confused. he's done a 180.
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confused. he's done a 180.
| Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:03pm |
a couple months ago, someone here directed me to lundy bancroft's book "why does he do that." i read and re-read it and copied pages galore. but now my husbands gone from mr. mean (actually, according to the book, "mr. demand man", "mr. right", and a splash of "the victim" tossed in) to being sooo loving and concerned for me, my safety. he wants to be with me all the time. i feel straightjacketed and his possessive love still feels like abuse. this started when i stood up to him and told him i felt abused after he threatened to "take his belt off and beat me till i couldn't sit down." now sometimes he'll do non-threatening things and mocking me say "am i abusing you now?" where i work, some guy chucked me on the arm in a friendly way and he asked why that wasn't abuse, that that was worse than what he did. anyway, he says how much he loves me, how concerned he is for. i feel guilty and confused. someone i told this to said he's just trying a new approach to controlling me. we argued tonight and i told him this was smothering me and he (of course) got upset and started saying, "well, just go out and get yourself raped. i'm not saying another word." the statement centered around me wanting to fitness walk outside, during the day, in a very high end community. whenever we fight, i can't walk away or he says, "see, you just don't care" or something similar so i stand there weaving in the doorway until my legs hurt and i've about lost my voice. tonight i apologized and made up to him just so i could go to sleep in peace, but i feel rotten. this has gone on for well over a year. i want to leave but it would ruin alot of lives (his, my two boys ages 12 & 19) plus i have not a decent enough job to live on. is all this love for real? should i feel guilty for not accepting it? is it more control (aka abuse)? sorry this is long...i could go one forever about what he's said and how it's hurt.

Well, your H has definitely changed his tactics.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
After 8 months of "dating" my husband of 10 years (now it's 25 years), I moved back in. What was the harm in giving it another try, I thought. He seemed totally changed. I could see him start to go into one of his rages, and then he would pause and stop. He would bite his tongue and calm down, leave the room. There was no more abuse. For two years I lived a normal life. I was so happy. I had everything I had dreamed of.
Then because of our jobs, we moved. It was as if a switch had been thrown in him. He instantly reverted to a person who was more abusive than ever. I remember the month after we moved it was my birthday. With no provocation whatsoever, he stood me up for dinner, then came home and flew into a violent rage and ripped up all the plants I had moved with us. I was stunned. Things went straight downhill from there. Eventually he ruined my hearing. Now I am going through a divorce at the age of 55.
Looking back on it, I can see that he was always abusive when I was most vulnerable and defenseless. Before we moved, he was on his best behavior because he thought I had an alternative in the man at work who was interested in me. Also, during those years my job was secure and I had enough strength and money to leave him. After we moved, I was starting up in a new and incredibly demanding job in a strange city where I didn't know anyone, and the other guy was far away. I was not in a good position to leave or fight back, so he started right in on me again. This pattern was characteristic of our marriage. When I was going through all that hell, I couldn't see the pattern. Now I can.
It still amazes me that anyone could be that cunning about their abuse. The fact that he was able to change for 2 whole years and then become the most vicious person is amazing to me. It tells me that all this behavior is really under his control. When he looks like he is raging out of control, he is totally in control of what he is doing and could stop on a dime if it was in his interest.
Hi summer4forever...I see zero change in him other than his change in tactics which is very common when an abuser has been confronted.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
I hope my lurking here doesn't upset anyone. I'm 33 years old and spent my childhood watching my mom spiral through a series of abusive relationships, so I can tell you firsthand what it's like to be a child in a domestic violence situation. And I can tell you unequivocally, you won't be "ruining" your boys' lives by getting out. You just might be saving them - or, you might be saving a woman who loves them. Because what you're creating by raising your children in an environment of abuse, often, is either more abusers or more victims.
When I was six years old, I sat quaking on the sofa and watched as my stepfather wrapped his hands around my mother's neck and beat her head against the wall. Something inside me just broke - in that moment, all the safety in my childhood evaporated. My mother could not protect herself, and therefore, I knew, she could not protect me. As the man changed but the abuse continued, I was never safe again. How can children accept and respect a mom as any kind of authority figure who either can't or won't obtain basic safety, and basic human decency and respect, for herself and her children? How can young men have any respect for women when they're seeing you treated this way? I don't mean to sound harsh, but please don't use "I have to stay with him for the kids" as a crutch when the truth is, it's all about you - what you will and won't accept, the kind of courage you'll have to gather to leave this man. And please don't look at my story and say, "Well, it's not THAT bad, he doesn't BEAT me." Because watching my mother be degraded and humiliated made my stomach turn in a way that even seeing her beaten did not. It was every bit as painful.
That you are worthy of respect, and are willing to take a risk to demand that respect for yourself and for them, is one of the great lessons you can still teach your sons. Please do it.