Literally Sick Yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Literally Sick Yesterday
2
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:20pm
Yesterday I came home at lunch only to find that my H took all pictures that reminded him of me and put them in a neat pile on the diningroom floor. That was fine. I scooped them up, didn't cry in the least, and put them in a bag in in the trunk of my car (my other home). I didn't want my DD to see them. I'm so glad I came home at lunch so I could do that. Otherwise, she would have seen them. After that, I had to listen to him and watch him cry about what I am doing to him and my DD. I sobbed so much because because I have so much pity for him, and I want to leave here so bad that I made myself sick. I hadn't eaten in a day and a half, collapsed to the floor, and felt like I was hyperventilating. I was shaking and all I could think of was why can't he realize that this isn't all about me! It's about me wanting to leave for the sake of not hating anybody. If I continue to stay here, I am building up so much hatred. I don't want to hate him. I realize how much he loves me and how much I'm hurting him, but I can't help my feelings and my heart is breaking too watching him. At that point he was scared when I collapsed and called for my DD. She, of course, came in and said "what's wrong with her now" in her sarcastic tone. He told her to get a wet wash cloth, which she did and threw it at him and me. He asked her to tell me that she loved me and she said "yeah, I love her" and walked out. I know she's hurting too but to be so uncaring blows my mind.

Friday and Saturday I spent several hours with a friend helping her move. I was happy. I was with friends. Friday I got home at 11:00 and even went and had a beer with him while he shot pool. Did he talk to me? Barely! He shot pool. Saturday I was home by 11:15. He was out and came home at midnight totally irate saying things like "is this what I want, to be on my own, to come and go as I please". I sat and listened to him, not getting involved in any arguement and went to bed. It was his usual angry tone. Sunday I washed "my" clothes as he says. (Meanwhile, I wash his too and my DD's and fold them, iron them, and put them away.) Monday I was off to the therapist, Tuesday night I was home literally drained from being sick both physically and emotionally, and then tonight. Tonight I went to help my friend again only to come home to his tone telling me he had it all figured out. I don't want any responsibility to him, my home, or my DD. Meanwhile, I wanted to stay at my friend's house to help her more but knew he'd be pissed so I came home at 9:00. He was leaving for work at 9:45. I come home only to hear him again. Today he went grocery shopping and bought stuff for me when I leave. He's on an emotional rollercoaster and I realize that but am I wrong? He trys to make me think it's all about me! I told him I work now and I've bought things for myself and didn't need his money. Then he pops off with "what about him". He doesn't do anything for himself. I told him that's not my fault. Monday he was suppose to go golfing and instead stayed home, cut grass, took down the pictures, and basically sulked and complained he didn't have the money because he has to watch his money now. I even tried to give him $50 that I had saved from my $7/hr. paychecks. He took offense to that.

We're going to an attorney tomorrow to discuss legal separation. I don't even want any money from him. I just want OUT!!!! I'll use my mother's money to pay a year's worth of rent to an apartment. I have to get out of here before I lose my mind!!! I wasn't even going to get the legal separation but the income restricted apts. prevent me from having assets; therefore, I have to go through this red tape because I can't afford otherwise. I'm to the point I just want to move into anything and ask him if he can "afford" to pay me at least $100 a month. He's whining he won't have the money. I don't want to fight and argue with him so I'm willing to go just free with nothing! I think he won't let me starve....I think!

Why can't he be just kind and do what I want? Why does he keep rehashing all this old crap over and over that it's all about me and he's the bad one as I say. I never ever told him that. And my DD hates me. She told him he should never take me back and she doesn't want to even spend a week with me. She doesn't understand and I won't let him look bad in her eyes. I won't tell her what he's all about. Yet he makes comments about me. I can't stand it!

I ate today. I don't want that to happen to me again, but I'm so tired of crying and crying. I've got giant veins popped out around my eyes from crying so much. I'm sorry this is so long. I feel like I have nobody. I can't even talk to my own mother. I have no support but these boards.

Happy (but sad)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:31am

This is such a hard time for you right now.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:01pm

Just a word of advice, Happy.

CL-Blueliner4