sure of yourself now. Keep it up honey!!!

Love you

Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:02am
Jackie,

It's only been 4 years for me, but I have broken up with Sean three times and gone back. I feel the same way now that you do. I was engaged, planning the wedding, thinking of kids and when he lost it that last time, I saw what it would be like for me and for my future children. I miss him sometimes, but I finally realized that this is the best thing for me. I don't cry all night, I sleep better than when he was here. I'm sure you will continue to do well because you decided that this is it. You have a wonderful life ahead and you aren't going to let him rule it anymore. Good for you.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:10am

It does sound like you've had enough, jthomer.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou