want to not be scared
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want to not be scared
| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 5:35am |
i woke up quickly last night thinking that i must've heard something. i thought he was here. i went into the bathroom and hid in the closet. i was in there for 2 hours. How crazy is that. two hours is long. i kept trying to be rational, my dog would've heard right? i have an alarm, i'm alone and safe. i have dreams a lot still thinking he will kill me in the same parking lot that he attacked me in before. i was out the other night with my friend and some of her friends and kept worrying because a guy was sitting beside me at this restaurant. i wanted to move in case he was there watching me and saw and thought i was with someone (i'm not) but wouldnt that have sounded crazy if i would've asked to move. i felt nervous the whole time and didnt feel better until i was home. just being around guys makes me scared because i think he will find out and think something and kill them and me. Sometimes i think i am starting to have a better life and then other times i will get scared and do stupid things like hide in a closet or be unable to get out of my car or come out of a store or public restroom like in a mall. i just wanted to talk i don't know where i'm going with this but thanks for reading. take care, jj

Hi JJ and welcome back, it's always good to hear from you.
You have to remember that you went through nine years of hell with him and his abuse was extreme and intense.
CL-Blueliner4
Huge hugs to you!!! My goodness, you have been THROUGH so much and look at you!! You are really doing fantastic. You are away from him. You are safe. Yes, It will be a long time before you really feel comfortable and safe - but it will happen. One day, when you don't even realize, you will have been comfortable for awhile - it might only be 5 minutes, it might be an hour, it might be a day - but it will happen.
Take a look back - only for a minute though, don't dwell on the past - dwell on what you accomplished by getting away from him. How horrible it was and how much better you are now. You are unbelievably strong to have gotten this far, it is really ok to be scared, but when you are scared, breath, look around, make sure of your surroundings. Learn what you feel when things are right - learn to trust your gut instincts again. Test them in some safe ways - that way you will know when you really need to be scared. You do need to be prepared, but you can be confidently prepared.
Is there a "buddy" type person that you could call if you have a situation that makes you nervous? Instead of worrying in a closet for 2 hours? If you had someone you could call to come check things out, that would have set your mind at ease. Just a thought.
You take care of yourself. Turst you. You have done fantastic.
Pam