a LOT has happened
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| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:41pm |
I went to visit the folks last weekend. talked to bf, all was great and good, he picked me up from the airport, couldn't have been happier to see me. Well, through 100% innocent sleuthing (ie, this girl actually came into my place of work!), i realize his ex-girlfriend has been in town. I of course freak (as i said, i live in a SMALL town, not a big city). She was with her friend, whom i recognized from another bizarre situation. As you can imagine, i couldn't deal. I confront him, stay incredibly calm, he says he lied and didn't tell me b/c he didn't think i could handle it. I told him that it was 100% his fault, how dare he place the blame on me. He said he didn't want to "hurt" me, i told him this was beyond hurt and comprehension. he said nothing happened, he wasn't the least bit attracted to her. i went for a drive, came home, said i was still so upset. didn't talk the next day, and i went to some friends house after work and came home very late. there was a rose and a note saying sorry. i didn't say anything.
Next day i wrote him a long letter, explaining everything that i had been so upset about. i told him i was giving him the letter and going to stay at a friends house for a while. he of course didn't want to deal with it that way at first and we proceed to get into another argument, he continued to say sorry and that it was his fault, but in some small way still attempted to place a bit of blame on me. We calmed down, and then both got sad but i actually still packed up and left. I haven't been home since.
The next day i got the longest and sweetest email from him. He accepted blame for everything, said that he couldn't believe how bad he had been treating me, that none of this was my fault, that i was the most important person in the world to him and how dare he treat me like this. That he couldn't believe he could hurt me the way that he had (not just this event but in the months past). That he would do everything in his power to be a better boyfriend, that he didn't realize this until i actually up and left. That he was the luckiest guy in the world, that i was the dream girlfriend/wife/mother. That he was stubborn and thickheaded and if he thought something was not that "wrong" in his eyes that he has to learn to see it from my perspective and realize that he was hurting me and that that should be enough to stop any thing. That he was so sorry he ever berated me in public (or private) for that matter. A bit more was said, and he said he hoped it wasn't too late. Didn't place blame on me for anything.
Now, that is exactly what he needed to say all the other times i have been upset. He recognized this as well. He has since written me and repeated this in some ways, and attempted to say it over the phone. I told him i wasn't over it yet and still needed time.
This is the hardest thing in the world. I'm staying at a friends house and can't stop thinking or crying. I have picked up a rather bad smoking habit in the last week (before I would just smoke rarely when i was drinking). It is so hard not to believe him. All my friends here have told me that he knows how bad he messed up and that they hope things will work out with us (two of them were with him and his ex, and said that he was SO SO SO not into her, and essentially tried to avoid hanging out with her more than necessary-i actually believe them, simply b/c they are girls in relationships and his ex was so NOT attractive). His friend told me that he freaked when he found out she was coming and asked him advice (he told him he needed to tell me the truth). He (my bf) wishes he had but obviously can't change the past.
I'm so torn. I think we are going to talk, he is going to see a therapist (of course on my insurance b/c he doesn't have any at the moment)---which means i have to see her as well. He is admitting to everything, and said that he had totally taken for granted that i would be there for him in the morning, can't believe that i am gone. I can't stop crying, i just hate this.
help and thanks for listening.

DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS.
Honey, if he REALLY was sorry he would have stopped his shenanigans months ago.
CL-Blueliner4
And as for the job thing, on the day I found out about ex slut woman, he actually got a job (a fairly decent one). I don't know the details b/c it has sort of been the farthest thing from my mind but he is working right now.
So if he is starting to do all the "right" signs of change, does that mean he is going to? And when DO you actually give a second chance? I think this leaving thing was a shock to his system and truly made him realize some things. I can't believe i actually left, this is a HUGE step for me---not to mention next to impossible.
IF (and it's a big if) he is changing, he's got to keep this up for months (and we're not talking a month or two).
CL-Blueliner4
Anyway, my bf has an appt with a counselor/therapist this morning (or he said he was really going to try to get in this morning). He claims he is going in with an open mind, hopes she can help him. Says he would like to talk to me afterwards, he also said in an email he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore, well, that he wanted to change and get better but also didn't know if I'd put up with him through it all. Said he wants to do everything he can to prove he will be a better boyfriend. I think he truly might want to but I guess my doubts are if he actually WILL. I mean, I know I have flaws too and I have done something dishonest as well (though not malicious or with any sort of intent). Its hard not to believe him. Also, at some point I have to go home and do laundry, get other clothes, etc. And my friends WILL be back in town next week I believe. I don't want to couch surf for much longer, there is something to be said for living in your w