Comments, question, observation.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Comments, question, observation.....
4
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:04am
I went to support group last night...the first in a few weeks because of a variety of conflicting family obligations. During the discussion, someone brought up that they had bought Lundy Bancroft's book at my suggestion---turns out, after I brought the book to group and showed it around...most of the women went out and bought it! lol (its SUCH a great book!) The group leader/counselor said she just met Lundy Bancroft THAT DAY at a conference he was presenting in the local area...and GUESS WHAT THE TOPIC WAS???? Marital rape. So, at the end of group, the leader said next weeks topic would be marital rape---and she was giving everyone "fair warning" because it generally is a very difficult topic to discuss. She said that she even found that she glosses over it because it is an uncomfortable topic...but she felt its not fair to do that since it is an area that encompasses so much pain/trauma/hurt. I just thought "wow, perfect timing for me...."

One of the women brought up that now that she has started reasserting herself...she's besieged by GUILT about acting this way. And the leader asked us all what we thought about WHY we feel guilty....honestly, I have NO idea, but have some thoughts: about societal expectations (that you keep the marriage together for the kids), familial expectations, personal expectations....I think, for me, its like I failed--that I couldn't make it work out. What about all you ladies (and gent)---where does this guilt stem from?????

My h continues his Mr. Nice Guy phase...which is making everything so difficult for me. I keep reminding him that I plan to follow through eventually, but the pained look on his face makes me feel like crap and I feel like I'm being the cruel one. I just want to start my job and get through the 3 weeks of training, which MAY occur in July....I'll be sent somewhere in Florida (I live in NYS) for 3 weeks...and I'm afraid if I were to file now, he would use that time away against me. This job, while it pays great, also requires monthly travel around the state---which is going to reduce custody chances BUT not eliminate it. I'm hoping to have my h come to better terms with this process to NOT make it a battle, but that is something that I cannot control so I need to let go of that and just deal with it as the time comes. I also need to recognize there will NEVER be a perfect time to file.....better, perhaps, but not perfect.

I'm still struggling, though.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:46am
Hugs, Dharma! I know how you feel about trying to come up with the "perfect time" to file. When I filed, I kind of had the same worries. However, I decided that, knowing myself as well as I do, I would *always* be able to come up with some excuse as to why now just wasn't the "right time," so I just went ahead and did it. I wound up filing less than a week before Christmas -- HA! How's that for lousy timing?!?! ;oD

But, things did work out in the end. The divorce is now final (has been since March 24), I've bought a *fabulous* new house, and I'm living there with my BF, who is *wonderful*!!! Things couldn't be better. So, you see, when you file isn't what really matters. What really matters is that you do it whenever *you* feel comfortable for *yourself* -- not when you think it will be easiest for him. After all, when was the last time he tried -- *really* tried -- to make things easier for you?!?! Do it whenever you're ready, and to h*ll with what he thinks!!!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:21pm
Hugs dharma! Why are we besieged by guilt, one word, conditioning! We all have been made to think that we are not worthy, we are not able to think, we are brainwashed to think we are losers. As long as you let that conditioning keep you overanalyzing, it will keep driving you crazy and you'll find yourself running in circles, chasing nothing but someone else's words said at the right time, in the right way and often enough for us to subliminally believe it's true. IT'S NOT TRUE!!

Also, if you keep buying into his "poor me" routine, you won't have time to think straight to actually get through training and give yourself a chance to win! He is playing Mr.Nice to keep you off balance, and he is being very successful with it. I can understand you not wanting to rock the boat at this present time, but don't allow yourself to mislead you into thinking that he isn't already planning to scuttle you somehow. He will succeed if you keep worrying more about feeling guilty than sticking to the facts and what you need to do to find freedom.

And when are you going to learn to stop reminding him of what you are going to do?? He already knows you're looking into divorce, why do you think he's being so nice? The more you tell him what you're planning, the more information he's getting to throw it all in your face!! Stop it girl, you're defeating yourself!!! He doesn't have to abuse you now, he's got you doing it to yourself on a daily basis!

If you would like, make a copy of my response to you earlier this week and take it to the support group. You can white-out where it came from, who wrote it, etc. But if you think it may shed light on the subject and be of help, you do have my permission to use it. I don't know if I have to give permission or not, but I think this makes it Ok in the TOS of the board.

Stop drilling holes in the bottom of your boat so you can see how deep the water is!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 7:54am
buff~

Thanks so much for your reply...yes, I think *I* am my own worst enemy from time to time. Not only am I working on these abuse issues...I'm also trying to dually address some co-dependency stuff and THAT is where a lot of this self-defeatist/self sabotaging comes in. Its amazing how many, many times...I *allow* myself to be the victim---but now with some practice, I see how easily I hand over my power...and when I can (and its becoming more frequent) I catch myself, STOP it and immediately think "gee, that was easy---why was I doing it the other way?????" lol.

I see what you are saying about my telling my h about my plans. I guess, I'm not so much telling him 'my plans', but more like reminding him that THIS will occur. You see, our pattern for about 15 years has been to have these HUGE blow outs and then things get "better" and nothing gets resolved. I can see my h slipping into that "well-if-we-aren't-discussing-it-then-its-better" mode....and I keep saying "stop thinking that--things are NOT ok". I don't know if it makes a difference or not...but I'm trying hard to stay true to my inner ethics and values, irregardless of the louse he has been. Slowly (VERY slowly!) I grow stronger each day....I think once I start this job and build up my self esteem that much of this 'wavering' of mine will fade away. The past few months I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel and am just beginning to pick up some speed and momentum.

I just might print out your response to my last question to bring to group...it was very insightful.

big hugs...thank you buff

dharma

ps...I loved your analogy...of drilling holes in the bottom of the boat...LMAO..that is EXACTLY what I do!!!

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:05pm
Just keep in mind that abusers are master manipulators and their every move is calculated to induce a response. It is by our own self-distruction of common sense and what we were raised to believe that keeps us babbling on to our abusers of just what we went through, what we are going to do and what we are going to use as defense. It is only natural when we tell them all this that they find that by "being remorseful", we happily tell them everything we are thinking. And when they pull the rug out from under us we stand in front of the mirror asking ourself what happened!

Hang tough gurl,,,you'll make it dispite his best efforts to derail your dreams!

Hugs