Why can't I stop crying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Why can't I stop crying?
6
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:25pm
Does anyone else out there feel like a total idiot crying in front of people? I talk to my lawyer, I cry. I talk to my friends, I cry. I read all these messages, I cry. I guess I kept everything inside me when he was abusing me and it all comes rushing out when I talk to other people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:02pm

Hi illinigirl, and welcome -


Crying in front of people when dealing with the aftermath of abuse is natural, and it is a release.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:04am
I remeber being in your shoes a little over a year ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:29am
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Like you, I was told to shut up and stop acting psychotic any time I cried in front of my abuser. I am afraid I look like a head case in front of people and I definitely don't want this to affect the custody question. I just can't wait for the day the tears will stop flowing and I can feel strong again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:44am
You will feel strong again, you just have to give it time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:59pm
You definately have figured out part of it - "I guess I kept everything inside me when he was abusing me and it all comes rushing out when I talk to other people."

Here's the other part: (please remember this)

In the real world (read: abuse free), people cry. It's allowed and everyone does it. Think about the times that you have been with someone (someone you may not have not known all that well) who was telling you about something close to them and started crying. What was your immediate thought/feeling? Did you judge them? Did you want to help them? Did you think they were an idiot for crying?

When you've lived with an abuser long enough, the conditioning can really distort your view of reality.(How do you think his reaction to the last paragraph would differ from yours?) If you get fed your opinion long enough, you can't help but see off-coloured 'facts'. It seems, sometimes, that in order to truly detatch from the abusers conditioning, we almost have to go back to school and learn the real world, all over again. I think, the more *real* loving people that you share with, the more "real world" get's injected into the isolated, conditioned thinking. Share what you are comfortable with sharing. You'll soon know where you can shelter in a storm.

Also part of the other part: It's one thing to take action against what you *don't* want, anymore! That, in itself is exponentially empowering. Every step you take toward autonomy, excites and encourages you to take another.

It's a different thing when it comes to deciding what you *do* want. Especially given the fact that that has not been your to decide for a very long time. It's scary. That was, and still is my quest. To decide what *I* want. It is a good one. If you cry along the way, give thanks that you are now in a world where you need not be ashamed or wrong because you feel deeply.



Also on a positive note, I read a statistic (can't find it now, darn it!) that 89% of North America's male population is non-abusive. Even if half the abusers dupped the test, that still means roughly three of every five guys out there is really a decent guy.

The tears you are crying are tears of empowerment. For me, every time I cried, I asked myself what I could be doing instead. Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:37pm
Hello,

As a guy (yep, I am) from a kinda tough childhood, I can tell you that crying is not a bad thing and I can admit I have done it, not enough and not at the right times, but one for sure was. I was sharing my soul with one I love dearly and it's ok :-) I told her I was a strong man made stronger by her (she suffered decades of phycical/emotional abuse and is a real survivor).

There is no doubt that you did "save up" some of those tears from abuse, and you cry in front of those you feel safe with, but not him! So yes, it's normal. Now don't stay down, please. Some women have to reach the bottom to climb up. I hope you don't. It will temporarily kill your wonderful spirit and you won't be YOU! That's when yo uare at yoiur best, when YOU are YOU.

So cry, act, and then....smile. That's ok too.