Paranoid or Potential Problem

Avatar for catz_play
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Paranoid or Potential Problem
7
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:56pm
Hello to everyone kind enough to read this:

First, I am new to this board and tonight is the first time I have "lurked" here.

Anyway, I am a relatively new relationship and haven't dated much in my life, so that is why I am not sure if what i am going to discuss here will be considered paranoid, cynical, scared, loopy, or possibly in a relationship with a contoller.

We had talked for about 3 months before meeting (via net) Actually we didn't meet through a dating site, but by chance over a username..anyway...we really just chatted and i didn't see it going anywhere as he mentioned he would like a family and I don't want kids...As we talked more, it was obvious we were clicking more and decided to meet. When we did he mentioned he wanted to pursue a relationship and I told him that while it would be great, I didn't and would not have have kids. He went on to say that he really never did, just thought that was "life" blah blah...decided to date..it started out really well then little things he said and did started to have little red flags. At first i thought, just me scared to give my heart away again, then just being so independent and set in my ways that that could be the issue...

So here are the potential red flags...tells me frequently i need to wear dresses...tells me what i can or can't wear to bed as if I wear a certain article of clothing, it makes him think I don't want him (still dont get that one) and the one that I know is a red flag is I am on birth control but want to use a back up such as condoms or other aids...he refuses condoms...tried a couple times but then claimed he ...well thats too much info...then when i got something else...when ever i was getting up to get it..he told me to wait and didn't want me to leave him...then later would try to get me to do it with out it...and ialways have to stop the play..i asked him what the hang up is and he wont give me an answer...

so paranoid or potential problems of controlling and abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:36am

RUN!


Hi Catz, and welcome.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:50am
Hello and welcome to the board. I'm glad you decided to "lurk" and then un-lurk and post! You have found an incredibly supportive place filled with AMAZING women who can always offer a wise word, a gentle hug or a shoulder to lean on. I owe much of my freedom to this very place. Here's the question of the hour for you: What happens when you CHOOSE NOT to (1) wear a dress (2) wear certain items to bed or (3) insist on condoms? This is the REALLY important part of the equation. My point is this, it is perfectly okay to make requests from your significant other; even odd ones AS LONG AS the significant other has the CHOICE to go along with these requests or deny them and the consequence of such a choice is not (1) coercion (2) threats (3) controlling or manipulative behavior (crying, leaving, instilling jealousy, etc..) Here's an example: When an argument would escalate with my X and I could see it going in this direction, I would almost always attempt to leave the scene -- have a cooling off period ( a time out if you will). My X would, however, race me to my car keys, grabbing them (no matter how hard he had to hurt me to get them), yank the phone cords out of the wall, block and bar the door, lock me in rooms or in the garage, make threats abut what would happen if I left (i.e. he would call the police and tell them I did illegal stuff, he would take the children and I would never see them again, he would change the locks, etc..) So, I guess what I'm saying is that just because a man prefers you wear dresses or wear certain items to bed, etc.. does not necessarily make him an abuser or a controlling person UNLESS when he does not receive the requests, he acts in a way that causes you to feel helpless, controlled, manipulated, jealous, fearful, etc.. I will say that it is always a bad sign when a significant other attempts to direct your personal choices -- dress, sexual conduct etc.. I would tread lightly with him, stay on guard, keep posting and reading the information on the board's homepage and be sure to be clear about your preferences and expectations with the relationship. someone who continues to cross your personal boundaries is DEFINITELY suspect. ~~~many gentle hugs your way
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:57am
Welcome catz,

I agree with Blue. You are in a fairly new relationship and he is already telling what to wear, do, etc. It's your body, not his. I definitely am not a dress person, so if someone wanted me to wear a dress, they better provide the fancy food and entertainment to go with it! If you feel uncomfortable now I can't see how it will get better. Also, it bothers me that at one moment he wanted a family and then the next he was ok with no children.

As far as telling what to wear when you go to bed with him....almost sounds like there is something very unnatural there.

Be careful,

Terry

Avatar for catz_play
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:32am
Hello and thank you for the welcome.

There is something to be said for gut instincts, but when you are a little "inexperienced" in the dating world and used to being independent,

its hard to determine if its guts or not.

We will be sitting down fora a chat this weekend (like it or not

and I will tell him how he is making me feel.

I will be prepared to walk if this chat doesn't do it (probably won't)

Sadly, it started out well and the only issue I had was a backup to my BCP

and though it was resolved (was for a short time)

Thank you!!!!!

Avatar for catz_play
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:41am
Hello, and thanks for the reply.

When it comes to wearing the dresses, I explained that frankly I am more comfortable in casual clothes but more than willing to dress up for the occassion. He did drop it and only brought it up once since (several weeks now)

The "what to wear to bed" only came up this last weekend so it could have been an innocent request, but of course I will keep my guard up on that.

As for the birth control issue, the sex is cut off if we aren't "doublely" protected. While I am sure that my pills work, it is..an insurance policy if you will. I half wonder if his religious background may have influenced that. I am not trying to make excuses for him...honestly...I just want him to talk with me...if he doesn't or won't this weekend, that will show me the "real" answer.

I want to give the benefit of the doubt and keeping my guard up will help. Of course I am very happy to have found this board and will keep reading. I just don't want to make myself a victim by getting to paranoid about things that don't warrant that.

No guy will ever let me feel that way (i hope ;))

Thank you sooooo much

Avatar for catz_play
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:20pm
Hi Terry,

I am with you, rather be in causual clothes and he knows that. As I mentioned in a different reply, he dropped it except for one more comment. I even asked what the deal with him early on with "dressing me" and he swears (i know they all say that) he wasn't trying to do that...hasn't mentioned it in a few weeks.

Yes, the kid issue was a flag and I talked with a dear friend of mine who believes some guys will say they want kids even if they don't because they think women want them and its expected by society. I told my sister about this last night and she says I should tell him I have an appointment to get myself "fixed" and see what his reaction is.

I don't want to make excuses and that is why I came here - to seek unbiased help to make sure I am not paranoid for what ever reason...

Thank you very much

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:32pm
Hi, I hope you are doing well.

I haven't read any other replies to your message, I am replying to you from my own past experience. I am a divorced mom of twins. I just got out of an abusive relationship. When the relationship started, just like you, there were things that bothered me, and were red flags to me. When I would discuss these concerns with my best friend, she told me I was being paranoid, and that I had to take chances to be able to find love. I wished I had listened to my own self instead of to someone else. I have not spoken to my friend in over a year, so she has no idea how bad things had gotten for me and that I was able to get out.

What I'm trying to say is listen to your heart. If something doesn't feel right, don't discount it. Believe me, if you push it away, it doesn't go away, it will only come back. I understand where you are coming from. You said you didn't date much. Neither did I. I was married for 10 years when my husband left me. Then I had two ill-fated relationships after that; the first one left me for my sister; and the second was abusive. You probably feel like I did. I always wanted to try hard to make the relationship work. But they didn't work anyway. Don't compromise yourself to make someone else happy. You will only be miserable.

As for my abusive relationship, those things that I had reservations about never went away. They were who this man was, and he wasn't changing. He was controlling, argumentative, verbally abusive, etc.

As for your specific concerns, maybe this is just a coincidence, but the controlling man that I knew never wanted to wear a condom either. I was on the pill, which suited him fine. But, unfortunately, it failed, and I ended up pregnant. So please, if you don't feel safe on the pill and want to use other methods of birth control, do it, no matter what he says. (Spermicide gels have worked well for me, and they are quick and easy to use). After all, it's your body. As for me, fortunately, I had a miscarriage, and I have no bond with this man, and I was able to get out of the relationship before me hurt

me. As far as your concerns about what he tells you to wear to bed -- I personally would have a problem with that. But what is more important is how you feel about it. If you don't like it, tell him. As far as wearing dresses, I don't think that is a big deal. I am dating a guy now how likes me to dress up when we go out. But the important thing is that I also like to dress up. I do it because I want to, not because he wants me to. Do what feels right to you, for you, and not for someone else.

I know you might think you have to put up with this guy because you will never find anyone else. That's what I used to think too. With the help of my family, I got out of the abusive relationship. A couple of months later, I met a real nice guy, who I am currently seeing. All I can say to you is that when you finally find someone who treats you right, you will understand how bad the other relationships were. Never give up hope. There is someone out there for everyone.

Good luck and please be careful.