Can't seem to keep my mouth shut

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Can't seem to keep my mouth shut
2
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 6:23pm
Perhaps I am trying to force H into an epiphany. Perhaps I have become way too informed for my own good. I can't seem to stop pointing out the things he is doing. This morning he was mad because my parents are coming to help us add on to our house in July. (say's he won't have any say in what happens that he'll just be a laborer.)

Anyway. I digress. He's all mad. Tells me I'm stupid because I don't understand why he's mad. Informs my kids I am stupid. So I tell him that is abusive. Tell him he should read Bancroft's book. He then says I am the one who is abusive and that I can twist anything to meet my needs. I point out that him saying that is another classic ploy. He starts going off saying that he is going to move out right away. Threatening to leave on a moment's notice is another of his ploys. I say that would be really hard on the kids. He says he's doing it anyway. (Of course he won't by tonight.) I point out that hurting the kids to get back at me is yet another typical action by abusive men.

Tell me, have I lost my mind. Is it possible that pointing these things out might actually get him to see the light? Now that I write it all down it seems kind of ridiculous, but I am just so frustrated. NOTHING is working.

UGH!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:21am
Hugs mg! Talking to an abuser about their behaviour is like trying to bail the Atlantic Ocean with a teaspoon. All it does is reinforce their behaviour as they know they have found a way to make us lose our temper and mind.

I know I wanted to validate it soooo bad because I didn't think I could be so mentally led astray. I was mad at myself for letting someone take that much control over my life and my mind. But in the end, all I did was let them know which tactics worked and which ones didn't.

And be careful about talking about this with the kids anywhere within earshot or even family or friends. As you've noticed, your abuser not only defends himself and his behaviour, but gets you to shout louder than him. This just makes us look worse to all who hear. It gives the abuser the fuel to fire us up and make us look like the crazy ones.

Please be careful how much you bring up also, because during a heated argument/talk, if they can, they will keep pushing our buttons until we react physically by hitting them out of frustration or throwing something. Please do not let yourself react at this time because abusers will then call the police and tell them that you are abusing them and they are physically hurt. You will be the one going to jail, all because the abuser pushed us past our limits. This has gotten alot of abusers out of the limelight all because we let them get to us.

Keep learning, keep posting, keep asking, because a better life is there for you and your children.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:21am
Hey MG thankx for holding my hand in the other post right back at you girlfriend....I so know what you are talking about I am doing exactly the same thing and be very careful my H got mad at me and started to blame me again and told me I was a f***king idiot the other night ...he checked his behavior and I let it go....not because he is controlling me but because I know he has no self control and I am CHOOSING to be safe and do what is necessary to get through this until I leave. There is a difference (I hope)

I can tell my H is getting very tired o jumping through hoops as he put it and backed into a corner he can become a VERY nasty individual so I am doing all I can to keep things running as smooth as possible until I am out and safe.

I don't believe he would hurt me or the girls but you know what I have seen too many news reports wheere family members or friends have just buried someone who didn't think they would be hurt by their abuser. BE VERY CAREFUL you are asserting yourself and he will not like it. If his world is crashing around him then he may want to crash yours around you! I remember once my H told me he was losing everything around him so he didn't care anymore (his not so subtle way of threating me to comply or else!)

Be safe Hugs

M