What do I do first?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
What do I do first?
6
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:39pm
I've noticed a couple things about myself lately. But most of all I realize that I must DO something - anything. No matter how much I hope and pray that he goes away, I have to realize and accept that it isn't going to happen by his hand. It will have to be mine. I've been reading a lot about co-dependency and feel I fit the bill. Now, my dh is not an alcoholic, never has been. Although when we first met, we did the normal drinking occasionally - I don't think he was ever addicted to it. My co-dependency is probably from my childhood, although even there their wasn't any alcoholics. But you don't have to be near an alcoholic to become co-dependent. I have been trained so well at having this "grandiose" feeling of being responsible for everything that I willingly shoulder everything that comes my way. I am working on that issue now.

I know that trying to talk with my dh is not a good idea. He won't see things as I do. I also know that I don't owe him any sort of explaination. These are my feelings. And whether he agrees with them or likes them or doesn't is HIS PROBLEM. (yeah, easier said than believed! :) ) How do I begin to leave? I have done many things lately and he has been so much better recently, I know not to trust it to last though. I want some time to myself, but I'm concerned about my son. Not for him physically, but emotionally. And, even as I type that, I realize that I am being co-dependent with him as well! You see, I'm thinking I'm the only one who can be sure he is ok. He won't be ok with out me. So not true, he will be ok without me for a short time, yes, he will miss me, but he would be ok. And he should understand that I need to do this for me. I'm sure that he would understand, I just don't want to put him in the middle of anything by telling him too much of what I'm thinking I want to do before I do it because I don't want dh prying stuff out of him (ds). Oh, goodness, why can't I just leave? Just pack my bags and take my son and run for the hills? I don't have to talk with him. He will never see it from my point of view. He will always be angry with me. It will be my fault (well, according to him at least, I know otherwise), I want to DO SOMETHING!! I feel like I'm going crazy by knowing (finally) how I feel yet feeling so stuck.

Any help? Thoughts? Ideas? Anything would be appreciated.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:45pm
Wish I had some thoughts on this, but it's exactly how I feel too. All I know to do is to do what feels best for you. Do you have a plan in place for WHEN you do leave? That's what I'm doing, I know things are fine temporarily, but I've made plans and have access to the things I'll need when I do leave, and that is all I know to do right now.

sorry this really doesn't help you. Just letting you know, you are not alone.

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 8:56pm
Pam,

Man, you are going through so many feelings I went through. Like Buff would say Ya know...bottom line is you are not happy and you have to make yourself happy first. How do you do it, you think of yourself first. I read the awakenings poem again today. Every time I read it, I get different feelings. When I started with my counselor about this and that about making people happy, he asked if my name was God. You are coming to a big turning point in your life...go slow, go easy and think about Pam. You can do it.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 3:43pm
Don't stress yourself out because you haven't taken action yet. The reason you haven't is because you're not ready yet. You are scared. It would be best if you quietly gather more information. When I was scared like you, I went through a dry run of the worst case scenerio. I gathered information on housing choices and my rights (financially and as far as custody goes) I realized that (contrary to what he claimed) I really could keep the house and the kids and make it on my own.

Deciding to decide later, after you have more information, is a decision.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:21pm

You know, you've asked the question that we all had to ask before we were able to make that final step.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:26pm
Hugs Ples! I have to admit, cam is right about that would be mostly of what I would say!:)

But I want you to think about this since that thought has been brought up. You read books on co-dependency and other books that have much to offer advice and learning wise, but! While you are reading this book which is co-dependency of an alchoholic, try to take that word "alchoholic" out of the book and insert "abuser"! It works the same, it follows many of the same syptoms, you're just not inserting the proper word into the reading.

Hope this helps and in time you will find many wonderful self-help books in which you can insert the word "abuser" and get much more out of it!

Hugs and sorry I haven't been able to be around much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:37pm
I really don't want to seem shallow or uncaring. There is knowledge and there is virtue. Knowledge is knowing what to do and virtue is actually applying that knowledge. No change is ever easy, but is it good?

Think of this as a "balance" with weights on each side. Now, put your bad situation on one side and what YOU want to happen (based in reality, honesty, and truthfulness) on the other and see which one weighs the most. YOU are absolutly, 100%, correct in that "nothing will happen unless YOU make it happen."

The main question should be the one I always ask; "Are YOU happy and growing and enjoying your life as much as you want to in this situation?" I don't mean are you blissfully happy and realizing all of your dreams, I mean are you "reasonably" happy?

Co-dependency is fairly common, hard to deal with, but can be overcome. A person has to be complete unto themselves first. That is, they have to be a whole or mostly whole person. That's why it's so hard to do that as a couple. YOU are YOU, you are not both. Neither can contribute untl they are strong.

I hope this helps some