I Need Some More Hand Holding ...please
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I Need Some More Hand Holding ...please
| Fri, 06-11-2004 - 6:23am |
Ok girls a little wisdom please.....its long .....
The situation is H has moved out to a mate's happen last week so the night he moved out the roof start leaking really badly ok so he fixes it and then goes but he couldn't do that much because it was night...so I agree for him to come back the next day and I would go out with the girls while he did it..it was a public holiday and insurance wheren't goin to help much and we had more storm weather coming. So all goes well except he is helping a mate move a palm tree all day (it was a huge one) and night falls. So he comes and has another go at fixing in the dark everything still ok then I was in a bind for babysitter to watch the girls after school the next day, he's not working and he was being great so I aggree for him to see them that avo and he goes when I get home. He rings from work and tells me the downpipe is rusted out inside the eve and needs replacing so he will do it no worries all is still well.....
He stays for dinner and then the awkwardness starts I want him to go but hate having to tell him infront of the kids (mum being the bad guy syndrome)so I get up to do dishes and he asks me if I want him to HELP now this is one of our long standing arguments the dishes, I believe that who ever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes and well he hates doing them so he doesn't.....I flip out because he used the word help as if its my duty and he is doing it for me when I cooked him dinner ...now if he had said 'do you want me to dry up' I proably would have said that would be nice etc anyway I got mad and just told him to go ....I then rang him about 20 mins later and appologised for being rude to him and getting so angry....aahhhhh
Ok so that incident out of the way the next couple of days goes smoothly we talk on the phone about arrangements (we are running our business together so we have to talk somewhat) and he is repecting my boundries he isn't playing any games. The arrangements where for him to come home for the weekend and I will stay at my mum's ( I work 50%of it)so all is good he comes over about 20 mins before I have to leave and we are just talking nothing too indepth he askes about my councelling session ( we have both started DV separate councelling)I say fine he then starts to tell me about how good it was for him and he made some goals etc etc he is keeping a journal (my suggestion)and then he starts going on about how well the councellor thinks he is doing really well and wants him to start group asap because he would be great!!what's up with that I mean he should be proud he is taking the wright steps but I have this very uneasy feeling that because he is going to councelling he thinks its all ok....then he tlls me that with the course he is doing that 80% of couples get back together .....uuuummmmmm excuse me why are they filling his head with that???? anyway he then asks me to come back after my shift tonight after the girls are asleep and we can talk.....I said 'no I wasn't ready maybe on Sunday afternoon we can get our neighbor to watch the kids and we can go for a coffee' cause I anin't doing it in the house that's for sure......so he goes back to talking about himself and says to me that this week his goal was to make himself a priority and look after himself ...hah whatever....then he wants me to read a letter he wrote to me I said not right now I have to go to work and I don't want to have all of that in my head and he turns around and says ...what like when you rang me yesterday and said you had come to a decision and you wanted to talk to me,I spent all day thinking it was over and wondering what you wanted to say and it was horrible...(Now I had said that but I had taken it back and told him I am not ready to make a decision yet) I admit it wasn't the smartest thing to say to him yesterday but I am really confused at the moment and that's my excuse...So in reply I tell him you know what ______I'm sorry for that but I have lived with that knot in my stomach of pain and wondering when the next time you where going to lash out at me and abuse me for 14 years so one day of discomfort does not compare! at that point I turned my hairdryer back on and told him I was not going to discuss this any further ....it continued and I told him that that is the exact behavior I am so upset about ....he told me was sorry he could'nt help it blah I am very sensative blah blah but he realises what he said is wrong and then he went outside with one of our girls.....I just got teary and left for work so now I sit and wonder is this me am I being too sensative I keep giving him chances to show he is changing but I just feel disappointed they are only small things like one word for goodness sake why does one word bring all this pain up why does one sentence that wasn't that bad hurt sooooo much
please tell me i'm not crazy please please please............
thanks M
The situation is H has moved out to a mate's happen last week so the night he moved out the roof start leaking really badly ok so he fixes it and then goes but he couldn't do that much because it was night...so I agree for him to come back the next day and I would go out with the girls while he did it..it was a public holiday and insurance wheren't goin to help much and we had more storm weather coming. So all goes well except he is helping a mate move a palm tree all day (it was a huge one) and night falls. So he comes and has another go at fixing in the dark everything still ok then I was in a bind for babysitter to watch the girls after school the next day, he's not working and he was being great so I aggree for him to see them that avo and he goes when I get home. He rings from work and tells me the downpipe is rusted out inside the eve and needs replacing so he will do it no worries all is still well.....
He stays for dinner and then the awkwardness starts I want him to go but hate having to tell him infront of the kids (mum being the bad guy syndrome)so I get up to do dishes and he asks me if I want him to HELP now this is one of our long standing arguments the dishes, I believe that who ever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes and well he hates doing them so he doesn't.....I flip out because he used the word help as if its my duty and he is doing it for me when I cooked him dinner ...now if he had said 'do you want me to dry up' I proably would have said that would be nice etc anyway I got mad and just told him to go ....I then rang him about 20 mins later and appologised for being rude to him and getting so angry....aahhhhh
Ok so that incident out of the way the next couple of days goes smoothly we talk on the phone about arrangements (we are running our business together so we have to talk somewhat) and he is repecting my boundries he isn't playing any games. The arrangements where for him to come home for the weekend and I will stay at my mum's ( I work 50%of it)so all is good he comes over about 20 mins before I have to leave and we are just talking nothing too indepth he askes about my councelling session ( we have both started DV separate councelling)I say fine he then starts to tell me about how good it was for him and he made some goals etc etc he is keeping a journal (my suggestion)and then he starts going on about how well the councellor thinks he is doing really well and wants him to start group asap because he would be great!!what's up with that I mean he should be proud he is taking the wright steps but I have this very uneasy feeling that because he is going to councelling he thinks its all ok....then he tlls me that with the course he is doing that 80% of couples get back together .....uuuummmmmm excuse me why are they filling his head with that???? anyway he then asks me to come back after my shift tonight after the girls are asleep and we can talk.....I said 'no I wasn't ready maybe on Sunday afternoon we can get our neighbor to watch the kids and we can go for a coffee' cause I anin't doing it in the house that's for sure......so he goes back to talking about himself and says to me that this week his goal was to make himself a priority and look after himself ...hah whatever....then he wants me to read a letter he wrote to me I said not right now I have to go to work and I don't want to have all of that in my head and he turns around and says ...what like when you rang me yesterday and said you had come to a decision and you wanted to talk to me,I spent all day thinking it was over and wondering what you wanted to say and it was horrible...(Now I had said that but I had taken it back and told him I am not ready to make a decision yet) I admit it wasn't the smartest thing to say to him yesterday but I am really confused at the moment and that's my excuse...So in reply I tell him you know what ______I'm sorry for that but I have lived with that knot in my stomach of pain and wondering when the next time you where going to lash out at me and abuse me for 14 years so one day of discomfort does not compare! at that point I turned my hairdryer back on and told him I was not going to discuss this any further ....it continued and I told him that that is the exact behavior I am so upset about ....he told me was sorry he could'nt help it blah I am very sensative blah blah but he realises what he said is wrong and then he went outside with one of our girls.....I just got teary and left for work so now I sit and wonder is this me am I being too sensative I keep giving him chances to show he is changing but I just feel disappointed they are only small things like one word for goodness sake why does one word bring all this pain up why does one sentence that wasn't that bad hurt sooooo much
please tell me i'm not crazy please please please............
thanks M

Do not talk about your counseling with him! What happens behind the door with your therapist is your business and no one elses. Him telling you what is happening in his counseling, which I doubt he's going to or listening to if he does go, is him trying to fill your head with all this "life will be wonderful, I'm getting so much better", but that is BS pure and simple. If he was seriously working on counseling to help himself, it would be getting into a program that he would be in for life, not a few sessions. The reason I seriously doubt he's even going is I know of no abuse counselor who tells patients that 60% of couples get back together, that's not the case.
You do need to make sure that you are actually seeing an abuse counselor and not a therapist who has handled a couple abuse cases. Getting the wrong information is worse than none at all.
He's setting you up hoping that you will believe the crap he's trying to sell you, hoping that you will take pity on him and let him back for another chance. If you do let him in, he will be sweet as pie for a while and then start the abuse again. The sad part is, the abuse will probably escalate because he knows his old ways weren't scaring you enough to keep you under his control. Abuse never lessens, it only gets worse.
Be careful, you're turning to a dangerous man to ask for help. If you need something done around the house, find someone else to do it. The more you let him around, the more likely he will get you back into his abuse.
No contact rule is the best, once he's out, NO CONTACT except for absolute necessities like the children. Going for coffee is only reinforcing him, it's doing nothing for you.
Hugs
It had never occurred to me that he wasn't going ...hmmmm I think he is but I think he is telling them one thing and me another ...he is a very smart man and he can run rings around most people!
This sucks so much I don't hate him even after everything that's happened I just don't its just not in my nature...the point being though I can't stand his behavior!!
It would be great if abuse was like a wart and they could just remove that gland and whhaala Mr Nice 24/7 heah hang on a minute a labotomy that might cure them
he he he I am actually smiling!! Thinking of doofus sitting in a chair with dribble running down his chin he he he I am so evil now that would teach him wouldn't it
hugs thanx again! M
Abuse will not ever go away by itself, it will never get better or be less severe. Abuse only escalates with time and too many of us sit back hoping it will go away and too to many, it costs them their lives.
You need to learn more about abuse for you, not him, not for the family, for you. You must learn how it works, it's dynamics, how it festers within a family until either we learn and leave or it takes our lives physically or emotionally. It kills our spirits and our will to live. Many times the mental abuse is far worse than the physical because we end up exsisting in a living death.
It's not for you to have to hate him to leave, please leave far before that ever happens.
It is not going to be easy even with how long you've been around him, but please understand you are dealing with something that you have no control over.
Focus on you, focus on your son growing up in a family of love, not abuse.
If you truely want revenge on him, then take the only course of revenge that is proven to work, get free of him and live a happy life with someone who loves you and your son. Live a life free of abuse, that is our one and only revenge that does not return to eat our souls alive.
Too many of us, women and men think that we only have one soulmate, one true love. Fact is, it is because too many of us are confining our lives and thoughts inside a small box made up of mislead ideals. Do not settle for this man who is blatently showing abuse. Seek healing for yourself, seek a happy life for you and your son free from this animals abuse. There are many in the world around you that would truely love you and your son, who would meet you halfway to make it all work. Don't fall into a trap of ease and letting someone else deal with this, you have to.
Even today, if you took your son and left, after seeking out healing for yourself you will be astonished at how much it has already affected your life.
Gentle hugs