controlling boyfriend? (very long)
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| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:57am |
we've have many upsetting conversations of things (mistakes) i've done in the past, even before we were together. he'd become upset at what i had done, even though nothing can be changed about it now. he especially gets upset about my ex boyfriend. he'll ask me all these questions about him. i used to go out and party every once in awhile, once i went to a club. if a dance or party song comes on the radio my boyfriend will ask if i heard it, when i heard it, if i heard it while i was at a party or club, who was i with, had i been drinking. he's said before that he won't go to the places i've lived because i had partied in that town, or i had been there with my ex-boyfriend, or i lived at that location while with my ex-bf. i feel so bad for things i've done in the past even before we met, even though i know i can't change things. i already feel bad for my mistakes but he brings them up over and over again and feel even worse about them. he has mistakes and i dont' bring them up because i know they're mistakes and we can't do anything about them. he's lied to me a couple of time while we were together, but i've forgiven him, because i love him and they were mistakes. i assume the same thing from him. even though i've never lied to him.
another thing is i've lost many friends while we've been together. i have not talked to my best friend in many months because he does not like her, even though he's never met her before. he would get upset if i emailed her. i don't have any friends from college anymore either.
my boyfriend and i have also had discussions about me wearing certain clothes. i can't where shirts that if i bend over you see a sliver of my chest, or a shirt that's even real low down on my neck. although he is getting better at this. before he would tug down my shirt so it wouldn't show a piece of my lower back. he still pulls up my shirts if it shows to much of my collarbone/chest. if i'm wearing a sweater with a zipper and a tank top underneath he will zip the sweater all the way up. i won't dare where a skirt above my knees or shorts. and i won't where make-up either. he belives that if i where any shirts to low or even a shirt that is a tiny bit above my waistline on my pants, that i'm trying to attract other guys or show myself off, which i'm not. i buy clothes because i like them/feel good in them. same with makeup, he thinks that i where make up to attract guys and make me look at them.
i have a cat, and he will get jealous if i pet him too much. he's getting better at this though.
my boyfriend had a really bad childhood, his parents weren't much parents at all, they may have been loving, but not attentive at all. he dropped out of high school in 11th grade, and got his GED (and got very good scores, he's really quite smart and talented with music and art) however, he can't hold a steady job. he's had three jobs, the shortest job being only for one day, then longest being three months. i basically support him. i use money i earned from the job i had, the money my parents were saving for school, and the credit card i'm only supposed to use for emergencies and food. i can't say no to him if he wants something. and he constantly ask for something. for instance i had to buy some shirts for my little sister, and i bought myself a few. and he wanted to know why he couldn't get anything. while in the last month he's gotten plenty of things that i paid for. and i had only gotten a few things because it was my birthday. he just recently ordered something online which hasn't arrived yet, and yet he's already asked me if he could get something else. i feel so bad if i say no, he'll get really dissapointed and upset. and most times i can handle that, i feel so bad. i feel bad if i want to read a book when he wants to watch a movie, so i'll watch a movie that i don't want to watch. i just now started asking if i could do something, if i don't want to do what he wants to do.
anyway, there is more, but i can't think of anything. and i'm a bit overwhelmed at how much i wrote. i even feel bad for this, i feel like i'm betraying him. i'm too scared to mention any of this to him, in fear of him being upset or mad. i'm just looking for any suggestions on what to do, opinions of whether he is controlling/abusive, or comments, support, or anything anyone has to offer. thank you so much.
christy

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well, i do happen to have something to say about him.
get rid of him NOW.
if you don't leave him for good, as soon as possible, your life will become a living hell and every day you are with him you will become more and more of a shell of the woman you once were.
i'm not kidding.
I was convinced you should leave after reading the 2nd paragraph the rest just confirmed it. RUN.
Your past is your past and no matter what you did, you grew from your experiences. Grow from this one, read the resources here and become educated with what is happening. The guy couldn't finish high school, can't keep a job and watches your every move. Red flags all over.
Terry
I agree with the other posters. This may be blunt sounding and straight forward - but trust me, it is easier to run now than in 20 years.
As I read your post, I realized that my husband of 24 years did many of the things that you described. I kept getting this funny feeling about them, but couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. You see, 24 years ago, emotional abuse wasn't talked about.
Scroll down - read my post titled "overwhelmed" - that could easily be you in another 20 years if you don't take the time now to read and learn and figure out that YOU DESERVE BETTER!! YOU CAN HAVE BETTER!
Don't let his few moments of 'niceness' fool you into tolerating the evil!
Check out the home page, read on the web - all that you can. Learn about emotional abuse. You will see - especially as you have begun to wonder about it already.
hang in there, come back here and post and vent - you will get tons of support
ples
Echoing the same sentiments as my fellow sisters: RUN! Do not even stop to think about it.
I'd also like to add that you should start to examine WHY you were attracted to him in the first place....You are young and it could just be a youthful mistake at choosing the wrong type of guy. But many times, women who pick a bad apple sometimes develop the habit of continually picking bad apples because of their own baggage. Look at your baggage and make sure you are not going to continually pick these type of men.
And honey, you will NOT change who he is.....what you see is what you'll get. And trust me, trust ALL OF US HERE, it will only get worse with time!
big hugs
dharma
christy
it is important that you leave him.
if you're not strong enough, get strong.
stop being "scared and upset" and start standing on your own two feet.
if you don't, you will hate yourself later. hating yourself is worse than how he treats you. every time he makes you feel bad you'll feel a twinge of disapointment in yourself.. and that will make it so that when he is nice to you it will feel ever better because you're already beaten down. the good can't ever be that good because somewhere inside you'll know what's coming, eventually - another bad feeling... really bad, maybe.
that's the cycle with these guys. it's common.
you do not want to be the woman everyone feels sorry for. "gosh, he treats her like sh*t... poor woman..."
for god's sake get rid of this loser!
what will happen if you do is that your self esteem will rise immeasurably. you will know that you know how to stick up for yourself and that you're a grown woman with integrity and self-respect. you won't get any of that from a man - and certainly not from a man who treats you poorly or strangles you with "love".
really, honey, it's not hard... it feels hard at the time because it's a huge hassle and a total change in plans... but you just do it because you know it is right. you set your mind to doing it and you make it freakin' happen. you don't look back, you don't take bullsh*t and you do what you gotta do.
please please please don't stay with him.
being scared to be on your own without him isn't the worst thing that could ever happen to you...
honey, he's not a puppy dog that you can love until it learns how to behave... this is a grown man who has good qualities sometimes and really bad ones at others. it's the bad ones that will destroy you. they won't just "bug" you, they will destroy you.
now, i dont' want to just talk about all the bad things that will happen if you stay... let me tell you what will happen to you when you leave...
ok, you'll leave... you get your ducks in a row and you break up with this person and this is what will happen.
1. people will respect the heck out of you in a very sincere way. you chose to leave a bad situation and make better for yourself -- all women envy that. heck, most men can't, either. there is nothing better than being able to say, "what a jerk he was, i'm so glad i left"...
2. you will forge a path that you will be proud of for the rest of your life.
3. you'll go to school, make all kinds of friends and do cool things and you won't ever have to feel bad by the hand of someone who claims to love you.
the benefits are incredible!
i know this for a fact, girlie. please don't discount the opinions of the women here... benefit from the wisdom. just take it on face value and trust us that we know what we're talking about.
always, always know that there are good people and bad people for us out there... we can't be afraid to ditch the bad... bad people aren't all bad, of course, but when we're feeling like crap at the hands of another, it's time for that person to hit the road and not come back.
your life is not about struggling against love, it's about flowing with it. the kind of relationship you have with this guy doesnt' flow... with another type of guy it will, but it isn't this one.
listen, there are two kinds of women, i figure. there are women who get so freakin fed up that they make changes. and there are women who live a life of quite melancholy and pain because they didn't make the changes.
you have people around you to help. you have a place to live. you can go to school, DO IT! the only barrier to doing this is your own mind.
in 1934 in the middle of the depression, my great aunt left her husband in chicago and she left for san francisco. she took the kids and she left. i used to ask why Aunt Mary did that... my grandmother told me it was because he wasn't nice to her... so when it came time for me to make a similar decision, i knew i could because it had been done before.
honey, some men are just "like that"... they don't get it, they never will even though they might even cry to us to convince us they can... but see, not putting up with crap doesn't mean we learn to deal with it or that we fight against it or that we have "talks" about it. it's action. it's having the cajones to walk out that door and slam it behind us - hehe, that's a really good feeling, by the way.
get your attitude back, girlfriend! don't take this sh*t from him!
when men aren't nice to us, we leave and find one who is. men are everywhere! we don't need duds in our lives :O)
all my love, sweetheart... i know you'll do the right thing. i'll be thinking of you.
one day you'll be saying, "damn, it was so cool that i did that!"
:)
• Poverty and the stress of having to count every penny and take care of all of the finances. He'll be angry when you have to say, "sorry, the checking account is empty." There will be absolutely no financial advantage that most married couples have, because you will be carrying him the entire way, like it or not.
• If you do manage to ever buy a house, it will be a constant state of disrepair. The man who can't keep a job certainly can't be bothered with things like painting walls or repairing things.
• Being his mother. If you want him to help with anything around the house, you will have to beg and plead with him to do it, even if you are working and he is home all day.
• Going back to work six weeks, or less, after having a baby. I can guarantee there will be no discussion or choice about whether or not you can spend six months or a year home with your child. He'll make that choice for you.
• Telling your children "sorry, you can't _________ (fill in the blank)" Either because your work schedule won't allow you to run your kids around (believe me, he won't do it) or you are took broke, your kids will miss out on things like sports, camps, music lessons, trips, etc.
In addition, all of the things you are dealing with now will get worse, even if he never hits you. He will accuse you of cheating. He will ruin the things you love. He will call you names. He will refuse to participate in conversations.
You have a golden opportunity to get away before you are so entangled that leaving becomes a Herculean task.You may assume that both of you are young and will grow up. You will. He won't. And he'll pour his heart out about his bad childhood, and you will feel sorrow for that child that he was and believe that somehow in talking to you about it, that will erase the dysfunction that is written on his brain. It won't. What it will do is make you feel worse about leaving later. What it will do is scar any children you may have. What it will do is give him an excuse for his behavior.
You do not want this life. You cannot save him. You may hear people here talk about a book by Lundy Bancroft. Good book. You should read it. But I think he missed a "type" of abusive man in there: The Leech. That's what you are dealing with, my dear. His dependence on you for income and understanding and support may feel like you are in control of your own life, but it's just the anesthetic designed to distract you from the fact that he is sucking every bit of happiness and potential that you have.
Please get out while you can.
the point that all of us are trying to say is that we've all seen it before, that's why we know he's a dud to be ditched.
what i'm going to do is re-post your original post and address each concern you have and i will validate your concerns... because you are a very bright woman to have picked up on all this so soon... i think that's excellent, christy.
i'm really proud of you that you can see this behavior and know inside that something isn't right about it. you know this because your instincts are telling you.
so let me address your post. perhaps this will help take the emotion out of your decision. let's face it, breaking up is a total pain in the butt... even when the guy deserves it - hehee...
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what he's doing by grilling you about your life before him and passing judgment and making you feel guilty and making you feel like sh*t because you were even ALIVE before he came along... it's none of his business to know every single detail of everything you've ever felt, done, seen or experienced. if you suck so much, why did he like you in the first place? get it? it doesn't make sense. he turns them into "mistakes" and berates you for your experiences and life because if he can wear you down enough, you will eventually feel worthless and he really won't have to respect you then.
this is about your personal privacy as a woman, as well. there ain't no guy alive who will ever hear details about my past sex life or everything i've ever done with another man... it's MY life and as a human being and a woman, i reserve the right to maintain the level of privacy i need. your boyfriend, by criticizing you for even having a boyfriend before him is showing extreme jealousy.
you can never win against jealousy like this. why? because it's irrational. the reason you're weirded out by all this is because of that -- it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. what kind of insane drive makes him demand to know every detail about a former boyfriend? i mean, everyone usually wants to know why you and somebody broke up, how long you dated, etc... but your bf is doing it not out of curiosity...
so he asks these things. you tell him the truth because you're a truthful girl... then he uses it against you? to judge you? to insult you? WTF??
to make you feel bad about having lived a life and learned things before him?
he wants to make you feel bad so he can make himself feel better and so you will overlook his incredibly blinding flaws. cuz he's got 'em, darlin.
so he'll ask this stuff and he probably won't have a problem with it at the time... cuz he's gonna be nice about trying to find out... then when the moment suits him or perhaps he's worked himself up inside, you'll hear about it.
maybe he'll tell you how awful it is for him to have visions of you with another man. maybe he'll want to put you down so you'll try to defend yourself... ultimately trying to "prove" to him that you're not as bad as he makes you sound...
maybe he'll make you feel like such sh*t that you'll do anything to make it stop so he will just drop it. so you can be happy again.
this kind of happiness with a man is elusive. it's a happiness out of relief that bad stuff isn't happening, it's not true blue.
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classic. a man who really cares for your well-being would not make a huge deal about you keeping in touch with anyone you're friends with. he probably puts them down and judges them, too... he probably made it real awkward to keep in touch with friends because he always seemed to have a problem with it...
it's important to have friends, honey. it really is. i can't say more about this except that isolating you from those you care for is mean. think about it, what kind of human being wouldn't appreciate that others think you have good qualities and that other people care for you? that you're worth being a friend to? why can't other people like you?
you know why? because he knows the people who care for you would tell you to get rid of him because of how he treats you. and they all probably would knowing what you're going through. don't ever let a man tell you can't have friends.
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he wants you to feel ugly so no one else wants you.
if you stay with him, you'll start wearing dowdy clothes and letting yourself go. you'll end up dressing poorly so, god forbid, no one will have any interest in talking to you, male or female.
then he can make it clear to you that he's the only person who finds you beautiful.
eventually, your face will start looking different. you won't be bubbly, you won't have a cheerful disposition. reason is because you don't want to attract any attention AT ALL because god-forbid he ask you about it and show disapproval...
yeah, cuz if you even dress up a little bit without his express approval, you're *obviously* trying to get male attention. then before you know it, he'll be accusing you of blowing some random guy in the parking lot because he helped you with your groceries one day...
do you see what i'm saying here? don't let him make you ugly.
i'm going to start another post to continue this long-winded explanation...
ACK!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
CL-Blueliner4
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