Is this the right thing?
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| Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:47am |
I’ve given my husband until this coming Tuesday to move out (he’s away on a trip until Monday night), at least temporarily. I’d like to see if people here, who’ve been dealing with this for a lot longer than I have, think that I’m doing the right thing or whether I’m overreacting. I think I’m right to draw a hard, clear line, but maybe not. A lot of the reading about this I’ve been doing recently has examples that I could have written. But there’s a lot of good in our relationship, too, and I can’t believe it’s come to this—we’d just gotten to place we’d wanted for a long time. I’m sad and confused and really angry, all mixed together.
We’ve been together for six years, married for a bit over three. We have a beautiful 2-year-old son. Equal education, equal economic contribution. And while we had some fairly big problems during our time together, the good far outweighed the bad until the last 2, 2 ½ years. Since then, it’s been downhill, though with good weeks and months in between.
He’s never hit me. Fights have gotten more vicious over the past several years, until now it’s like he doesn’t think very hard before he takes the low blows—no underlying respect, and there used to be. He’s screamed obscenities, called me names, told me I’m crazy, punched the roof of the car, stopped the car and told me to get out, punched the wall. The thing that’s made me tell him to go happened last weekend.
On Thursday, we had a fight b/c he didn’t like the way I apologized to him. He came home upset because he tried to call me on my work phone and my cell phone and got voicemail on both. Of course, he got voicemail because I was on my work phone and I couldn’t answer my cell phone because I was WORKING. I wasn’t sorry enough, or sorry for the right reasons. He was telling me the exact words to say. It made me furious, and I was yelling and I grabbed my purse and my keys to go. And I was swinging my purse around—I was behaving like a lunatic, so angry. Then he said if I didn’t stop talking we were going to get in a fist fight, if I was going to swing my purse, he’d swing at me. He’s a big man. I left and drove around for a while, then came back and stayed on a different part of the house to avoid him.
The next day we had company come for the weekend, family (his) and friends. We hosted and stayed away from each other and it went pretty well. They all left on Sunday evening and then almost immediately we got into another fight, and he just lost his mind. It ended with him grabbing me by both wrists and my hair (it got caught in his fists), immobilizing my arms and head as he stuck his face in mine and screamed at me. When he let me go and I went running for my keys and purse and he chased me and blocked the way and said I’d have to get around him. I dodged around him, and I think he came back to himself and realized what he was doing, because he went back and sat down. He then said that a lot of men would have slapped me around long before now (I said, “no man I would have ever chosen”—usually I don’t have anything to say back until a long time after). And some other things like this isn’t him, he’s never been like this, there’s something about me that makes him lose it, and that we’ve got a problem. He also apologized to me for grabbing me, and saying he’s sorry is REALLY hard for him to do.
I sat down and we did some active listening techniques I’ve picked up, civilly this time. I told him that we do have problems, but laying hands on me in anger was his problem, not mine. He says he gets frustrated because I don’t listen. We talked some more and then I moved into the guest room. I’ve been leaving for work with our son before he gets out of bed and then he picks him up and we take turns playing with him.
A couple of days ago, we met for lunch and I told him that I wanted us to live apart for awhile, and that until he figured out what was going on with his anger, we weren’t going to get back together. He needs to get into counseling. He said, you mean this is all my problem? I said no, I was going to go to counseling too, but that we weren’t going to go together because he has things he needs to work on alone before we work on anything together. And it’s true, I hated the way I acted on Thursday, and on other occasions though Thurs was the worst. Our relationship dynamic has gotten so twisted, it’s really sad. He ended up saying that my plan (live apart and go to counseling) made sense, but then I haven’t heard anything else about it, so I don’t know if he’s made any arrangements or not. I pulled up some of the websites and asked him to read them, but I don’t know if he did.
He’s a great father, though, which may sound weird compared to what else I’ve written, but he really is. I said that we can work out something so he can see our son frequently and I do want that.
So I don’t know if I’m right. It seems like it’s going downhill fast, and since he’s broken the laying hands on me barrier, it doesn’t seem like a stretch to think he might punch me next time.
Also, we’ve just moved to a new place and it’s a pretty small town. We’d wanted to do this for years, and it finally worked out. We moved for my job, b/c he was able to transfer his current job here. This is supposed to be a GOOD time for us. That also means none of our friends or family lives nearby. And there’s also the gossip factor to consider, and the fact that if I do this, many people’s first impression of me is that I threw my husband out. You’d never know he was capable of any of this—except with me, he usually has this real air of calm. I didn’t see it for three or four years. And he says that he never really fought with his ex-wife. His brother has a bad record with women—his second wife left him one day while he was at work, taking their six-month-old with her. I never got the full story on that, and they still interact closely about raising their child.
I’m pretty wrecked about this. How could I have been so wrong in choosing him? Was I wrong? And since he didn’t do this before, could it be something about our relationship that’s causing it to develop? And can counseling fix it enough so it will go away and not return? I’ve called the hotline, and they said that almost no one stops doing this—also what people on this board seem to say, which is depressing. Even if it’s caught early?
And I’m pretty isolated—I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone about it. It’s embarrassing, shameful and if we do manage to work things out, I don’t want my family turned against him. I talked to a girlfriend on Friday night, after he left, and it felt really good, so I’ll probably try to talk to another friend and maybe my sister. Also need to make plans for what I’ll do if he doesn’t leave.
Sorry this is such a novel. I’d appreciate advice, support, whatever. Thank you.

Secondly, you say he hasn't physically abused you but he has. By grabbing your arms and also blocking the door he has now crossed the physical abuse line. However, the emotional and verbal is just as bad if not worse. He has intimidated and verbally/emotionally abused you.
I too thought, "how could I have been so wrong in choosing him." The fact is the abuse is an insidious thing. It often creeps up on you and suddenly you are in the middle of it. Read the book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It is a great book and may help you.
He has used his anger to control and intimidate you. Punching the roof of the car etc. I too am on equal footing when it comes to education, job and economic status with my STBX. I thought we were partners and had also come to a great place we had worked hard to get to. But you know what? We really never were partners, we really never were equals....in his mind. It is hard to say good-bye to those dreams but you will be much better off when you do not have to justify how you apologize. Do you ever feel like you are fighting for control of your own life?? Do you ever feel like you are suffocating?
Read the book and think about these things. The abuse only gets worse not better. You may have some calm times when you think it is better but the abuse always comes back. Seek out a Domestic Violence support group. They are a great resource and source of support.Stay strong and keep posting. We are here for you.
Also, what does STBX stand for? I'm new here--is there somewhere I can go to get the acronyms? I've figured out some (XH is ex husband and I think that DD is dependent daughter), but others are a mystery.
I do sometimes feel as if I'm fighting for control of my life. It's weird, the word 'adulterated' comes to mind--like my own self is getting watered down to be able to accomodate the relationship. I bite my tongue or don't do something I want to often, it's like I'm getting trained.
thanks again.
I can't stress enough that you take time to go to this boards homepage and read the articles and check the links on this page. You will find many good articles which you will think were written just for you.
It sounds like he's following a very typical route in his abuse. Abusers never show their abusive sides when we first meet or we wouldn't even stay with them. Abusers keep this side quiet and hidden. It's only after months or years, as with your H, that the abuse starts and usually when they start it's so subtle, we don't see it or we think we're misreading their actions. The abuse escalates gradually until they find a level where we show no more resistance. They also condition our thinking to that of we're the problem, not them, that if we would just do this or that the way the abuser thinks it should be done, then they wouldn't get mad. They will anyways, because it keeps us confused and lost.
Another favorite tactic is isolating us from any help from family or friends, much like he's done to you. The farther away from our support base, the easier it is for them to control our thoughts and actions. He will continue to isolate you and will make sure that if you do separate, that everyone around you will think you're the problem, not him.
Abusers do not like to be shown for what they truely are and will lie and cheat to any extent to keep the focus off themselves. He will also try to slowly diminish your ability to keep money for yourself or your son. When successful, abusers will get us to where we doubt our every move, will be afraid to try and find friends and in the end, will get us to lose our jobs and be held captive in our own homes, alone and lost.
He is following a very tried and true path to take from you all which you love and hold dear to you. The longer you stay with him, the more his ways will be taught to your son, until he has shown his son, "this is the way you treat women and others". It is too well documented that children raised in abuse, continue the abuse either to themselves or to others. The earlier you free a child from the abuse, the better the chance that they will grow up without it affecting them. But this means monitoring visiting rights, as the abuser will try to win them over while we are not around.
Contact your local shelter network, talk to them. They can help you in many ways so that you can safely find freedom from your abuser. If you should seek counseling, DO NOT seek therapists that offer marriage counseling. In abuse cases like yours not only will you get the wrong information, you will sit there with your husband and tell him how he's effecting you, what he has to do to change his abuse to get to silence you and he will sit there and take it all in. Most will say how sorry they are,,that they understand that they do have a problem and most will behave so nice for a few weeks, then they will go back to their abusive ways and will escalate the abuse until you submit.
If you cannot locate your local shelter call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and they can help you locate one. If he keeps pushing you to try to get you to react to his abuse, please under no circumstance allow yourself to strike out or hit him in any way unless it is in self-defence in a lifethreatening circumstance. He will attempt to get you to hit him or throw something at him so that if the police become involved, he can say that you initiated the fight, that you assaulted him and then this allows him to put all the focus on you. This is typical and it is dangerous.
If he keeps trying to get you to react, go to the police station and ask to talk with an officer who handles Domestic Violence and talk to them. Get it on record that a DV situation is growing in your house and that you are becoming scared. This way if someone calls that there is a fight at your house, they will know that a DV situation exsists and they should respond much more quickly than if you never alert them to this. This is also where talking with your shelter can help as they can help you get this all documented.
I hope this helps and that it is not too much info too quick. Keep posting, asking and venting here. If you can on Sunday Evenings at 7pm EDT, we have a two hour live chat and you are more than welcome to stop in and ask questions.
Please be careful how much you tell him of what you are thinking. While you may think you're helping your cause, in fact you are giving to your abuser all the information he needs to change his tactics and escalate the abuse. Only talk to those who will not tell him what you are doing. Have a plan A and B ready in case this separation turns ugly.
Educated decisions in abuse cases will help far more than emotional ones which could put you and your son in more danger.
Hugs
Hi ccinnc….there is nothing wrong about you that’s causing him to behave this way.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
STBX:
CL-Blueliner4
I stayed married and things where ok for some time years infact... but looking back the verbal abuse started slowly inch by inch then the throwing things at me then smashing stuff and you now what I am not staying around for whats coming up next. Read all you can on the cycle of abuse and please be careful I wouldn't change my life because I had another child and she is worth the world to me but I am about to leave my H and the hurt my children are going through and about to is so not worth it.....
CC he is not going to change trust me he is saying all the right things for a reason - to keep you there. I never thought my H was that bad...he didn't fit 90% of the profile or at least I didn't think so until very recently ...you see I am the one who is in control of everything in our household ..the bills the kids the money the decisions its all left up to me My H does not like to be wrong EVER so he takes no responsibilty for anything (that way in his twisted mind he is wright) because for him being wright is what's important but you know what I lived for YEARS doing it all and then guess what when I complained or 'nagged (his word)' him about issues he would lose it and then the floodgate of cr*p would come out of his mouth every decision everything I did was stupid or dumb useless or just plain wrong I heard how the kids hate me and I am the one with a problem I liked being sick (i had a chronic illness diagnosed 18months ago)how lazy I am ....etc etc etc etc the things that man said 'in anger' just should never be said he was so nasty and cruel and you know what I allowed him to get away with it because it was contained within an argument. You know what I have learned I started trying to please him all the time ....I started to modify my behavior and was always wondering does it really bother him or is he just saying it doesn't. I lived with a constant fear is he telling me his true feelings....I lived on eggshells and it was right infront of my face the whole time he controlled me in such an underhanded way I will never truly understand you see my H was Mr Nice guy 90% of the time and father of the year 90% of the time!
Sorry its so long I just feel for you because I was exactly where you are 8 years ago and
maybe my story may save you all the hurt I've had.
Be strong be safe do what is wright for your soul and your DD get him out of your head for a while and think clearly if you stay do so with knowledge behind you its your decision and I will support you either way just be careful I left just like you have but went back after 9 months.
Hugs M
Called the shelter for a referral to a counselor, and I'm seeing her next week.
H came back from his trip and didn't move out the way we had talked about, but he did find a place to move into on the first of the month. I can live with that--we agreed not to talk to each other much, and we're staggering our schedules so we don't see one another that much in the first place.
Talked to a couple of girlfriends and they are checking in with me, and will tell my family if anything happens. We (me and H) talked awhile last night, setting up the ground rules, and it wasn't too bad, no raised voices or name calling. He is adamant that I've got big problems, and tried to say that I'm abusive (I hit him in the chest about a year and a half ago when I found out he had been sneaking over to this woman's house and lying to me about it). He's going to go to counseling, so I'm hoping that he'll see things differently. Hoping, but not especially hopeful. This is rough, I'm in a daze a lot of time. I guess I'd better get used to feeling like this.
I go back to where we used to live for a couple of days next week, for work. I'm trying to decide if it's ok to leave my DS with him. Probably, I've hidden his birth cert and passport. It'll be good to see my friends again.