No family support - so discouraged

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
No family support - so discouraged
4
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 9:31pm
*weep* My dad came over to talk to H today. I told mom that H was abusive. While she agreed some of it was bad, her response was "at least he doesn't beat you up." No, just raises his fist and threatens too, or throws things at me or threatens to kill me in my sleep. And, at least according to H, Dad said absolutely nothing about the abuse. Not even a thinly veiled "husbands should treat their wives ...." I can't believe it. They might as well have told him to go ahead and keep doing it. It's clear they too think I am nuts about all this. Dammit. Do I really need to get beat black and blue for someone to give me at least a little bit of a hand. I'm so disappointed. I thought they would stick up for me. I have a mind to tell them that.

I have to go shopping. Maybe I can do it without weeping through the aisles. This is so wrong.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:06pm
mg: Nobody will understand what any of us go through because they don't live it. They don't live behind the closed doors we live in. They don't hear and.....no, they won't see it unless it's black & blue. My mother told me the same thing and she said the same thing about my brother when my ex-sister-in-law left him "he's a good man, at least he doesn't beat you, at least he's not a "big" drinker". I guess we're suppose to put up with mental cruelty, emotional abuse, verbal and psychological abuse? NOOO!!! I don't think so. Funny...I had been married five years and wrecked the car. I called my dad instead of my H to get me. My dad (God rest his soul)told me then "how long are you going to put up with this"; "this", meaning I was afraid to call H because I was out with friends having fun and wrecked the car so I called dear ole Dad, and that was 21 years ago and I'm still putting up with this BS. My dad would support me if he was alive today. But my mother?!?! Nah!! Wait til she hears I'm moving out. She'll tell me I'm nuts, I'm going through "the change", and we should try to get along. I don't expect any support from her. Same thing, she says some of the stuff is bad and why does he do that; but "he's a good guy!!" Yeah, right, if it wasn't for all of the above.

Don't expect to get support from anybody that sees the "good" side of your H. Stay on these boards. You'll get a lot of support here. I'm new but there are many that have been here for a while and they'll really help...Dharma, Newcam, Bama

Keep in touch...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:16pm
Hello MG don't be sad some people just don't get it abuse is abuse end of story I mean imagine if he went throught with his threats how guilty would you parents feel then! A wise person wrote on this board that people of your parents era where brought up to always stay in the marriage for better and more than often worse! It took my mother 30 years to end her marriage and admit that what my father had done was abusive manipulative and controlling.

I can't give you a huge amount of advice I am right in the middle of my own stuggle except keep talking here,look up all the links especially the one on abusive behaviors I didn't think it was that bad until I read about 30 things on that list my H had done.

As far as you're parents are concerned I would advise you to maybe stop talking to them about it they are clearly not qualified or able to deal with this. I had to decide to stop talking to my mom about this stuff as she feels way too close to it all and is just not able to give me the answers I need.

Try to think of it this way you have told them H is abusive they must be thinking all these nasty thoughts (like any sane person would) about your H suppose they tell you what you want to hear and let out all their true feelings about him and then after all that you make up or stay with him doesn't that make it very awkward for everyone including you. I know you want their support they are your parents but I have learnt the hard way sometimes your friends or parents are just NOT the wright people to talk to about this.

I hope you feel better I will talk to you as much as you want and just don't stop talking about this......

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:08am
Thanks for the kind words. I was just so hurt that my dad didn't tell him something the equivalent of "quit screwing with my daughter's head." Oh, but I guess he did offer to take the kids for us if we wanted some extended time alone as a couple. LOL! Yeah, that's what we need. Some time for romance. We've just let our delicate flower of a relationship go untended. Flower allright. Like a dandelion weed that chokes out all the good stuff around it.

Glad you all are here.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:53pm
Hi MG

I am new to this board and going through something very similar - I wish you luck and hope that you find a way to trust yourself and go with your gut - I am going to try, its had when you feel so drained emotionally, but we have to.

I would say that it is good that you are here because as our friends love us and try to help us they are not alway helpful, my friends kept trying to hook me up with a guy hoping i'd have an affair and that that would give me the strenght to leave my H, they ment well but that just is not my way of doing things and thier lies to my H just made things worse.

Good luck to you and me. Lets be strong

L J