Overwhelmed

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Overwhelmed
9
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 1:34pm
This is probably going to be long - so grab your coffee/drink and if you continue to read, sit back and spend some time with me and my sob story.

I'm tired today. More so than usual. So EVERYTHING seems so much bigger than it probably is. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I can't turn back, I can't seem to go forward and I sure as heck don't like where I am in the middle. If I could just disappear, well that would solve my problems.

I'm feeling like such a failure today. As I think back over my marriage, it was wrong. All wrong. I never wanted to get married or have kids. I had a bet with the girls from my high school that I would never get married or have kids. I didn't win that one. So, I settled for this guy because I felt sorry for him. Because I didn't think I'd be able to get anywhere else. I had no self-esteem then (still don't). I got scared. So I agreed to marry him. I figured where else would I end up? Then, I saw how "wonderful" he was with his sisters baby - gosh the look on his face - he just lit up. So, I decided to have a baby. But his face didn't light up the same way. She was a burden - I know why now - I didn't then. She took my attention from him. I had to keep her quiet, make her behave, because we couldn't be disturbing 'him'. I was so 'hooked' by him, that when his brother molested her, I did nothing. I did nothing - what a poor excuse of a mother. I was more concerned about HIS feelings that what had happened to her. What an idiot. But I didn't see it then. I was blind.

So 5 years later, I wanted another child, this time it was for me. My dad died 3 days before she was born. I went into labor at his funeral. I couldn't be happy, or sad for that matter. She was such a good baby. Never fussed - God must have known that I couldn't have handled it any other way. She has always been pretty easy going, but she is spoiled. Takes no responsibility for herseslf (she is 17 now), not even to cook her own dinner or wash her dishes. I know, a lot of that is normal teenage stuff, but trust me, she walks all over me and she knows how to play her father.

2 or 3 years after she was born, "we" decided to try again for a third child, hopefully a boy. I miscarried, a week before christmas. I was about 10 - 12 weeks along. It took another couple of years before I conceived again. I was 34. I didn't want another child. I was tired of raising children, but "he" really wanted a son. I said that I would try until I was 35 then I would be done. 2 weeks before I turned 35 I had our son. The labor was horrible - I've never been in that much pain. He was 9 1/2 lbs! He didn't sleep through the night for 9 months, I couldn't find lasting suitable daycare - he went through 5 or 6 providers before he started school. I had post-partum depression. I would sit on the floor and cry. When I finally got the nerve up to talk with my ob/gyn - he said he couldn't do anything - I'd have to go to a psychiatrist. I couldn't make that call. I just knew I that I couldn't let my kids down by staying so darned depressed, and willed myself back to life.

But here I am again - feeling that same dark gloom. I've felt it for the last couple years. I tried to tell my husband I wasn't happy - his response was "is it me?" I said I didn't know, that was why I wanted to go get help, he replied with a couple of wonderfully unsupportive comments "don't hurt me or the kids" and "don't even tell me you want time to find yourself because so-n-so's sister-in-law said that and now they are divorced" - wow - hon, thanks for caring about me. So a year later on the pretense of perimenopause - I went to my regular physician - told her I cried a lot. She put me on zoloft and here I am, 8 months later. And no better for the wear.

My life is a shambles. I'm unhappy at home and I feel badly about my children having to live in this environment. I'm unhappy at work - have I told you about work? My main job? My dh works there also. But there is a guy there that (unfortunately) I have become emotionally attached to. I see that I'm attached. He is married. He thinks happily, but knowing what has occured between us, obviously not that happily, anyway - I have told him I can't handle anything. That it has to stop and he is respecting that. But he talks about stuff with me. I know that he means well, that he isn't trying to hurt me - he is trying to help me see how wrong my marriage is (I think) but not because he wants to be with me, to be honest, I don't know why, but anyway - my point is, I can't stand to hear him talk about the fun stuff he does. I want to do fun stuff. I want to be happy. I'm tired of crying all the time. I want my husband to know just how sad I am. I want him to care enough to want to help me and not sulk or pout or worry about it. I want him to love me enough to let me go. Because I can't do this. I can't leave him. No matter how badly I may want to, I haven't got it in me to do it. So I will continue to be miserable because I won't leave and I will continue to see people around me doing the things I want to do and having fun, and I will be stuck here, with this man who won't do anything cause he isn't sure how he will be feeling, or he is too uncomfortable in that situation, and "don't make me uncomfortable" And I know - it's not my job, I'm not God. But he doesn't know that. He manipulates me so that I feel so stuck. He has me right where he wants me - under his thumb. Immobilzed.

I know all the things I should be doing to get free, but I can't seem to do anything. Nothing. I don't even want to fight with my kids. They don't want something - fine. Why bother. I'm so tired. I can't fight it anymore. None of it. I give up. It feels like a losing battle, and I don't battle well to begin with.

For any of you still reading - first let me say to the ones out there in 'young' marriages - I've been married 24 years - this is where emotional and verbal abuse has gotten me. I couldn't be more miserable. Get out before you end up like me. dharma, jt, newcam - all of you who have been in and are now getting out after the long haul - I envy you. No, I'm not jealous of you, I'm glad you made it to freedom. Be careful not to fall back into the trap with a new guy down the road.

I really wish my husband would hear my plea and let me go. I don't know what I fear. He has never even threatened to hurt me physcically. This is such an emotional mess for me and I must keep everything a secret from everybody except you here. I live a lie. I can't feel good about myself as long as I continue to live this lie. The only way for me to feel better is to get away from him. But I don't have the strength to do that. Talk about a catch-22.

I've sobbed enough for many people today. I hope is some crazy way that this helps someone out there who isn't sure what to do, certainly for others, please don't join me in this misery. Find the strength to get away before you totally lose yourself.

ples

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:20pm
Well, I don't know exactly what to tell you. I always thought I'd never have the strength to get out of that mess, but one day I decided I couldn't live anymore with someone who treats me the way he does. He's told me before he treats me like a queen! Do queens get beaten, cheated-on, verbally abused, taken for granted? I think not. I think you know for sure things aren't going to get better. He's not going to change. It's been 24 years, why would he change now? I gave mine 27 years to change; he did change, but only changed his tactics. The manipulation was still there. I can't say I'm happy right now. I don't feel the same day-to-day stress I was feeling. He's getting at me through the kids. If it wasn't for them, I'd be o.k. I just know the future is going to be better.

Hugs,

Jackie

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Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:44pm

Oh, Pam, honey, I wish I was over there to give you a big hug and let you just sob your eyes out.


The Zoloft isn't working because there's more to it than simple depression.

CL-Blueliner4

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:20pm
Jackie, blue

Thank you. I swear I had an anxiety attack today. Blue - I've been afraid to say it, but I've wondered the same thing - am I getting closer to not tolerating it any more. I am registered for Camp jeep (thank you for remembering) AND I have added a couple days in Hershey, PA on the way down. I've bought a couple things I've wanted for my jeep. I do believe, literally it will be my vehicle to freedom. He has started talking a little bit about the trip, no much. Can't make heads or tails as to whether he really WANTS to go or has agreed to go because he senses that I'm going with or without him.

This guy at work, that I talk to. He talks about things that I want to do. It is so hard to listen to him. I lost it today. I cried in the bathroom at work for 15 to 20 minutes, decided I would come home, got home, and cried for 20 minutes here as well before I was able to get my act together.

I know the zoloft alone won't solve my problems. I'd like to get off of it to be honest. Time. All in due time.

I feel that I need to change my "reasoning" in my head. Instead of trying to "blame" him because he is emotionally dependent on me thus emotionally abusive, I need to accept my feelings and stand by them. No, I'm not 100% sure of my feelings. But I do know that I'm not happy with him. What do we have in common? The kids. He likes to mountain bike, I don't. He likes to play volley ball, I don't. I want to go camping. I want to go 4 wheelin'. I want to go to the beach. I want to live in the woods, near a lake or by the ocean or by the mountains. I want peace with nature. He wants to sit in the house and watch sports. He wants me to take care of him. He thinks he takes care of me because of what he doesn't do. But what does he do?

Anything that happens in this family happens because of me. He will not initiate anything. He tells the guy that he rides bikes with that he has to check with me. Bullpoop. He doesn't have to check with me - he can ride forever for all I care. You see, I trust him. Wish I didn't, but I do. Unfortunately for me, he will never have an affair as he is to goshdarned scared!

I believe he knows that he is on thin ice. The kids have 3 more weeks of school. Then there are 2 weeks before we go to PA and VA. I would sure love to go without him. But I will go with him if need be. But let him be grumpy or keep us from doing the fun stuff we want to do. It may be a long ride home. But I do believe that either way - this trip is going to be a breaking point for us.

Perhaps I'm scared and that is what caused my anxiety today. No, not perhaps. Yes, I'm scared. Don't know of what, except that I still feel so badly about how much he will hurt inside. I know how he will feel. I've felt that way in my life. I never wanted to do it to someone else. But, he is doing it to me,even if he doesn't realize it.

But - I must become confident in what I am feeling. I have to not doubt my gut. I should have listened to it SO many years ago. Did I ever mention that when we got married, we went to Maryland, then down to stay with his sister in - yep - Virginia. He got mad at me on our wedding day. Thought I was flirting with a customer in his sisters shop. I remember being so in shock at his reaction, but being so far from home, I didn't know what to say, and if I said anything, how was I to get home? So, I said nothing. It was the beginning of the end.

I'm ok. I'll be ok.

Pam

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 6:59am
Hugs ples. How long are you going to try to carry your past into your future? You are under alot of pressure, so instead of adding more to it, why not try to start losing some of the dead baggage, start to carry a lighter load and get to the life that you know is there but you're to scared to go to.

If you want to go to Camp Jeep, then the rest of the people around you are old enough to do for themselves for a few days, and get your butt to the camp! Stop trying to be everything to everybody because all you end up doing it being nobody to yourself!

And why in Heaven's name are you trying to befriend a married man?? Geeze girl, let's add a bunch more weight to the crap I'm carrying and make it worse on myself??

You know what you have to do, so do it!! Go to this camp and have a wonderful time. Don't go to this camp just to think more of what is going on at home, this is a time to think about what you are going to do for Pam while at this camp. First, try having a damn good time dispite the world. Second, do not seek out anyone who winks at you, you don't need that because you're here to have fun with Jeeps, not men!

Now, once you have had the best time you've had in a long, long time, then come home and start dealing with how you can start getting this burden off your shoulders.

Before you go out and start looking to find someone to share a new life with, or in some cases, looking for another life which will make us miserable because we haven't worked hard enough to improve our life and we just trade misery and put a new name on it. How about you take care of you, get down to the basics and see just what you need to be happy and go get it.

Your H is not going to just leave out of compassion,,you and all of us know that's BS. You have to stop running from freedom and happiness and run towards it. You do not need another person in your life who's married because all that will do is put you right back where you are now. Healing is learning, if you don't learn you will keep repeating your mistakes and wonder why?

So, go to the camp, if you start a relationship, start it with you, the lady in the mirror. It's about time you two got to reknow each other. The only other relationship you need at this camp is with your Jeep. Get to know how much you can do with it, and get the most out of it. You will find that with knowledge you can do so many more things wtih your Jeep than you ever thought, put the same knowledge into your life, see the obstacles, figure a way to get over them and put it to work. You will find, if you allow yourself to see it, that you are not going to a camp to learn how to deal with hard terrain, you're going to a camp where you learn to deal with life's hard terrain.

As for your married friend, think alittle harder about this. Stop seeing life through his fantasies and start chasing your dreams, emphasis on YOUR DREAMS!

If you don't start to refocus onto yourself, if you dont' start finding the good within you first, if you don't start giveing yourself the room to heal, you will just stay on this miserable merri-go-round of abuse and wonder why you can't get off it.

You're worth the effort to find the happier life and it's there. But you have to stop looking to the past and do the what if's, coulda, shoulda, woulda. Today is the only day that you have control over. Tomorrow is another today that if you don't use to it's fullest will become just another yesterday. Only one person can make your life better Pam, and that person is you. You can go to all the therapists, you can take all the medications they hand you, but if you do not do the footwork to break the chain that you keep on yourself, you will not find freedom.

Look upon all your yesterdays and see the path they've left you on. Now look towards the tomorrows and recognize the paths that can take you higher. Your past is done, you cannot change yesterday, but you sure as Hell can change today so that tomorrow is far better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: ples62
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 7:26am
Hey Pam,

I'm hugging you tight right now. That overwhelmed feeling is one of the worst feelings there is. It makes you feel like you are going on slow motion while the rest of the world is speeding up. You feel like you will never catch up and your energy level is at an all time low. Part of the reason is you feel responsible for him because he has conditioned you to think of his feelings only, add the children..you've got a whole semi-truck load of responsibilities. That part of the conditioning is real hard to break. Listening to that guy at work is only confusing things more. What needs to be done is all inside you, the fun things will happen later.

I've been out over 6 months now. Everyone kept telling me to think of me, but for a long time my brain couldn't. The thought of leaving was so scary and after I was free I still couldn't stop my brain from wandering around to everyone else. I kept reading all the support I got, but for some reason I wouldn't let it sink in. Do that I really would have to do a 360 on my thinking patterns. Slowly, their words were starting to make sense.

Just keep it going...where is that Jeep thing in PA? Maybe you are going someplace near me. If so, I can meet you and buy you an ice cream!


Terry

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:30am
Oh Buff and Terry,

Goodness - you all make so much sense. Buff, I am trying to keep my head straight about this friend at work. I really believe he is just a friend. I have no secret desires to con him away from his wife and family. He positively adores his children. What I see in him is some bits and pieces of what I want, but then there are parts of him that I KNOW I would never settle for.

I do need to get away from my husband. I do need some time to find me and what I like. I am - hear me loud - I AM GOING to camp jeep. I don't care who goes with me and who doesn't go with me. I intend on doing my best to have the best time for me and my kids.

Terry, if by chance, HE doesn't go with me - I will LOVE to look you up and have an ice cream with you. Actually the camp jeep is in Virginia. We are going to stop in Hershey on the way down. I'll be coming across Rte 84 to Rte 81.

I know that I think of everyone else before me. It will be new to do. But the reservations that I've made and paid for at camp jeep, well, it is something I wouldn't have done before - I think I'm starting to panic bacause I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I'm not sure I have the money - but I'm going - I've got credit :) - I'll worry about paying for it later!! This is part of my let go and Let God.

I want the wind in my hair and sun on my face! Thank you - all of you - even those who don't reply - everyones life that is posted here continues to help me see what I denied before.

I'm going to set up a web page to post pictures of my vacation. Both hotels we are staying at have data ports, I'll take the laptop and my camera's and try to keep it up to date. I'll let you know the address when I get it set!!

Hugs to you all - a million thanks for "tolerating" me!!

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:53am
Just a fair warning,,,you may wish to stop in Hershey Pa on the way home! LOL,,It is a very addicting town, the air smells of chocolate, the theme park from what I hear is one of the best in the country. So you may want to get to Camp Jeep first,, and then if you just happen to get lost for a couple days in Hershey,,well it will just make it sweeter! Puns intended!:)

Don't ever think of us "tolerating you". All of us here have had to make the choice you are getting ready for, or are in the middle of it or are just starting to plan. We are a family in here, good bad or indifferent, we are a community of one! Not all of us will agree or see eye to eye, but we are here for each other just the same.

Start putting yourself first Pam, let you be the first of the day you say "I Love You" too. Happiness is coming your way, grab it, let it bring the freedom of thought and body to do with your life as you wish.

Happy time at camp, and sweet times in Hershey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: ples62
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 8:36am
Oh, Pam...I hope you are still reading this thread! Everything that you wrote, I could *relate* to you...esp. about your married friend (more on that later). I'm not out yet, and sometimes, I think I'll never get there. I haven't been posting much because, frankly, I really don't know what to say. I'm stuck---caught between a rock and a hard place, but my gut says that its just not the right time...not yet, but its coming.

I'm about to start my new job on June 14th...that is stressful enough, but add to that the traveling. I will be away for 3 weeks in July (in Fla) and then a week at the end of August in San Diego. Filing NOW would give my h reason to strut into Family court and leverage sole custody due to traveling. My 16 year dd is becoming more problematic. Two weeks ago she blantantly disregarded the rules---tried to pull one of those "I'm sleeping over my friends" but really am taking off somewhere else routines. I busted her big time...and as a result, grounded her. It was a "big" thing in our house and I wrote up a "behavioral contract" indicating the consequences of her decision (no phone or IM for a week, no going out for a week, no sleep overs for the summer). The worst part was that she met up with the controlling ex-boyfriend, who now has a license and car, and she went driving with him. (egads!). Her response to being punished? She took a fistful of Motrin....but told us 2 days later. So, then I had to take her to the local Co. Medical center for an emergency Psych eval to determine her lethality and need for further evaluation. Luckily, the psychiatrist said "no hospital, no meds...and KEEP up with the behavioral contract and consequences". Apparently, it was "impulse decision" and NOT a suicidal ideation, so we have to bump up her therapy appts again to about 1x a week. And she is still moping around the house....though while at the Med Ctr she seemed a little nervous (and to be honest, I hope she DID get scared...and I was prepared to leave her there....whatever it takes to make her better).

So, for the past week...I've been bawling my eyes out wondering....is my daughter the canary in the birdcage, measuring the level of stress in the house? Oh, and btw, the h has been really good during this time! He is keeping up with his "contract" that I had him sign...he has been calm, patient, understanding. I know this probably won't last, but I am taking FULL advantage of it. I go to my support groups without a hassle....I live MY LIFE without a hassle. BUT he also knows that I have a lawyer in the wings. But how can I file right now with my job and a teenager who is going who knows where? Will filing now amplify her behavior or calm her down? No one knows for sure. But this I know--I do not "love" my husband...and there is NOTHING that will ever change my mind. There are qualities I have come to love about him...but I WILL NOT spend the rest of my life with him--too much water has passed under the bridge for me to ever let go of...and I won't be able to fully let go until we are apart.

As for your married friend....you probably remember some of my story, but if not: almost 3 years ago, I met a married man, too, and we became "friends", though there was always a underlying attraction/chemistry. He is about 15 years older than me...and when I first met him, I found him very UNattractive and quite frankly, old. However, while on a conference in San Francisco, we got to talking and walking around the city...and boom! I fell for the guy like a ton of bricks just hit me. In my head, I wanted an "affair" with this man but he was straight forward and said "no affair!" so I waited to see if he would come around...but in the mean time, we developed a very emotional affair. But it was more MY thing than his. We danced around this for 2.5 years, again more my struggle then his, since he was relatively happy where he was at; more like he was at peace with his situation. In January, I decided that our friendship was no longer possible because of ME...I had too many issues to work through and I finally saw how much work I need to do on myself. We have had exchanged a few emails here and there...but more about factual stuff, not like before.

There has not been a day, since I met him on 8/15/01, where I have not thought about him. What I have come to see and believe is that my Higher Power placed him in my life for a reason. He came at at time that I was so low in my life. I believe it would have been extremely difficult for me to complete my studies....he was like my beacon of light in the fog--calling out to me and making me plug forward. He helped to remind me of ME...the things I loved and lost. I had entirely forgotten (!) how much I love to write poetry...and all of that came back to me. I learned that some men REALLY respect women, are introspective, reflective, supportive, and take ownership for their role in relationships and marriage. I learned that holding someone's hand can be the MOST sensual experience and it NOT lead to sex. I learned (on only ONE occasion) that sex is NOT about orgasm but that it can be the closest thing to a spiritual connection that one can come to, outside of death.

I learned that my relationship with him was initially a survival mechanism kicking in. I have also learned that to really love someone means to let go of them...and sometimes that means to have them out of your life. It was/is dysfunctional to think that any relationship will last forever. I have learned what a relatively good relationship can lead to....how with open communication and someone who actively works on their issues and recognizes them...can mean a LOT of happiness, but it does not take away the pain and lows of any relationship. I just read recently in some codependency stuff that when you meet someone whom you believe to be a 'soulmate' of sorts, to be VERY AWARE, that they are probably opening some very old wounds. And you know what? He did....my friend opened up some VERY OLD AND DEEP wounds of abandonment, needing validation, feelings of unworthiness and being unlovable. In this relationship, I've come to see on the one hand, how I continued to perpetuate victimizing myself by setting myself up to someone who was not truly emotionally available to me. But, yet, he gave me a standard to measure future relationships by--something to which I should strive for. I can easily say "I KNOW what I want"---it won't be the same as it was with him and I don't hold those expectations. I also recognize that before I ever THINK about another relationship that I have a LOT of unresolved stuff to figure out first.

There is an old buddhist saying that says "when the student is ready, the teacher will come". He was my teacher, taught his lesson, and moved on. He is forever cleaved upon my heart. But the lessons are sometimes hard to learn and to experience. I miss him much...and probably will for a long time, esp. since I am still with my h. The lessons I have learned and CONTINUE to learn are incredible, wonderful, beautiful...BUT it is VERY PAINFUL (very, very, very painful---and I do NOT recommend nor condone these type of relationships...because they become VERY TOXIC over time)

Maybe this friend of yours is a teacher of sorts. I firmly believe that EVERYONE comes into our life for a reason....to teach us some sort of lesson. You are exactly where you should be on your path of life. Each of us takes a different road to getting out of these relationships...and there is NO right or wrong way.

You are at the point of 'despair'...I really think that is one of the last stages before it gives that final push out....your survival mechanism will kick in and say "no more" of this. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. This is very difficult...esp. for us "old timers" who have been in these marriages long enough to have our former selves whittled away to almost nothing.

I know this post is long but I hoped if you have read it this far....it has helped. Much hugs to you, my friend. I get it.

dharma

Avatar for ples62
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 6:58pm
dharma - yep - still reading it. Thank you. A million times thank you to all of you. I don't know yet where my path is going. As for the guy at work, I really know not to hope for anything more from him, he is content where he is at. Yep, I think I could fall for him, but I also would never trust him - that is not good - he can go. I will continue to work with him, as of right now, I don't have a choice. I can't give up a $20/hr job. They aren't easy to come by.

So, I take each day, one at a time. I keep him physically at arms distance. I try to not think about what my husband will be saying or thinking because of what I choose to do. So much seems to be making sense to me.

It has taken a long time. I'm no where near being done yet. I know this.

Buff - I woke up this morning and thought of you and what you said - I looked in the mirror and said to my reflection - I like you. I like who you are. Each day I will start it like that. Perhaps sooner rather than later I'll start with telling that reflection that I love her and will treat her as I would want her to be treated.

I have worked non stop since Thursday between my 2 jobs. I gave a 3 week notice to job number 2 to take the summer off. I'm exhausted. I've used that job for 2 things - finances and time away from idiot husband. But my kids are suffering.

The call I got today was - my son needs to talk with me about my long hours at work because he isn't getting his homework done - I saw this as my husbands way of making me feel badly about being at work. See - I get it.

Thanks everyone - I love you all!!!

If I get time I'll come to chat in a few minutes.