Comments, question, observation.....
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| Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:04am |
One of the women brought up that now that she has started reasserting herself...she's besieged by GUILT about acting this way. And the leader asked us all what we thought about WHY we feel guilty....honestly, I have NO idea, but have some thoughts: about societal expectations (that you keep the marriage together for the kids), familial expectations, personal expectations....I think, for me, its like I failed--that I couldn't make it work out. What about all you ladies (and gent)---where does this guilt stem from?????
My h continues his Mr. Nice Guy phase...which is making everything so difficult for me. I keep reminding him that I plan to follow through eventually, but the pained look on his face makes me feel like crap and I feel like I'm being the cruel one. I just want to start my job and get through the 3 weeks of training, which MAY occur in July....I'll be sent somewhere in Florida (I live in NYS) for 3 weeks...and I'm afraid if I were to file now, he would use that time away against me. This job, while it pays great, also requires monthly travel around the state---which is going to reduce custody chances BUT not eliminate it. I'm hoping to have my h come to better terms with this process to NOT make it a battle, but that is something that I cannot control so I need to let go of that and just deal with it as the time comes. I also need to recognize there will NEVER be a perfect time to file.....better, perhaps, but not perfect.
I'm still struggling, though.
dharma

But, things did work out in the end. The divorce is now final (has been since March 24), I've bought a *fabulous* new house, and I'm living there with my BF, who is *wonderful*!!! Things couldn't be better. So, you see, when you file isn't what really matters. What really matters is that you do it whenever *you* feel comfortable for *yourself* -- not when you think it will be easiest for him. After all, when was the last time he tried -- *really* tried -- to make things easier for you?!?! Do it whenever you're ready, and to h*ll with what he thinks!!!
Love & Hugs,
Emm
Also, if you keep buying into his "poor me" routine, you won't have time to think straight to actually get through training and give yourself a chance to win! He is playing Mr.Nice to keep you off balance, and he is being very successful with it. I can understand you not wanting to rock the boat at this present time, but don't allow yourself to mislead you into thinking that he isn't already planning to scuttle you somehow. He will succeed if you keep worrying more about feeling guilty than sticking to the facts and what you need to do to find freedom.
And when are you going to learn to stop reminding him of what you are going to do?? He already knows you're looking into divorce, why do you think he's being so nice? The more you tell him what you're planning, the more information he's getting to throw it all in your face!! Stop it girl, you're defeating yourself!!! He doesn't have to abuse you now, he's got you doing it to yourself on a daily basis!
If you would like, make a copy of my response to you earlier this week and take it to the support group. You can white-out where it came from, who wrote it, etc. But if you think it may shed light on the subject and be of help, you do have my permission to use it. I don't know if I have to give permission or not, but I think this makes it Ok in the TOS of the board.
Stop drilling holes in the bottom of your boat so you can see how deep the water is!
Hugs
Thanks so much for your reply...yes, I think *I* am my own worst enemy from time to time. Not only am I working on these abuse issues...I'm also trying to dually address some co-dependency stuff and THAT is where a lot of this self-defeatist/self sabotaging comes in. Its amazing how many, many times...I *allow* myself to be the victim---but now with some practice, I see how easily I hand over my power...and when I can (and its becoming more frequent) I catch myself, STOP it and immediately think "gee, that was easy---why was I doing it the other way?????" lol.
I see what you are saying about my telling my h about my plans. I guess, I'm not so much telling him 'my plans', but more like reminding him that THIS will occur. You see, our pattern for about 15 years has been to have these HUGE blow outs and then things get "better" and nothing gets resolved. I can see my h slipping into that "well-if-we-aren't-discussing-it-then-its-better" mode....and I keep saying "stop thinking that--things are NOT ok". I don't know if it makes a difference or not...but I'm trying hard to stay true to my inner ethics and values, irregardless of the louse he has been. Slowly (VERY slowly!) I grow stronger each day....I think once I start this job and build up my self esteem that much of this 'wavering' of mine will fade away. The past few months I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel and am just beginning to pick up some speed and momentum.
I just might print out your response to my last question to bring to group...it was very insightful.
big hugs...thank you buff
dharma
ps...I loved your analogy...of drilling holes in the bottom of the boat...LMAO..that is EXACTLY what I do!!!
Hang tough gurl,,,you'll make it dispite his best efforts to derail your dreams!
Hugs