Thx christ, bawit and others(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thx christ, bawit and others(long)
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 3:58am
I have been away for about a month, I read your post christi and your reply bawit and I couldn't agree more. Christi please get out now while you can - You are so young and yet you really helped open my eyes. I came to this board a month ago not sure if I was in an abusive relationship and I discovered that abuse is not black and white, it's not just physical, that it can actually be sugar coated to the point that you question your own instincts. your own beliefs and your own sanity. Coming to this board I started to think about what I thought love should be - love should be (the old cliche) never having to say your sorry or haveing someone say I am sorry to you. When I love some one,it is unconditional and yet for some crasy reason the men in my life have always loved me if I looked the way they wanted , or did what they wanted or ect...

I have tried to leave my husband several times - he has never been physical with me but he is very controling and plays mind games. over the 20 years we have been together there were so many red flags- I wish I had know about this web site back then it might have saved me from a few years of torment.

Big flag # 1

I got pregnant when we were living together he told me I had to move out because we were living with his brother at the time and it wouldn't be fair to his brother to have a baby around. - He said I got pregnant on purpose to try and trap him.

he did't tell his parents about our child until our child was almost 2. When we did get married (our son was 4) he became posessive and jealous(never was before)I have always beleived in fidelity and have never done anything out of line.

Big flag # 2

We tried for child # 2 for 2 years when we final got lucky - I signed up for childbirth classes so that he could go through it with me(since he missed the first kid's) he went to one class. my friend and god mother to my second child went to the rest with me-when Iwas in the hospital right after having our second child he asked me if it was okay if he went to a concert - so the next day i am in the hospital alone and trying to nurse our child and he is at a concert ( back then they wanted you to stay at least 48 hours even tho I was fine the baby was fine and I wanted to go home)

Big flag # 3 (yes I am dense) I am in labor with our 3rd and final child and find a letter he ghas written to another woman and find out about his affair. I come back from the hospital with our new baby and confrount him and he tells me that he is afraid I will turn out like my mother (she is overweight,smokes,and doesn't take care of herself) and that physical appearance is very important to him but he love me and wants to make it work.

Big flag # 4 (as if the others wern't enough- is wern't a word?) We owned our own business - I had an idea for a different buisnes that I had been telling him about for months and he kept shooting me down - his brother moves to the same town we lived in we were all talking about how to make a living I suggest my idea - his brother loves it - we start to formilate it it comes time to create structure - I want to be an equal partner - they say no - I am told by my husband that his brother discussed it with his other brother (a laywer)and that when it comes to owning a buisness that husband and wife are concidered one not 2 seperate partners. I disagreed but had a small child tugging at me and 2 other kids as well as a huge lack of self estem after flag # 3 so I said fine the I won't be thier secrtararyand ect. any more(yes I pouted and took my ball and bat and went home)

Are you ready? (can you believe it?) # 5 my husband and his brother started the busness I thought up. my husband asked me to run the buisness we already had going(while trying to raise 3 kids and no help from him let alone any help with house work, yard work ect.)I was so hurt by his physical apperance comment I worked hard at losing weght(not that I was majorly over weight to begin with)the new buisness was located close to our original one he began to watch me with binoculars - he would call me on the phone and let me know he was watching me. - I had a really scary guy stalk me at our buisness I would tell my husband how this guy made me fel uncomfortable and he would respond as if I was imagining things it wasn't until I told him about a time when a customer made a coment to me about how scary the guy was - so much so that she had been afraid to come back, until she saw him leave and then shortly after that the guy followed me as I got off work and went to my husband buisness (the guy didn;t know it was my husbands buisness) I told my husband and his brother thatv the guy was following me and I went straight to the bathroom they both told him to leave me alone or they woulg call the police.

# 6 I find pics of the gal my husband had a thing with and try and leave - the car breacks down(we only had one and it didn't run well) he catches up in his brothers truck and askes to work things out but also lets me know that he had called the sherfifs department and that they were looking for me because I had taken the kids (Ihad left a note saying I was going to stay with my sister in another state)

I know this is really long sorry -Christi - you know what the really scary part about my story is? it is that this all happened over 6 years ago - and there is more I could tell you and others out there. bawit - you hit the nail on the head girlfriend thank you for your responce to christi I have been trying to gewt to this point for years I have been afraid, afraid of being called names, of the threats to take my children away, of being blamed for his bad day or misfortune - why am I still here? - because at one time I truly loved this man and we have 3 kids, and, life isn't always perfect, and you have to work hard to get things that really matter and I belive in marrage, and so on and so on and I am not a quiter - but one thing this board and bawit has helped me see is that changing direction is not quiting. I am going to go see a lawyer this week while my H is out of town - even if his dad is ill, I can't put my life on hold for him any more wish me luck - I'll keep you posted if no, make that when I can. -n christi and others run with me an help me run with you

Hugs to all my sisters and thx for the help and support.

LJ

traveler_43