Confused, scared and frustrated
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Confused, scared and frustrated
| Wed, 06-02-2004 - 2:47pm |
First of all, i just wanted to say how happy i am i found this place. I used to feel
so alone before i found this message board, but now i know i'm not. A little background,
i've been with my BF for a little over 6 years now, and not until recently have i admitted to myself that i was in an abusive relationship. maybe because i didn't know it,
or maybe because i was just in denial. actually i think it was combination of both. i would tell myself things weren't that bad and that every couple had problems and ours were just "normal". boy was i wrong!! the entire time we've been together i've been screamed at, put down, pushed around (literally) and just made to feel like nothing. and now i can honestly say that i'm afraid of him and because i am, i make it a point to watch what i say and do around him because the smallest things set him off. i finally reached my breaking point a couple of months ago. i was stressed out at work and unhappy at home, and i sank into a really bad depression. thank goodness i found the strength to talk to a therapist. she's not a specialist in dv, but she knows the best thing for me right now is to leave my bf. i know in my heart i need to leave too, but i keep having this thoughts of what his reaction will be once i do go. he's not the type where we can have a civil discussion about it. a few days ago he actually noticed my mood was a little different and distant and he asked me what was wrong. well, for some reason i decided that maybe i should tell him that i wanted to live on my own, but not because i was unhappy in our relationship, but because i needed to find myself and find the independence i thought i had lost. that was probably the biggest mistake i could have made. at first he was really calm and agreeable and he thought it might be good for us since he wasn't entirely happy either and since i never lived on my own and he had, its something i should experience before i settle down for good. i almost passed out from shock after he said that!! of course this didn't last long. a few days later he had me cornered in the kitchen screaming at me in my face telling me i would never be anything because i always run away when things get hard and that i love playing the victim and having people feel sorry for me and how stupid and unrealistic i was. and then he told me i had a month to get out and find a place because he couldn't deal with me anymore. its hard to describe how i felt after that, but i guess the closest thing would be, just feeling numb and hurt. i couldn't even defend myself because i knew no matter what i said he wouldn't listen. you would think the subject would be over, but of course it wasn't. he would ask me everyday if i had found a place and if i didn't, i better make other arrangements. so finally i lied and told him i had changed my mind and wanted to stay and work things out with him and of course now he's happy. i only did it so i could have more time to find a place and to hopefully get him to stop bullying me. all of this actually helped with the guilt i was feeling for looking for my own place. but part of me still feels guilty because he booked a trip for us to go to las vegas in august and he paid for everything himself, so i feel obligated to go. and i also am scared of what his reaction will be, once i'm gone and i'm having doubts about whether i can make it on my own. it feels like i'm getting over it a little everyday, but i still have these doubts and fears in my mind. i really need some encouragement to let me know that i'm doing tha right thing and that i can do it. i would love to hear any success stories too. thanks for listening and sorry this is so long. i have a few more issues i need to talk about, but i'll save that for another post
so alone before i found this message board, but now i know i'm not. A little background,
i've been with my BF for a little over 6 years now, and not until recently have i admitted to myself that i was in an abusive relationship. maybe because i didn't know it,
or maybe because i was just in denial. actually i think it was combination of both. i would tell myself things weren't that bad and that every couple had problems and ours were just "normal". boy was i wrong!! the entire time we've been together i've been screamed at, put down, pushed around (literally) and just made to feel like nothing. and now i can honestly say that i'm afraid of him and because i am, i make it a point to watch what i say and do around him because the smallest things set him off. i finally reached my breaking point a couple of months ago. i was stressed out at work and unhappy at home, and i sank into a really bad depression. thank goodness i found the strength to talk to a therapist. she's not a specialist in dv, but she knows the best thing for me right now is to leave my bf. i know in my heart i need to leave too, but i keep having this thoughts of what his reaction will be once i do go. he's not the type where we can have a civil discussion about it. a few days ago he actually noticed my mood was a little different and distant and he asked me what was wrong. well, for some reason i decided that maybe i should tell him that i wanted to live on my own, but not because i was unhappy in our relationship, but because i needed to find myself and find the independence i thought i had lost. that was probably the biggest mistake i could have made. at first he was really calm and agreeable and he thought it might be good for us since he wasn't entirely happy either and since i never lived on my own and he had, its something i should experience before i settle down for good. i almost passed out from shock after he said that!! of course this didn't last long. a few days later he had me cornered in the kitchen screaming at me in my face telling me i would never be anything because i always run away when things get hard and that i love playing the victim and having people feel sorry for me and how stupid and unrealistic i was. and then he told me i had a month to get out and find a place because he couldn't deal with me anymore. its hard to describe how i felt after that, but i guess the closest thing would be, just feeling numb and hurt. i couldn't even defend myself because i knew no matter what i said he wouldn't listen. you would think the subject would be over, but of course it wasn't. he would ask me everyday if i had found a place and if i didn't, i better make other arrangements. so finally i lied and told him i had changed my mind and wanted to stay and work things out with him and of course now he's happy. i only did it so i could have more time to find a place and to hopefully get him to stop bullying me. all of this actually helped with the guilt i was feeling for looking for my own place. but part of me still feels guilty because he booked a trip for us to go to las vegas in august and he paid for everything himself, so i feel obligated to go. and i also am scared of what his reaction will be, once i'm gone and i'm having doubts about whether i can make it on my own. it feels like i'm getting over it a little everyday, but i still have these doubts and fears in my mind. i really need some encouragement to let me know that i'm doing tha right thing and that i can do it. i would love to hear any success stories too. thanks for listening and sorry this is so long. i have a few more issues i need to talk about, but i'll save that for another post

Glad you're here. I am sure you will find this place as helpful as I have. I am in no position to give a ton of advice, as I am still wrestling with what to do with my situation, however I see some experiences we have in common.
My H says almost on a weekly basis that he is "packing his sh#t and leaving tomorrow." Of course he never does. Just says it to get a rise out of me. Sounds like your BF is doing the same with his "be out in a month." Most likely he doesn't mean it because if you left then he wouldn't have any control over you anymore.
I don't see anything wrong with smoothing things over to give yourself a little peace and plan your next move. If you can stand it, and are not in any imminent danger, a little time to plot your future well-being is a good thing, in my opinion. That's what I am doing now. Life's not a great deal of fun, but at least I am getting my ducks in a row.
The biggest danger for me in this approach has been keeping my perspective and not falling back into the trap of accepting the abuse or taking responsibility for his actions. That you are already in counseling is a very good thing. Will probably help avoid that. Also, this board can be of value in the same vein. The folks here are great about providing some of that perspective.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
MG
Thanks for your reply. Thats exactly what I've been doing lately, planning a way out. I've been looking for an apartment for the past 1 1/2 months trying to find a place i like. Sometimes though i feel a little twinge of guilt because i'm finally doing something for me for a change. at least its a little peaceful in the house now since we're in the "honeymoon period". In the past during this time i would get caught up in his good moods and how nice he was and forgive him for whatever mean things he said or did in a previous argument, but of course the same thing would happen again eventually. Now i know this time only lasts for so long, and soon he would find something else to yell at me about. Once he got mad at me for putting dishes away so he yelled at me and started throwing our pot lids across the floor. He got upset that he burned something he was cooking so he took it out on me.
Something else has been bothering me that i haven't even talked to my therapist about yet (i have an appointment this friday). I have a feeling that he may be seeing someone else behind my back. i don't have any solid proof, but something in my gut is telling me something isn't right. Like i said before, we've been together for over 6 years and have lived together for the last 4. During that time, he's spent more and more time online in chatrooms. I asked him about it once and he says he does it all in fun and pretends to be different people. i don't believe him. I think he's been giving his cell phone number out and talking to women he meets in these chatrooms. He always waits until i'm in bed (on the 3rd floor) before he goes online. another thing is for the past 2-3 sunday afternoons he's been disappearing for a couple hours at a time, and when he gets home he doesn't give an explanation except maybe that he had to "run a few errands"!!!! The last thing that happened that got me really upset, happened this past sunday. We went to best buy to look around and i noticed a women's sweater thrown in the backseat of his car, which wasn't mine??!!!! I told him someone left a sweater back there and he looked at me and just kept driving. he didn't say a word!!! Thats when i got this sick feeling in my stomach. i can't believe this is happening. If he's seeing someone else why won't he just tell me thats what he wants and let me go. Things would be so much easier!!