Am I Wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Am I Wrong?
4
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 4:53pm
I moved out two weeks ago with my bed, dresser, some odds and ends and that's it. We had over $6,000 in a joint savings account that I did not touch. Since I decided to move out in mid-May, H has given me $1,050 plus grief. That was for my security deposit, 1/2 months rent in May, a vacuum sweeper, deposit on water hook-up, and a t.v. which would be for my daughter when she visits. I've been in my apartment since May 29. My daughter has stayed with me four times...last Saturday and all day Sunday, and then Wednesday, all day Thursday, and today and Saturday. I receive no money from H. I asked him to at least give $20 when daughter is with me to cover her small expenses like renting a dvd or treating her to fastfood, etc. I make $7/hr. He makes $22/hr. plus benefits. He said no problem but never gave me money.

Last night I went out to dinner with my daughter's friend's mother. She had helped me move. I wanted to repay her. My daughter wanted fast food, a dvd to rent, pay per view movie to rent, a cappachino and frosty. I said "no, I don't have the money". She said "Daddy gave you $1,050; what did you do with it?" When I asked him today for $20, he said "you didn't have any money but you went out to dinner and "a bar". (It's a very nice restaurant and we had a drink.) I told him but that was for me, that I don't make that much money, and I expected him to compensate me for when she stays with me. After all, she does take 1/2 hour showers at my place and I always have snack stuff for her, which I don't eat snack food.

Anyway, I felt he was trying to make me feel like I was wrong. Obviously, I'm questioning myself because I'm posting this; but I didn't feel guilty for going out to dinner with a friend and not buying my daughter EVERYTHING she wanted. I did rent the DVD for her and took her home some wings from the restaurant, which she didn't even eat!

He says it's all about me and the same old same old "I'm selfish and only think of myself." She said the same thing. I know she's learning from him. I realize that. But am I wrong? Should I have not asked for $20, bought her everything she wanted, and still took myself out to dinner and then just skrimped til payday? Since he has her more than I do, he feels he shouldn't have to pay me anything.

I at one point said I take things one day at a time. I do....but I know I am not going back to him. I will never live that controlling life again. And he's still trying to control me! Next week I'm going to a graduation party and I feel like I have to lie about it so neither one of them know I'm going because I'd have to listen to his comments about "are you having fun with your new friends". So I'll just lie to save peace, the story of my life. God, that's why I left him!!!!! And he's still doing it to me and she does it to me too. And I know, she's learning from him. Why doesn't she stay with me more often? He lives in the house with the yard and things to do, plus her and I battle big time. I just have the apartment, no yard, and she can't very well go outside to clean, country air.

Answers anybody?? Am I wrong?

Happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:50pm

Hey Happy -


This is completely typical, so it's not you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:08am

Hi makesmehappy…I’ve seen a lot of abusive men not pay child support until they are ordered to by the courts.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 3:01pm
Hi makesmehappy!!! I'm curious, how old is your daughter? It sounds like you'll have to go to court most likely, to work out a better arrangement. I think it's terrible how some kids pick and choose who they want to live with based on who has the best stuff or maybe who is the most permissive (i bet it's your x, it usually works that way.)My husband and stepdaughter do the same kind of thing, but i'm still married to him and live with them. We've had custody of stepdaughter for over ten years and the mother has never paid her $20 a month child support, and it's never been an issue because this girl has always had everything her heart desires, much more than most kids, even those better off than us. But now that she's turned 16 and wants a car, she wants her father to start proceedings (which he has done)to get her mom to pay child support and esp. all of the back support. She says that's her money and her mom owes it to her. She has no idea how much a car costs, she's very immature, at 16 she thinks and acts more like 12 maybe. Anyway,i helped her get a job at the place i used to work when she was little, but she blows all her money as soon as she gets it. She's out with my husband shopping right now as a matter of fact. I'm sure that the only reason for wanting the cs now is so she can have the nicest car possible when the time comes, but to me it doesn't make sense to go through all those years without it, and then when the child is older and even employed to start trying to get this woman who is a single mom of another much younger child to pay up. Not that it's not her responsibility, it's just the greed of the whole thing. Plus i think they should just call her and ask her first, instead of just hitting her with court papers. But anyway, i know where you're coming from, do you want your daughter to live with you, and if so, do you think you could get legal custody of her? I think if you had legal custody, you could get child support, and the way it is now, it sounds like your x and daughter are both benefitting at your expense. He doesn't have to pay support, and they can manipulate you and make you feel guilty if you don't do just as they please. It sounds like your daughter needs a bit more discipline instead of all those dvd's and movies. She would benefit from a stable homelife where she's not overexposed to her dad's manipulative and selfish ways, she needs to learn some responsibility and understand that you're not just there to dole out whatever she wants. The relationship goes both ways, she should respect you and not take advantage of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:09pm
Cshel:

My daughter is 14 and hasn't wanted for much. I've always given into her (my mistake) because I couldn't stand the whining or the way she would treat me if she was denied (dumb move on my part). She was still with me on Saturday and we had a decent talk. She doesn't want to "live" with me in my apartment because it's too small for her, and she'll stay with me when her dad is working. I can half understand her because I lived in the country with wide open spaces and acreage, BUT she needs to be with me also. So the arrangement is for her to be with me when her dad is working midnight. This amounts to about 12 days of the month; BUT when she needs to go to the pool, or the movies, or volleyball practice, I usually do this for her because (1) either her dad is working or (2) he's busy.

Anyway, after another battle over money on Saturday, he agreed to pay me $200 at the beginning of each month for her. THEN he says "but don't get mad when I ask you what you did with it." Here we go again! I just looked at him. This was one of our problems...his controlling ways over money.

So whether he gives me the $200 or not, I don't know. No matter what, she needs to understand that I can't be doing what I always used to do for her.

Oh, Cshel, he is so manipulative. I'm the bad one. Now she's home cleaning and doing this and that for him "without a problem". All her and I did was battle over chores. Sometimes I feel like they are making me look like it was always me that was the problem. I won't do that to myself. I know what I lived. Her and I got along fine for three days until yesterday when I took her back to her dad's. Then she copped this attitude with me, and it just makes me sick inside.

She's gotten spoiled from both of us in the past, now I can't give her all she wants and daddy looks good because of it. They are both manipulating me and I just can't go there. I get weak, sick, and just want to cry all over for what they are doing. I know she doesn't understand, but she is 14 and she isn't stupid. I just want her to love me.

Thanks, Cshel......Happy