Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Need some advice
5
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:01pm
I posted this on another one of the boards here and got some good advice. Then I found this board and after reading some otehr posts I realized that this probable more od where I should have posted. I didn't want to admit it but it is probably true. When I thought of domestic abuse, I just thought about the physical aspects and that wasn't occuring but the mental aspect is just as bad.

I have been married for almost 3 years and things are progressively getting worse. We both work but I am the one that does all the house work. We have an apt that is quite crowded and my dh says it is stupid to clean because u have to pick stuff up to vacuum and then put it right back down again. He refuses to dust and good forbid he find the kitchen sink. We are both guilty of not putting stuff away but I do try to keep tings orderly and at least once a week I will straighten up. He openly admits that he would never clean up with me telling him to but he complains that I nag him to clean. I know he was raised that the husband doesn't have to lift a finger but it is the 21st. He wants to buy a house but I am refusing until he shows me that he can help me with the apt. And every house he looks at is about $50,000 out of our price range according to my figuring. He does not touch the finances but thinks he knows all.

We argue all of the time and he makes me feel horrible and puts the blame on me for everything. Alot of the time I just end up being so upset.

Lately we have been battling because he wants sex all the time (I lost about 50 pounds and now i am the sexy person in the world - accrding to him). He wants it everyday and does not care if I am not in the mood. He expects me to still be intimate with him after battling all day. Even if I keep telling him no, he will keep hounding me until I give in. (I have a history of emtionally abusive relationships and sometimes feel that I am not worth the fight and that he can do what he wants). He is into trying all this kinky stuff and that is not my style - he says he wants to keep things interesting.

He is also making snides remarks about spending time with my "boyfriend". This is actually just a guy who we have both been friends with for 10+ years. He is a good listener and tries to help me sort out what is going on. There is nothing more between us. My dh does not believe that a guy and a girl can be just friends. This friend and a mutal friend try to talk to him and tell him things that would improve our relationship and he refuses to listen. He says that they do not know what they are talking about because they aren't married and haven't had girlfriends. Most of the stuff they are telling him is just to treat me like a human being.

I feel like there is something really wrong with my marriage and we need to work on things to fix it. My dh does not see that there is a problem at all. My friends are all telling me that I need to do something and to stop giving in to him. It is so hard. I need some advice on what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:28pm

Hi Scooby and welcome -


Unfortunately, you are (were) part of a vast majority of people who do not think that abuse is anything but broken bones and black eyes.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:22pm
Thank you for responding. It means so much to me to know that I have come to the right place. I am only 25 and feel that alot of people do not take the problems seriously. I am usually told that I am so young, I will find someway to work everything out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:01pm

Hey, I'm only 30, and I found my way here at 28 (and BTW, we seem to be getting a flood of 20-somethings, we've had at least three or four over the course of several days).

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:42am
I sat him down the other night. We went to a fountain in a city park and we talked for a while. I figured if I did it some place public, it wouldn't end up being screaming match like every other time I try to bring the subject up. I told him that I feel like there are alot of things going wrong in our relationship. We both acknowledged that we can be major pains in the butts at times. Then we discussed the whole cleaning thing. He says that he doesn't like to clean because afterwords it doesn't look like anything was done. Yet he will acknowldge when he comes home and I have cleaned up... so obviously it makes a difference. We got in a small tiff over the whole buying a house thing. Honestly at this point in time, I don't feel that our marriage is strong enough or healthy enough to be buying a house.

I told him that I feel like the only way that he thinks I love him is to have sex with him. He said was about 95% right. That really hurt me emtionally. I told him that I feel like he only wants my body. He said that he is so attracted to me now (after losing 50 pounds) and that in 20 years he won't be interested in sex anymore. It is to the point now that I can't bring myself to work out because I don't want to make him want me more. As for the kinky stuff... he said he wanted to keep things interesting.

I told him that he was not fulfilling my emotional needs and without fulfilling those, he wasn't doing anything for me sexually. I told him from now on, he needed to fulfill my emtional needs before he even thought about fulfilling his sexual desires.

This conversation happened Tuesday... we haven't had sex since. Wednesday we pretty much avoided each other. Thursday and Friday and did some cuddling but really haven't made any head way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:28pm
Hi Scooby, I'm so glad to see you found your way here. I posted a reply on the other board but, I agree with you - you belong here.

The park was a great idea. Going for a change of scenery to be more relaxed and creative. It's better to talk about sex outside the bedroom anyway. My bf and I go for walks in the woods and talk about all kinds of things. We talk about things we can do for each other, using our various areas of skill and abilities. We talk about parenting techniques for my boys(although I am the final say) We talk about each other's happiness and a *kind* version of 'dos and don'ts', more of a 'I wish you wouldn't'. It's important to me that he's happy AND it's important to *him* that *I* am happy. We talk about teamwork to accomplish shared goals for the future. For me and my bf, it is exciting to talk about these things. Not that we never fight but, we are BOTH learning how to improve on that.



These walks and talks have only meant great things for us and our growth, as individuals and as a couple.

That is what you are dreaming about having with your H but, that's not why you chose the park. "I figured if I did it some place public, it wouldn't end up being screaming match like every other time I try to bring the subject up."

Ah, the screaming matches. How often do you walk away from one of those screaming matches shaking your head because you can't figure out what just happened? It should have been a calm, happy conversation or a simple question and BOOM! It can be very frightening at times. In the end, somehow you are defending yourself and apologizing for, well, you're not really sure what it is you did that was wrong but, you definitely are walking away with the blame and he original topic is long gone.

"I figured if I did it some place public, it wouldn't end up being screaming match like every other time I try to bring the subject up." What subject? I'm guessing you often end up with the same result when attempting a conversation having to do with him changing his treatment of you or him putting forth effort or sacrifice of somekind?

I married a guy quite a bit like your H. He was an abuser(still is). I know, the label 'Abuser' is a tough one for you to put on your H because it means you are a 'victim of abuse' and that is one hard pill to swallow. But, know this; he is the one with the problem, not you. No one deserves to be a victim. It only takes a split second to change from victim to survivor, in your heart. It's also really hard to put on the label because you'll have to grieve the loss of your dream of what you thought your future was going to be.

You can't have a healthy relationship with an abuser. It's a complete power imbalance perpetrated by them, for their personal benefit. They believe they are entitled to having you spend your life making their life better for them.



I can't believe it myself sometimes but, I really am in a relationship now with a man who wants a healthy relationship too. By learning all I can about abuse, I can tell you the difference between healthy and abusive. Abuse is not a set of behaviours. It's a mind set and an adopted, dysfunctional value system. Abusers rarely, if ever, change because they see nothing wrong in using any and all tactics to get their needs, wants and whims catered to by others, oblivious of the cost to the other. In fact, when we do not go along with their desires they really, honestly believe that *we* are wronging *them*! You already see that from him, don't you? That he believes you 'owe' him?



Neither of you has metioned the talk since the talk occured, or the resulting mutually agreed upon plan for change? Was there a concrete plan for change in each area? There's no sex. Who decided that? Is he caring for your emotional needs as you asked him to do in order for you to feel giving in the sexual area? Or has he just decided not put the effort into that, go with out sex and blame you? Have you talked about ideas for change in the areas of money and housework? Any stratagies decided on to solve that delema? It seems you made your point but you don't speak of any resolutions.

Problem solving has basic steps:

1)Identify the problem.

2)Come up with many possible solutions as possible, no matter how seemingly absurd.

3)Pick one and try it for a predetermined period of time.

4)Asses the results. If good, carry on. If the problem still exists, go back to step #2. Repeat as necessary.

You believe you've taken care of the first step. You still need to get going on the second. I hate to be a pessemist but, I've BTDT. He's thinking that there's no real problem and now that you've had your little bitch session, he'll lay low until you 'get over your snit' and things can go back to the way they were.

It breaks my heart to hear you contemplating letting your health deteriorate to avoid being desirable. That is not the normal actions of a woman married to a loving man.

Now that you are here at this board, go to the home page and become informed. Read other's posts. Keep posting, we'll tell you the truth about what you are up against and we'll support you in whatever decisions you make for yourself. There is a better life for you. As you said yourself, "Most of the stuff they are telling him is just to treat me like a human being." and he's not interested in listening to that. You are a human being. You are wasting your energy and breath trying to convince him of that though.

You deserve far better than this, everyone does.

Keep looking up^, Susan.