Should she lea ve!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Should she lea ve!!!!!!!!!!
1
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:56am
Man 41 ooohs and woohs girl 26 through her work, she quits her job, moves out of her house, and in with him in 2 months, they have now been married 1yr 3months. In this time they have had several fights. She has always been very close to family and her mom and dad (divorced). We her family has seen her maybe 10 times in this time frame. And after she moved in with him we saw her at her bridal shower and the wedding. He does not talk with anyone in his family except his grandmother and she was the only one who attended the wedding.

He is divorced 2xs and this is 3rd marriage has young son who he has been fighting for custody for 8 years now. Bad mouths the ex wife to kid all the time, and has N/wife convinced she is a nut case. New wife never married, became instant wife, nanny, step mom, errand girl, driver and bookeeper (he is self employed). He has not opened a bank account with her, he writes her checks to cash. Gives her money each week which she uses for gas and groceries. They have custody 50% and she has to drive kid to school 1hr 1/2 each way. He has allowed her to work at the school while son is at school. Her mother lives in the same town but she is not suppose to visit her. When she does see her family, which he says she can do anytime it causes a fight and she is shelfish. And that she is taking time away from their family time.

He has told her they have to walk on egg shells because she is insecure and comes from a broken home. The son has behavior and lying problems. And if she disciplines and it is not to his liking causes a fight. And he corrects her all the time or tells her she was wrong in front of the child. He tells the child how rotten his mother is and that all woman or bad, and she is exception. But with conditions. He tells her he has given her everything and allowed her into his world. He puts on an act with friends that he is well off, but yet he struggles, and he has given her so many things, and yet she has nothing.

They have had some pretty verbal fights, and some she has come to stay with us and her mother. He does not like her mom, and refuses to go over there. He tells her she has alot of emotional issues and that causes conflict.

He controls what she does and doesn't do. She has lost lots of weight, and you can see the bones, plus lost a baby. He will fight with her and withold affection, won't sleep in the same room, but sleeps in the childs room. When they have a spare bedroom. Tells the kids stay away from her when she is upset, she is in one of her moods.

Grandma was visiting one time and he went out to mail something at post office and didn't come home for over 3hrs one rainy night. They were waiting on dinner the wife went to look for him at grandma's request and found him at his shop, when she knocked he did not answer and only light on was behind the office door. He was pissed that she was checking up on him, when she tried to explain he became very verbal. Came home through a piece of paper at her (in front of grandma) accused her of all kinds of things.He use to see grandma once a month and that stopped, and just seen her after she had stroke recently. Grandma wrote wife a letter said, he has alot of garbage in his life and if he doesn't get some help, that they might as well call it quits. Last week planned well in advance they were going to BQ at her dads new home. He at last min. decided to take kids biking and would catch up later. That morning wife made breakfast, lunches, packed day things and did several loads of wash. He called when they were done he was upset she didn't leave him some cash, (which she cashed a check day before) or the address to dads, anyway he hung up on her. Then when he got there first thing out of his mouth was she gave him wrong directions spent 2hrs in traffic and were is his money. They stayed ate dinner and he left with kids and didn't come home until 1:30 am and because she didn't call them to find out when they would be home she didn't care about them. Next day he woke up angry with her, said, she only cared about herself and getting to her dads. She was a selfish B'tch and kept going on and on, and then threw a pillow at her "She yelled that's it I want a divorce" and called us and said, I need you. Well he went into a fury. Started throwing all her clothes in car. He has pushed her before also.

He tells her she has stepped over the line when she called her family. He says he has tried to be friendly with her family whom she is very close to, but yet when the dad has visited in their home he has something he has to do and leaves. He has been to our house twice. They have not been to any family holiday gatherings.

She is convinced that most of the problems is her fault and if she changes it will help the marriage. That if she keeps her mouth shut everyone will be happy. She says she loves him and that not all the times are bad. And yet he tells her all the time, I can do this without you, we did it before you came into our lives. That she is insecure, shelfish, name calls her, corrects her all the time and if she snickers to a comment or says something he doesn't like about the boy he goes nuts. This last fight she stayed with us for 3 days and then went to her mothers and told her mom nothing, as her mother knows all these things and thinks she raised a stranger. Because she hasn't left. And the wife is stuck in the middle. I have been supportive and there for when ever she needs me, and I see the writing on the wall, but how to you help this young girl to move on and start living her life like she use to. When she is convinced that it is her that needs change. I told her that if someone keeps telling you all the time it's you you you. You will start beliving this behavior. The final decision on custody case is coming to end, I feel he oohed and wooed her to show the courts he can provide a stable happy home for this child better then the mom. And I am almost sure that if denied custody he will really loose it. What man tells a 8year old that all woman are bad, don't ever get married, don't talk to his grandparents. That his mom is nuts. And also sleep with him when he is angry with the wife.

I told her if she really wants to work things out, for her to get help and find out what she is about, and if he doesn't want to make changes to in better their life then it is harder to walk away then it is to stay. Even if you do love him. Only she can make the choice to leave or stay and I can only be here to support her when she needs me, or others if she chooses. She has no contact with her friends, and she hides everything from her grandparents, dad, and other family because she doesn't want them to think ill of hubby. Now that she has been with us he told her that she has crossed the line and she does not threaten him with Divorce! They are suppose to talk today. I am praying that she will see the light, and know that she needs to go, and pray that he does not become angry and cause her more pain. I feel in my heart he is verbally abusive and the physical although minor is the next step to something more painful. Am I wrong! And should I butt out! Thank you for any advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 2:30pm
Hi tjha!!! I think she is fortunate to have someone like you to be there for her with advice and a place to stay. I think you are right on, and i would continue to be there for her epspecially since you say she has no contact with friends or family. You may be the only one she feels she is able to come to. It's amazing when you think about all the underhanded things abusers do. Sometimes i think they must all have some secret degree in psychology or something to be able to know how to manipulate a person. I can relate to some of the things this girl is going through. I became an immediate mom,nanny,etc to my husband's child. He always badmouthed the mother both to me and child, and had me believing it, mostly because i was young and inexperienced in these things. He started every visitation out with a barrage of ?s for the child about the mother and her boyfriend, and she would come up with all kinds of stories for him, most of which i think now were exaggerations and just plain stories. I'm sure she felt that she had to make daddy happy though, funny how kids pick up on these things. Now she and my own child do the same thing to me on occasion to gain points with him. Plus my step child has so many problems getting along with people, she's a dramatist, instigator, and compulsive lyar, but she learned to be that way at a young age. He got custody of her after i had my child, she came for a visit the very week i got home from the hospital and never went back home, kind of convenient huh. Husband has always claimed that mother abandoned her, but i got a chance to talk to the mother not long ago, and she has a different story. Shortly after i began living with my now husband, he started letting his daughter sleep with him, and due to much complaining and lack of comfort, i gave in and began sleeping in her bed. Now i really realize how messed up this is. I think it is probably very harmful to this man's son that he is being exposed to all this craziness. I hope she sees this before she has any children with him.