been awhile and confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
been awhile and confused....
1
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:23pm
a couple of weeks ago we had a very intense conversation. i laid everything out on the line to him. i covered pretty much ALL of what was going on with my mind and "us" as a married couple. i told him of how i felt like sex was an obligation or a payback because you were being "nice". explained to him i dont want sex anymore with you, i dont want to f*^&% anymore. i explained of how trapped i feel about the money. he was very hurt and couldnt beleive everything i was telling him. funny thing is i have been telling him for at least 3 years now we have problems, serious problems. he felt "we" can fix this by ourselves, all i have to do is tell him what hurts him and he can change it. well cant do that because he wont accept and take full responsability when HE is wrong. he wants to give me an account all by myself without his name on the account. he said i could add to it whenver i wanted. he said he would add to it too. he feels that would help me. he explained to me i just dont understand a budget....i am a very simple person that does not need much. i dont buy myself new clothes, i dotn wear makeup. i really dont do all that much for myself but when i want to do something i go through HELL and of course he denies it.

last night i was sitting in the garage for at least 15 minutes and he came out and was sitting with me. finaly i was ready to go to bed. i got up and he asked me if i was going to bed. said yes. i came in a laid down - he says well i sorta wanna talk and i am not sure if ds is asleep yet. he started talking - he brought up the conversation we had a few weeks ago. he said i hurt him badly. than he started agreeing with some of the stuff i had said to him, of course the sex part is what hurt him the most and he wouldnt let this drop. i just listened. i kept an opened mind honest i did. he said he has been talking to someone who is sorta like a theropist, didnt realy ask much about it. i asked him (after i listened i really did) why do you treat me so differently when you want sex. he told me this is a natural behaviour, sorta like a courtship. i said natural behaviour? i said no its not. he kept insisting about this. he wanted to know if i am fulfilling my own needs (sexually) i did not answer. he kept insisting that he has no secrets, he has nothing to hide, i took it as insinuating i lie all the time. i asked him why after 3 years of telling you we have a serious problem with our marriage only now you realizes it. he says he's not sure. i explained to him the night he brought cocaine into this house is the day everything changed. he once again was defending himself and said i lied about it because you overreacted, i made a mistake at a very weak moment. i tried to explain to hm that yoiu did this after i have told you about the night you raped me. he got really defensive here and said i would never ever do that to anyone, i said well you did. he once again said i just mis-interpreted it. he asked me if i said no that night, i said no i didnt but maybe the tears in my eyes should have given it away. he said i did not see them, i said i know you didnt because you were worried about your own needs. i was really getting upset here and i said we are done with the conversation, we are going in circles your not going to see it my way and i am not going to see it your way. he kept pushing it. i got out of bed and tried to get away from "it". he followed me. he asked me where i was going i said away from you.....he wouldnt leave me alone. he brought it up again i said this conversation is over. i sat in the garage and at this point just started blocking out what he was saying to me. you see this is something i have worked very hard at doing, i would dissaccociate severely when we would have conversation and i could not tell you what he said. NOW i have learned, and trust me it was very difficult for me, to hear the words that he would say, remember the facts, forget the feelings. i have worked very hard on this and it is paying off but at times such as this when i have told him to leave me alone, i have told him i dont want to talk about this anymore and he still pushes the issue. he tells me i am running from my problems. he brought counseling and said i still beleive we could do without it but if you want to we can. he doesnt get it at all. i can tell you he is trying, he has been very "nice" he is doing things he has never done before to me. he has left little "love" notes, bought me some flowers to plant but i still cant help but wander ok....once we have sex its right back to the normal. i am very confused once again with where "we" are at. he explained to me he's 48 yo and this is his life. he's "too old" to start over again. this has been an issue for years btw for him. age has never been a problem for me as of yet. why now does he realize how serious i am? because there's not sex now?

this past weekend i had another belt test and i was flying high with pride (NOTHING ELSE) because i did an awsome job was complimented by my master and he does not compliment too often. i did GOOD. he did not see this or maybe he did an did not like it the fact that i felt good about this, i did this by MYSELF with absolutely NO support from him or anyone that should!!! he sorta went on about his knee. i really felt good about this, i swore he insisted on this conversation just to shoot me down again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:48pm

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BELT!!!

CL-Blueliner4