Question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Question?
6
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:30pm
I had left an abusive relationship a little over 2 monthes ago. He was verbally and pyshically abusive to me. I have a 5 year old son alsowith this guy. I have tried to since we broke up to allow my son to see him but in return my ex has always treated me like crap infront of him or used it as an excuse to fight with me. Well it has been a little over 2 weeks since he has seen him or talked to him. He called yesterday and wants to see his son. My question, is he using my son to get to me or does he really miss him and sincerely wants to see him. When he called he was very nice for a change and I thought that something was wrong with him. I am also afraid of something else. I took myself and my son out of that relationship because I was afraid that my son would turn out like his father which was my worst fear. Now I am wondering if I allow him to see his dad and let say he starts treating his new girlfriend the same way he treated me what kinda of affect would this have on my son. I am sort of stuck I want to let his father in his life but I do not want my son to turn out like him. What do I do? I know he will never change and that he is going to treat ever new girlfriend just as he treated me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 4:16pm

Hi crk, welcome back -


I'm not a parent, so I can't exactly comment on the second part of this situation.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 4:54pm
My father and mother are both mad at me right know because I allowed my son to see his my ex. My family has witnessed first hand what he did to me and they feel that I should not allow my son to have contact. My ex has said and done things to me the a five year old should never have to see. They think he will talk bad about me to my son or he will try and turn him against me in some way. I do not know what to think though. He seemed sincere when he called. I know there is probably a motive but what do I do? The last time I allowed him to see his son I ended up going to the police and having it documented. The police called him and told him to leave me alone. This was two or three weeks ago. Since then he has called my friend up asking how my son is and that he misses him and that he is afraid to call because he feels I would call the police again. She told him that he is allowed to call his son just not harrass me. When he called yesterday he sounded so sincere and nice which is very unlike him. I kept it short and sweet. I just hope I made the right choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:12pm
I'm in the same boat. I left My X a week ago and he calls and threatens to come get our son and tells me that I'm trying to keep him away from him. I try to tell him I'm not, but that I don't trust him to control himself, should anything make him mad. Which of course makes him mad hearing that. Also he has no interest in seeing his son on the weekends (because thats when he parties and drinks) he's only interested during the week. He never says he misses him he just says that I'm being childish and it's his turn to show me what it feels like, so in my eyes it seems like he just wants him to get at me or to hurt me. The whole time we lived together he rarly spent anytime with our son during the week maybe 30 interupted minutes a day at the most and was too busy drinking on the weekends. I know he loves his son, but sometimes I feel like the only reason he even loves him is because thats what he is supposed to do. I don't know how to tell if they are being sincere or not because if yours is anything like mine it's hard to tell. It's like he's been wired to lie and be selfish. I know how concerning it is for your child and not wanting him to turn out that way my X is a 3rd generation abuser, unfortunatly I believe it's a learned behavior. By leaving him I have already broken the vicious cycle and can only hope to raise my son with as much love and compassion and promise to myself that if in the future my son starts to show signs of abusive behaivors that I will seek help for him and support him in helping himself. I will not turn my cheek and watch him destroy his life and the others around him such as my MIL and FIL are doing. I am requesting supervised visitation for my X and for him to complete a 52 week batterers intervention hopefully the judge agrees that's the best thing for my son.

Good luck sorry I'm not much help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: crk21
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 2:44am
Unfortunately, it's very hard to legally keep your son away from him.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: crk21
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:29pm
Honestly, I have gone through similar things on and off. It sounds like you guys were not married as I wasnt either. With the visiting thing, unless there is a court order for visitation, it is up to the gaurdian when and if the other person can see the child. he would have to take her to court for visitation of the child and it doesnt sound like there is a court order and I think thats true for all states. As a matter of fact if something happens on a visit whether its physical or he witnesses DV and child services finds out and further finds out that the mother knew there was a potential danger to the child given her exes past if they really wanted to be jerks they can also bring charges against the mother if she knew the child "could" be in danger and his father is an abuser. trust me I know this, so its better if she makes him go through the courts to get supervised visits or if she can bring witnesses and documentation and theres strong enough evidence he can be a danger to his child, then she can try and push for no visitation. It is better to be safe than sorry, and yes since she's the gaurdian and he left the household, and especially since he is an abuser she has EVERY right to not let him see his child until it goes through court and thats true for EVERY state.

Put it this way if I let our children visit with there father alone and someone decides to report it, even though child services isnt in my life, they can quickly get back in my life becuase of the DV. They witnessed it and were in the same house when it was going on 3 and 4 years ago and they could bring up charges agianst me if they really wanted to even if nothing happened. So women have to really think about this one sometimes and tread very carefully. Is it worth the risk of losing your child forever? When your married I dont know what happens, bit when your going through a divorce the custody goes right along with it and visitation which you can fight or set up for supervised or whatever. They do look at everything. i dont know about crossing state lines though, but some states if your fleeing from abuse need to relocate there are laws to protect the victims.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: crk21
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 3:00am

Hi, mom2and.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you