Been MIA...latest update....

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Registered: 11-18-2003
Been MIA...latest update....
10
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 7:37am
Well, first the "good" stuff: Today is GRADUATION for me! Hooray! At 6 pm, I will be getting my Master's degree....every time I think about it, I get all choked up because it has been SO HARD over the past 6 years! But I did it! My new job starts on June 14th, as an investigator for the Feds...and every thing seems to be falling in place... (and after graduation, it will be the "dysfunctional" family dinner with my parents, who are divorced and STILL have issues--20+ years later, my sister and her brood {h and 4 sons} along with my family!----but that is a WHOLE OTHER story)

the "bad" news...well, its not really bad, per se....but I'm stuck. I've got my lawyer on retainer, but have not yet filed the paperwork...he is waiting for my "word" to go. But I can't seem to do it...yet.

Here's the thing: my marriage is over. I will never look at my husband any other way due to his mistreatment of me over the last several years. I will NEVER have sex with this man again (and haven't in the past year) and have continued to sleep apart from him (me downstairs, he in "his" bed). And I am much too young to be the martyr and the all sacrificing wife (is there such a thing as "too young"?????).

My h continues his individual therapy. He continues to abide the marital agreement I wrote up and had him signed (this is the one where I wrote ALL the abusive behaviors that he was doing and told him that it must "cease and desist immediately and permanantly" otherwise I would immediately proceed with divorce proceedings. I then said it does NOT mean I am agreeing to stay married or to WORK on the marriage...that it is just something to ensure my physical/emotional/spiritual health..and what *I* need just to remain in the same setting with him.)

But lets just say that he did become this "wonderful" person and worked out all his stuff (slim chance, I know--I'm not hoping for anything)--nothing inside me would change how I feel (or rather, DON'T feel for him). Yet, I find I cannot push myself forward because it is the fear that I am being cruel. Not that I feel that I need to "protect" him emotionally...but I guess I just am hoping to see more "acceptance" on his part. My h, whenever backed into a corner with anything, will come out with guns a blazin'. I saw this when I first told him I hired a lawyer. So, now--almost every time, right before he goes to an appt, the conversation turns to us and I repeat "I am still planning on divorcing you, be it now or later. No matter how YOU change, the past cannot be undone, BUT I hope you change to better yourself and to be a better father. Your changing will have NO impact on my decision to move on from this. If you decide you don't want to stay now, then I'll accept that---or if you want to wait a bit, that's ok, too". This way, this is at the forefront of his mind when he goes into a session and I'm seeing more and more acceptance of it.

I guess, I'm hoping for a fairytale here....one he finally recognizes that yes, its best that we move on and work towards co-parenting our children. LOL...hey, I can be delusional, too. I know, I know, its a stretch.

In the meantime, I have been meditating, exercising and working on MY stuff: my issues of codependency, inner child stuff, abuse stuff. WHY I was attracted to him in the first place, WHY I tolerated the behavior so long (besides the whole conditioning process that occurs), WHY did I allow someone to dictate my values, beliefs, opinions, when my OWN were just fine, etc. What I have become to see more clearly...that over the years (and through conditioning) that I was constantly handing over my power to him. I have stopped doing that...and now that it is MINE again, he can never have it back, no matter what he does. A person can only take what you give to them. I have also seen, too, that I was really expecting him to make ME happy...and you know what...only I can do that. I put too many expectations on him, and him of me...and so this very dysfunctional/abusive dance began....15 years ago.

Yet, my path is not clear. Something inside me says "hang on, stay a little longer"...no it is NOT hope that he will change...it is something else, though. I'm not giving him the impression that I am working on the marriage or will continue to stay. In fact, I told him it was a year or less...not sure yet. Something I read the other day said that if your path is NOT clear, then wait....in time, the direction in which to go in will reveal itself and you cannot rush the process. Everyone "knows" when the time is to get out....and for some reason, I feel the time is near, but not yet....

does this make any sense???? For all you who have left and been out--does this seem right to you? It "feels" right to me, right now....but I just wonder if it is some old ways of thinking creeping in. Yet, when I go to my dv groups...I feel such "pressure" from the ladies there to move forward...and I keep saying, I'm not ready yet...but I'm feeling more and more like a schmuck when I go there. I've even considered dropping out, but yet I go because I still need to learn/understand....but I've become much more quiet in group.

Just feeling so lost right now.....

dharma

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:29am
That is such GREAT news about your graduation and new job coming!!!! It's good to hear and I like you haven't been around much, but this was such a great surprise to see!

Putting my normal thought patterns aside and trying to take a different perspective on this, maybe the thing you ARE waiting for is the diploma in hand, the job started, your new life starting. Maybe you're just waiting until June 14th because that will be the day your new world starts! Just a thought on that! :)

Keep going to the support group, just don't let them pressure you, just like here, what we say, what we suggest, what we urge, is to give you building blocks to put together your plan for a happier life. Like a jigsaw puzzle, two pieces can't be forced together, they have to fit! So maybe you need a few more pieces to fall into place so then you can say "DO IT!" and start the divorce.

I'm happy to hear he is obeying his word, and he will more likely than not do a 180 degree turn as soon as he's served. After all, you will once again be exposing him to the world, he will have to answer questions to those he's kept BS'd for so long.

So congrats on the Master's!! Keep true to yourself, and when you get the pieces together, and you can see where they fit together, you will go forwards! It's a hard step to take, we all can remember taking it, but as you can see, those of us who did, are really happier with our lives and you will be too!

Go forth into this wide world with your head held high, your shoulders square and never let anyone take from you again!!

Hugs

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:50am
WooHoo!!! Yeah Dharma!!! A Masters degree!!! You are awesome!!! And to have accomplished this on top of everything in your life!!! I am honored to know you!!!

Now, as for the time is right - exactly. You have all your ducks lined up, you are not in any physical danger and believe me, I understand about all the childhood issues that you are trying to work on. Good for you.

When that final ducks finds its spot in line, that will be when you make the call to your lawyer. I can only imagine how tough this road has been for you, follow your gut - it will let you know when the time is right.

Again - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Master Dharma!!!!

Hugs,

Pam

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Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:13pm
Dear dharmagurl,

Just read what you wrote and you will see, and know. As a man, and never an abuser, but one who has experience with abuse, you are totally normal, rational and doing fine. You have the degree! WTG! and the dysfuncional family and the job, that's enough to give you thought right there and there's where I'd advis you to stop. Get past those and enjoy your new freedom. The rest will fall into place. You know you don't love him, can't sleep with him, and do not want him in your life as a husband. Hey, you are smart :-) You need to be YOU first to be fair to yourself, your children and your life. He's clearly out of it as I read what you say. You say you want him to "accept" it and move on and coparent....No one can "accept" what has not happened, yet. So there ya go.

Hope this helps, and again WTG!! Master's :-) dharmagurl, M.S. and the feds too :-) Don't do this for anyone's inspiration, or for anyone but YOU, and LIVE.... LIVE! Really LIVE YOUR LIFE!

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Registered: 02-10-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 6:36pm
Hey Dharma,

I've been there so many times. Even when good things happen to you, you still don't feel quite right because you are so busy worrying about someone else's happiness. He will never be a wonderful person in your eyes...he has done too much. On May 20th, I will have been free for 6 months. My growing curve over these past months has been unbelievable. Your graduation should have been one of complete joy and he should have promoted that. That should have been a very special day for you and everyone involved should have only been thinking of you. Hang in there girl, you will make the right decision.

Terry

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Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:59pm
Terry,

Do we want graduation photos of her? You bet we do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 7:39am
You betcha....cap and all!!! We will throw her the biggest celebration party ever!
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Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:33am
CONGRATULATIONS! Now wait until you start that new job! You'll really feel good about yourself. Be proud!! I think when you start the job, you'll be with other people, meeting other people that make you feel good about yourself, and you'll be working for yourself. You'll feel great! I know when I started this one two month's ago (and it's not rocket science work and I don't have a degree let alone a Master's), I just love to go to work. It's my salvation! It's all mine! Remember....one day at a time. And you're right; you'll know when the time is right. It will hit you like a ton of bricks. It hit me last week; I started looking for apartments, and I plan to be out of here by June 1 hopefully. And I feel good about it; I'm "happy". It just came over me that that's what I need to do. It's what I have to do for sanity.

In the meantime, if I were you I'd print out your seventh paragraph and keep reading it to yourself over and over. Especially this part.."that I was constantly handing over my power to him. I have stopped doing that...and now that it is MINE again, he can never have it back, no matter what he does". Keep remembering that. I think I'm going to print it out for myself, if you don't mind. I'm new at this, so I can't give you much advice except "one day at a time". Don't give up your support group. We all have good days and bad days. Don't let yourself feel pressure from the group; you've had enough pressure.

You'll be okay. You ARE okay. Be proud! Wait til the new job starts. You'll really feel good.

Congratulations and hugs!

Happy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 5:12am

dharma…try not to worry too much about being stuck right now.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

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Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:04am
To all~

Thank you all so much for your very kind words and thoughts. I AM very proud of myself and it really hit me during the commencement that *I* did this...I did this on MY OWN. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion! Being "hooded" was indescribable! and NO ONE can take this from me.

I guess I do have the tendency to 'throw the baby out with the bathwater'.....but I guess I am making progress and taking steps...I just place these expectations on myself to be farther than I should be, but I'm right where I need to be at this moment.

Thanks again!

MASTER dharma

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Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:19am
Master Dharma,

I know I have told you via email how proud I am of you, but I dont think you can hear it enough. WAY TO GO MASTER DHARMA, you are my hero!!!!!!!

Van :)

Thanks again for the card!!