Well ,,,,,,here we go..!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Well ,,,,,,here we go..!!
5
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 2:47am
Its Sunday morning here in sunny Liverpool (uk),and i didnt sleep at all last night as im preparing myself to tell DH that i am leaving him.

and do you know what,im a little scared, but as well i cant wait to see his face because he gave me such a hard time yesterday it was totally unbeivevable.........

I got up as per usual , perhaps a little earlier as Katy my daughter was going on a fear of flying course at manchester airport - ...ps read her blog at - www.redefine-me.org

she doenst half let rip about her dad on her site.........lol.......anyway .......

we took Katy to the airport as HE said i wouldnt be able to find it myself , YEAH RIGHT , its down the road????? we dropped her off , Katy is shaking like mad for obvious reasons,

i say to Katy , i will meet you at teminal 3 , wait outside Starbucks , we will both grab a caramel frappacino ( YUMMY ) and just have a minute to get herself together again , we both ADORE starbucks and i was just trying to comfort her in a way , HE says - " no she can make her own way to the front entrance , im not waiting about " im like - HELLO , YOUR DAUGHTER HAS JUST BEEN ON A FEAR OF FLYING COURSE YOU NO-BRAINED FREAK , SHE NEEDS US , i didnt say that i just thought it....hes got no feelings whatsoever....anyway Katy goes in and seems ok , the ride back home was in deathly silence , other than him moaning every 5 mins about other drivers......( he moans about 60 times a day , i added it up the other day ).

I start doing the laundry when we get back home and making something to eat for Amy (13), he comes marching into the kitchen " PUT THAT DOWN AND HELP ME NOW!!!!", im like , hang on a min im just getting Amys cereal and toast , he says , " NEVER MIND HER I NEED YOU MORE THAN HER" , anyway i carry on because lets face it Amy is 13 , hes 55 -- er big difference.yes......

He wanted me to hold some ladders for him which wasnt needed , also ive begun to realise that he always needs to help him with stuff he could quite easily do on his own , even plugging a plug in , beleive it or not. His excuse always is , im nearer than him whihc is a load of bull , i think its all about CONTROL , and watching me do things for him , im sure he gets a kick out or it.

I sit down for 5 mins to get my breath ( my blood disorder leaves me breathless sometimes , which he knows about) , i see him out at the front with the ladders , muttering to himself , shouting my name , swearing his head off , so i go outside.

I get round the front of the house , and hes going mad , i say " are you ok " he says VERY ANGRILY , " no im not , where have you been , oh yeah youve been sat on you backside watching tv while im struggling to this on my own" , i was absolutley stunned , id only just sat down for gods sake , Amy comes out to see whats going on , and pipes up - " dad , dont you think its about time you took responsibilty for your own actions",,,,well fireworks started to fly , i pushed Amy to saftey, he come down off the ladder and started in my face saying " youre a waste of space ,you cant seem to do anything for me , i dont know why youre here!!!"..........i said , " im not a waste of space , im anything but , and if you dont stop talking to me like that your going to be very lonely , but youre right about me still being here"..!!! his face dropped.......i just turned on my heels and left him to it.

But i cant beleive he said about ME still being here , HES THE ONE WHO MOVED HIMSELF BACK IN WHEN HE KNEW ME AND THE GIRLS DIDNT WANT HIM TO.........oh jeez..........

We didnt speak for a while , and he comes in with a huge smile on his face saying " whats for dinner sweetheart"...oh my god , the cheek of him.

Hes always doing that too , ive noticed that this is on the checklist as well , he will rant and rave and call me , and be VERY abusive , and then in the next sentence , hes a nice as pie he all " sweetheart this and sweetheart that"..........lol.......when he does this my girls keep looking at me and we look at each other and say - " did we miss something there".ha ha ha...i think its quite funny now , it used to upset me , but its just his insecurity isnt it , he needs to control us by switching , and when i bring it up , good god , he goes abusive again , i say why do you do that , how can live with yourself being that nasty to us , we are left with all these feelings up in the air , and then youre all nicey nicey again.........he don like it when i question this ,he turns round and say , " god i cant do right for doing wrong , i cant do anything right can i , i cant even be nice to you " , well hello , you were abusive 5 mins ago , and ive not heard a sorry once , AGAIN.......

I know this is very abusive and his way of controlling , i can FEEL it in my gut.

We had to go and pick Katy up he wouldnt let me go on my own , i made a point of waiting for her inside , and he didnt like like it but tough , ehs my flesh and blood , his too , but hes not bothered about that , she did fine and shes not scared of flying now......HURRAY FOR KATY X X X.....

Tomorrow i get the keys for my new place ( YESSSSS), and after the day i had with him yesterday , i dont care what he says , im sick and tired of being treated like that , im sick and tired of being tired even.

I want to live in peace , and im going to , me and the girls are going to start a new life , and im not going to look back ever again , or not on purpose anyway.

Oh and just a note to say i slept with my babies last night ( muffin and milo , my cats , i have a sofa bed in the conservatory , and i slept with them).

He said in a bad mood - " huh , have you fell out with me then!!!" , well yes i do think so...........x

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:57pm
Huge Hugs liverbabe! Just know that when you finally get out of this mess that a happier and far better life is coming for you and your Katy! Not to mention that if you think Starbucks tastes good now,,,just wait till you and Katy can sit and enjoy every drop without someone getting on your case because the sun came up a minute later today! :)

Stay true to yourself, don't let anyone veer you from your course and know that a better world is coming to you!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 1:11am
Thanks Buffphone x x {{hugs}}.......yes i think that no matter what i do it will always be wrong. Ive told him im moving out this morning ( its 6am here in the UK ) and ive done what he usually does , wake me up at all hours just to talk to me , that really annoys me no end.

So i thought today is the day i will get him back for the last time , yes the VERY last time.

You seem to have been here as long as i have i noticed your name from last time i was posting ( last year).......

Anyway here goes.x Tracey , thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 3:56pm
I just read your last message and it just hit me how ridiculous our abusers are. Mine wakes me at all hours just to talk, too. If he comes in drunk, he turns every light in the house on and blares the TV to wake me up. What the hell? Does yours throw a fit if you fall asleep before him? So stupid. So weak.
Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:40pm
Thank you liverbabe! I too am not able to be here nearly as much as I'd like or used to be, but hopefully soon I'll be able to get back more often.

Go easy on your leaving. As much as some little idea to just toss them alittle off balance, I hope you don't do it. It is true, our best revenge is living a happy life without them.

The waking us up at all hours is just another way to keep us confused, tired and off balance. As strange as it might sound, it would irk him a whole lot more if when you leave you just quietly and without fuss, just walked into the sunshine and a new life. You see, if we feel we have to make a statement when we leave, no matter how little, just to show them what it was like to live with them, then they get more satisfaction knowing that they brought us down to their level.

So quietly leave without as much as a backwards glance. Start your new life knowing that you have held yourself above his petty pranks.

Stay true to yourself, hold your path and find the freedom waiting just beyond the front porch!:)

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:29am

You go, girl!

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you