Nervous about meeting with mom
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| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:05am |
I'm having dinner with my mom in a couple of days. She's caught on that all is not well on my home front and is worried and wants to give advice. As far as she knows, me and H are just going through that difficult time in a marriage when spouses get busy with work and kids and don't take care of their marriage. Oh, if only it was that simple. Anyway, her advice thus far is that we need to sit down and talk and try to work it out. Of course, I've tried that, and been met with either stonefaced silence or threats that he will make a divorce as difficult as possible.
Anway, I'm not sure how much I want to tell her. I don't want to cause her and my dad any grief. My younger sister has been through two marriages and divorces involving DV. I don't think my situation is as severe as hers have been, but still. Do I tell her about the abuse, even though it's been relatively spread out? What about his neglect of the kids? Maybe I'm still at the point that I haven't gotten it through my head that I need to leave the marriage either. If I tell her everything, then the decision will have been made right there.
Things are so weird right now. In Feb. March, we went through a phase of him being nasty. Threatening to throw things at me, kicking, calling names, etc. I don't know what it was, but I just checked out. Things are mutually indifferent right now, it seems like. As long as I don't ask him to take care of anything or do anything, he doesn't get pissed. Of course today, Mother's Day, I was on my way to the store and asked if he had gotten anything out for dinner tonight and he got mad and acted like I screwed up or something. At any rate, I have stopped depending on him to do anything, and he's kind of mad about that. Gets pissed when I say I am going to have my dad come in and help me look for a new car. That kind of stuff. Anyway, I'm rambling. I just feel like I can't go on forever with no expectations of him. And if I go back to demanding that he hold up his end of being a resident in our household, then it'll just go back to him being mad at me all the time. I guess perhaps if it looks like I am a single parent, and it feels like I am a single parent, then maybe I just need to bite the bullet and make it legal.
I don't know exactly what I want here. Maybe venting, I suppose. I am just SOOOOO nervous about talking to my mom. We'll be in a public place, so that pressure should allow me to keep my composure, I hope. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't blow a gasket and start weeping into my chicken alfredo.

You can tell her. If you are strong enough to put up with his crap, you are certainly tough enough to tell your Mom.
Love and Hugs
Sarah
I always advocate telling.
CL-Blueliner4
In a nut shell:
"It seems like as long as I don't ask him to take care of anything or do anything, he doesn't get pissed. If I go back to demanding that he hold up his end of being a resident in our household, then it'll just go back to him being mad at me all the time."
This is exactly his plan - it will never change. It's working to perfection for him because:
"I have stopped depending on him to do anything. Things are mutually indifferent right now. I don't know what it was, but I just checked out."
This is exactly the life he strives to lead! Part of you probably thinks that this 'distance' that you feel must pain him too. In reality, no demands on him to help or feel for any of you, is exactly his goal.
Re your Mom? She may or may not understand. My mom decided, after twelve years, to finally tell me what she really thought of stbx.(might of been helpful years sooner but, she did not want to interfere) I had an ally in her. My sisters? Another story. Just remember, most people, especially family, give advice with the *desire* to be helpful. We tend to put our Mom's in the catagory of a superhuman who's kiss has miraculous healing powers and hug protects from all harm. They are just people, doing the best they know how. Unless you've actually been through this, you really can't truly know the affects of abuse. You do not have to convince your Mom of anything.(and you can tell her that too) You just have to share with her and ask her to be supportive.
My father has some of the old school in him and has said things like, "Well now, boys will be boys" but he also has the old school that says, "I'm her Dad and therefore, you answer to me" The first time I had to go to court, I asked my father (the protective part) to go with me for moral support. I said, "If stbx comes up to you and starts acting like a 'long-lost-son' or a 'let's-go-for-a-beer-later' buddy, and you fall into that with him, I will consider myself having been betrayed by you. Will you go with me under those conditions?"
Let your family and friends know what you need and want as far as support goes. They will give it, if they are able. You, as I was, are so accustomed to your needs being ignored, or worse - thrown back at you as some kind of offence, that you've likely stopped voicing your needs all togehter.
Here is the bottom line. In all honesty, you said it yourself, "I guess perhaps if it looks like I am a single parent, and it feels like I am a single parent, then maybe I just need to bite the bullet and make it legal.
Good luck and keep looking up^, Susan.