UPDATE - it's been a long while...
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| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:17am |
It's been a long time since I've visited this board. About 8 months. Still haven't completely gotten out of the cycle. My story: Last Nov I fled to a DV shelter and stay for 60 days. My husband and I moved back in together in February. Over the holidays I fell for his charms once again. He did so much to secure a home and moved everything in and I felt he really wanted it to work. I was feeling that if he was tired of being alone maybe he would appreciate me and the children this time.
I should have noticed the negative signs. But I believe people can change. And I still believe that, but now, I know it's up to that individual to WANT to change. And change is HARD. I know, because it is hard for me and I want to change. It only took a couple of weeks for my dh to start showing his true verbally abusive self. He started blaming me and accusing me, being overly criticle, having too high expectations, etc. And after one month (march) he had a drinking/drug binge. The awful pattern of denial on his part was about to begin again. That time, although devastated, I wasn't gonna put myself and the children through it again. I told everyone what he did and he got very mad at me. And he blamed me and everyone else for his drinking, too. But all the shelters were full so I had to stay just a little longer.
I gave it my best and didn't walk around bitter or saulking. I know I still tried to become a better person and learn to love myself. I forgave him and moved on, while he allowed himself to spiral further downward. In April, he had another relapse and again blamed me for it. I didn't do this or that. I knew this time it was all BS. I've been attending a Codepentdent support group and they all saw me get stronger and healthier. So when dh tried to lie to me and say I was THE problem, I didn't believe. I knew I had to get out. Also the verbal abuse was starting to turn physically threatening (throwing and breaking stuff).
So it's been about 30 days since I left. I moved in my mother's one bedroom apartment temporarily and then when the shelter had space I moved in there.
Now i'm applying for Transitional Housing for homeless women and children. I found out Domestic Violence is the number one reason for homelessness. It accounts for 50% of the homeless. And this is the second time I've been homeless because I fled my dh. Last time it seemed hopeless that I would finding housing on my own. I was really getting desperate. And dh made so many promises about being sober, being in a recovery program. He found a house and moved everything in. I thought he was stepping up and finally being the husband/father God created him to be.
But I was wrong. He relapsed... not only with drinking but with his anger too. And all the "signs of an abuser" were crystal clear.
Homeless again, but not helpless. I have done a lot of personal growth. And taking care of my spiritual self that I'm strong this time. (I hope) The door that has openned for me is in a new city. I'll have to leave my job and start anew. I go for the one on one interview for the community next monday. Wish me luck.
Loonybunny
ps. and maybe I'll change my name to something more stable and strong. :)

Welcome back, Ms. Bun-bun!
I'm sorry that you had to endure all of that, but I am glad to see you doing well and sounding so strong.
CL-Blueliner4
sampo24
in just two days time i am moving back in wiv my abusive partner who has told me that its definately the last time anythin bad will happen and that he is getting help (i was told last nite that counsilling or anger management may not help because it is about control and he chooses to do it- he doesnt lose it like people assume)but what u wrote has made me think again! along with the other information on this site about abusers being execellant con men.
I have decided now that i want to split from him- if he wanted to change he would have done it all the other times i left and came back, he tries to make me believe that he is not like the other men and he even said that the last time he hit me was because i provoked him!
he says he reconises that its wrong but still tries to justify it.
i remember one time when i came back from work, he had been looking after our two yr old and even though he had a car he sent one of his friends to get me from work. When i got home- quite late evening by now, i was knackered the house was a tip(if i had left it like that after he had been at work all day he would have gone nuts) as soon as i got in the door he asked me to go and walk up to the garage and get his fags! obviously being knackered myself i said no- seeing as he had a car and could have driven up there! the more i refused the more angrey he got till i was so scared i ended up going anyway against my principles just to keep the peace.Then i ended up sleeping on the floor of my kids room coz i was to scared to go into our room he even refused to let me have a pillow, while he slept on our bed wiv four!
thank u for sharing ure experience its made me think again before i make another horrible mistake! good luck to u. i am now going to follow in ure footsteps and leave!- next step, makin sure i am safe from him in my own home, im lucky to have my own space i know this.
Hi ivcrofty, and welcome -
If we have at all helped you, I am glad.
CL-Blueliner4