Couples counseling? Feeling pressured
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| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:23am |
I just can't seem to figure out which way is up anymore. I'm reading the Bancroft book, and I can pick out soome things that are "that's him." But so much of it doesn't apply, or even makes me wonder if what he says is true. That I am abusive to him. Our relationships is so weird, because ... Well, for example, I handle all the money. There's no issue of him trying to tell me who to be friends with. Of trying to isolate me from family. OK, maybe from my sister. My H is extremely non-functional as an adult. Very Very traumatic childhood. When we met he was living out of a duffel bag with friends and had been for years, near as I can tell. Has trouble keeping a job. There's always some crisis or some way he is wronged at work and he has to quit.I think maybe his mother drank when she was pregnant with him, because he acts exactly like I have heard adult fetal alcohol affected people act. He really needs to be reminded to do even the most mundane things. I have to make sure the kids get their homework done. I keep track of when things happen at school. I pay all the bills. I have to make all of the big decisions. I guess I feel like I run things out of necessity because he won't, or can't. I have backed off and asked him to handle some stuff, but he has not only not taken care of things, but he has lied and said he did. The last example was his worker's comp claim. Insurance company wasn't wanting to work with him anymore and he insisted he had been cooperating. So I ripped the insurance guy up one side and down the other, only to discover later, through his own admission, that he had not talked or returned their phone calls for like 6 months. We've been dirt poor for most of the marriage because he refused to get a job. Yet he would empty my wallet and not mention it to me. Not that him actually having the money was a problem (except, of course, when he did things like take the kids' lunch money and buy cigarettes) but it would have been nice if he could have let me know BEFORE I got to the line in the grocery store. We sold our utility trailer for $350 and he insisted that he would hold onto it so he could buy parts to fix our truck, wouldn't let me put it in our joint checking account. A month later I finally got it out of him that he spent it all on... well, apparently on soda and cigarettes.
All this, to me it feels like being slowly suffocated by his inaction, deception and lack of motivation. He says that when I nag him, and I admit, I do, at times, bug him about some of this stuff on a daily basis, that I am being verbally abusive.
Anyway, I have gotten frustrated at times over the years. We've had argued. I've even called him a jerk or an @sshole or lazy during these arguments. I don't know. Maybe that makes me as bad as him. I just can't seem to tell which direction is up these days. And, back to where this whole message began... I am afraid, I think, that if we go to couples counseling that the counselor will tell me just that. That all of this is my fault.
SO confused. So tired of all of it.

In our times of need like this we often turn to those who we have depended on for answers for everything in our lives, our parents, our siblings, leaders of our churches, school counselors. The major problem here is, when dealing with abuse many of those who we always turned to are giving us the wrong information, thus making everything worse, not better.
I can understand why your Mother urges couples counseling, because that's all that was available in her earlier life. Times have changed, and now it is a known fact that couples counseling only makes abuse worse, not better. The worst thing you could do is sit down with your abuser and someone who doesn't know the dynamics of abuse and spill your guts. Of course your abuser will put on a good show, but what is really happening is you are telling the person who abuses you just what you are thinking, how you are thinking of dealing with it, and how your abuser can make things worse for you!
As you start down this path to freedom and happiness, you are going to find that when you deal with those "trained" in abuse, you will get the proper advice which in turn will allow you to make good, educated decisions instead of having to make the more-times-than- not improper, emotional decisions.
Your mom is not trying to mislead you, but her advice is very wrong. Yes you do have to do something for your children, but forcing yourself to stay in an abusive relationship which will not only lead to abuse of your children or them picking up the choice to abuse,
but you will be putting all your lives in jeopardy, physically and mentally.
Take the time to read all you can and visit the links on our homepage. Take the time to contact your local shelter and talk to them as they have so many good resources beyond a safe haven, that can help you find the help you need to get you and your children out of the abuse. Keep coming here and posting, asking, venting, whatever you need to do but just don't cave and follow advice of those who know nothing of abuse. If you can not find local shelters, call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and they will be able to assist you in finding local resources.
By staying where you are, by keeping things status quo, by thinking or going to couples therapy, all you are doing is submitting to your abuser, allowing him to hold power and control over you and your children.
Abuse is a choice, not an addiction, know the difference. You can leave, you can stay, you can make your own decisions, but do make them with an educated mind so that what you choose will allow you to live a happier life, a life free of abuse and as you heal your children will start to see the difference.
You are no longer alone in your search for answers, you have found a wonderful commmunity of people who are where you are at, who are just now finding their answers, have just left their abuser and those of us who have been free of abuse for a while.
It will not be easy, but it is possible. Don't settle for a life that gives you nothing but sadness and will effect your children negatively. You all deserve to live abuse free and happy!
Hugs
(Buff-buff, always good to have you back!)
I have to agree with everything Buff's said.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi mgnorth…I seriously don’t think that a counselor would tell you that this is your fault.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
My counselor said it best when he said, "If someone hits you with a two pound weight or a ten pound weight it still hurts and it is still being hit." Period. Do not wait for him to literally beat you up. Your life is worth so much more.
It is confusing, I know. People do not understand. They only see the parts of our relationships that we let them see. If my stbx says one more time that "Everyone things we have the kind of solid relationship that we can work through this...." I am going to scream!! Of course they think it.... they haven't lived through having their self esteem ripped apart by someone who professes unconditional love.
Do what feels right. Keep reading Lundy's book. He points out in it that abusers pick and choose what they control. They don't all control the same things and there are extremes. And they may not try to control it all the time.
I do know that now that my stbx is out of the house I no longer feel that I am suffocating. It is a great feeling!
good luck and keep posting.