Now, he wants to try to work things out

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Now, he wants to try to work things out
3
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:47am
Last night, at 12:30am he decides it's time for a "conversation". He tells me that I don't care about him, I'm not responsive to his feelings, and he is afraid that "this relationship may be over and we don't even realize it yet."

He insists that a healthy relationship is based on two people doing everything together. A couple of weeks ago I sent him an email (beacuse I do better talking to him written down that in person, he can be so intimidating) and wrote this.

"I'm sorry for what I said last night. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting towards you. Standoffish and cold.



Lately it seems I've been taking offense at everything you say, like I don't want to hear it. But I do.



I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you, that's what I feel like, a disappointment. I do appreciate everything you do. That you go to work everyday, that you provide for your family. And not because you necessarily want to....but because you are a good provider.



I'm sorry that you are so diappointed in your life, your children, your wife.



I wish I was more confident like you are, so that I can say the things I feel without fearing that you're going to take offense at them. But I am not that confident. I worry that anything I say will be taken the wrong way, or used against me in the next conversation. So instead, I say nothing. Except that when I do it is mean-spirited and hurtful to you. I don't want to be hurtful to you. I do love you.



There's lots of things I wish I was, and that you were, but that's not for me to say. I can only worry about what I am, not what you are. We are a couple but we are both still individuals and we need to be supportive of each other in our individualism. I don't feel like I give you that support, and I also don't feel like I get that support from you. I always thought that that's what makes a good couple. Two people who even though they are different can be supportive of the other persons decisions that they choose for themselves. I don't want to run your life, it's yours. But on the same hand, I don't want you running my life it's mine. Our life is what is ours. But not our individual wants and likes.



See and that didn't come out right either. It sounds like I preaching to you, and I'm not, I'm just trying to tell you how I feel in a nonthreatening and supportive way.



Our relationship is in serious trouble right now, because I'm not doing the things you think I should be doing. And you are not giving me the support I think you should be giving. Maybe somewhere we can find an agreeable compromise. But it can't be all one sided.



I will clean the pigsty and get it ready to sell. That's what you and I both agree on. And that's one thing that will help decrease your stress level. I will be more supportive of you and the work you do for the family. I will be more considerate of your feelings. I will be more attentive to your needs and put you above the boys. I will not take on any new projects that I volunteer for at the schools. I will continue to cook and clean for you. I will be more cooperative when we talk and try not to clam up and let things build up so that I explode with mean things that hurt both you and us.



This is not everything, but it is a start. That is if you even read it."



I cut and pasted the entire email here. I don't think I said anything wrong, but he continues to throw my line about individuals up at me. Then he says everything I'm doing are more about being an indiviual than being in a relationship, that I am the one who is causing all the stress in this relationship.

I told him last night, that I always try to communicate with "I statements" so that he doesn't feel like I am blaming him for things. To which he responded, well that's your problem not mine.

I am just so tired of feeling like this is all my fault, when I know in my head it is not.

This "discussion" lasted until 2am, then we both agreed to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes he was talking again, this time mad at me for being able to sleep. Told me that it must be because I don't have a conscience, whereas he does, so that's why he can't sleep. I told him that I can agree to disagree and that I don't feel badly for anything I've said or done, my conscience isn't bothering me. About 4 am he quit talking, and I think finally did fall asleep. He kept waking me up though to ask why I was sleeping. Geez..

Anyway, once again, he's got me believing that it is my fault. and I have to come here and write all this down just to convince myself that no it's not my fault.

Thanks for letting me get my mind straight again.

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:00am
This definetly sounds familiar. They always try to make it look like your fault. Lucky for me, my s/o said it was BOTH our faults. He did something, I retaliated with anger and tried to break his things and then that's when he got violent. Now a wedding is cancelled and I am moving out. Although you may love him and he may truley love you...it is never going to change unless someone seriously wants it to work and gets a mediator or some counseling and proffessional help.

If he is serious then he will go to anger management and see a counselor who can help him with his absuive tendencies. I am seeing a counselor who is helping me with my anger, and stress. So you should also show him that you want it to work out (if you actually do) by supporting him while he gets the help he needs.

If he is bull sh*ttin you and saying he will get help but makes no steps...then you need to move on and realize, he doesn't want to change and make the relationship really work.

Hope all works out well. qpid_143@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:43pm

JL, I want you to take a look at all of the stuff he said.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 7:30am
Hi Lori,

Your email sounds so familiar. I don't know how many letters/emails I wrote to Wendell trying to explain what I was feeling or what was going on. The reason we have to write them is because if we try to talk them out, we're blindsided by what they want and need. Our feelings never come into the picture. I think Wendell kept a book on things to accuse me of when the conversations wouldn't go his way. It was amazing the things he would bring up! When I look back on it now, I can't believe that I let it happen. Wendell was also good about suddenly needing one of these discussions when he couldn't sleep. I get up early (5:00AM) and if he was in one of those moods he would jump out of bed and follow me around demanding answers to things. If I went into the bathroom, he would just stand outside the door Hmmmphing until I came out. Ooooh, I remember those times.

Another thing that bothered Wendell was that I wasn't like other wives. They were always together all the time and we should be too. Didn't matter if I had other things to do. All he wanted from me was to love him.....the list goes on. Funny part was no matter what I did to try to make him happy, it was never enough.

Hang in there, read, lurk, post and learn.

Terry