We are abusing each other
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We are abusing each other
| Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:02pm |
Hi All, My H and I are in a abusive relationship. Just this morning we had a huge fight. I still had to go to work bruised and abused, crying and disgusted. Everyone is starring at me and asking what happen. Like most women I am afraid to leave and afraid to call the police. Usually I am held hostage so that I can't leave or call anyone. I scream and scream to the top of my lungs hoping the neighbors will call the police but they never do. We live in an apartment complex. I think they are scared of him too. He knows everything about me and I really don't have a place to go. Sadly I'm not sure I really want to leave and maybe I'm confusing fear for love but I do love him despite the abuse and I want to help him with his anger problem. I know most would advise not trying to help but we made promises and took vows and that means something to me. We'll be okay for months and then there will be a big boom like this morning. He has been layed off and clearly taking a lot of that frustration out on me physically. We have had financial troubles out the ying yang since he got laid off and that is stress for us both. He's been to couseling but I haven't. He has never completed the sessions for one reason or another. And he doesn't just fly off the handle and hit me it's usually a long drawn out arguement that turns abusive. I'm sure he and I both could use some help with communication. I verbally and emotionlly abuse him. I tend to purposly say things to hurt him emotionally because I can't hurt him physically. and I have so much pride that even while I'm being abused I continue to run off at the mouth because I don't want him to think he can control me by hitting me but in fact he is regardless. He has me right where he wants me. I read the check lists and he fits atleast 40 of them. He is a protypical abusive man. But sadly I fit a few of the items too. Not 40 but maybe 15. I'm not sure what I'm wondering. I know what's wrong, I know I need to suck up my feelings and fear and leave when I can but I can't. We don't even have children. Clearly I'm carrying the financial load so it's not like I even need him that way. I'm just so messed up I guess. I really needed to get this off my chest today. Thanks for reading, respond at your leisure.

What he did could easily have left you unable to even get to work today or any other. He's beating you so there are visible bruises which means he does not care that people know what he does to you. He is one of the most dangerous types of abusers. Whether you want to believe it or not, YOUR LIFE IS AT RISK. Call the police now or go directly there after work. Do you have a relative, friend or coworker who would go with you?
You can not help him with his anger problem because he does not want help. If he did, he would not have quit the counselling. This is his problem and his responsibility, not yours. You do not make him act this way. He chooses to act this way. His bad choices have already cost you more than enough. You are becoming someone you do not like just by defending yourself against his attacks.
This is NOT a loving or healthy marriage. It is not what God intended a marriage to be. It's not what you agreed to when you said your vows. If you bought a car and the seller would not let you drive it, would you pay them anyway just to say, "well, I kept up my end of the contract"? Of course not, that's absurd. As far as your vows are concerned, he broke those the first time he laid a hand on you. Are you obligated to keep up your end anyway? NO. In fact, in the Bible it clearly says that if someone abuses us, we must get away from them. It also says that we are to shed light on all evil deeds.
If you don't call the police, at least call 1-800-799-SAFE and talk to them. There are places you can go and there is counselling available as well as legal and financial advice. What you are describing, as far as your seeming inability to leave, is extremely common. You've been conditioned (a sort of brainwashing) and it's part of the control tactics that abusers use. It's the same as the hostage who falls for, and wants to protect, the hostage taker.
There is a huge amount of information on this board's homepage. You do not deserve to live like this for one more day. You are very fortunate that you can support yourself financially. You have a great advantage over many women in your situation.
Do not give him the chance to hurt you again. Right now you are a victim. It takes a split second to decide "NO MORE!" and become a survivor. Please, take a stand for yourself. Say "NO MORE" and call the police.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
Welcome babiejewel -
First off, Susan's dead on with her post and I cannot stress enough the importance of alerting both the police AND your family to what has happened.
CL-Blueliner4
Hang in there, sweetie--the fact you're here and thinking about it is progress in itself. You'll get there-just do what you need to to keep yourself safe until you're ready and able to leave. Susan and Blue gave you excellent advice-I hope you can take it. It does sound like you're in a dangerous situation and that he's got you believing bad things about yourself. If you can get free, you'd find that you like how you feel AND how you act much better. At least I think so, I feel like I will, if I can pull it off. It sounds like you have it much worse than me, in terms of physical abuse--my H has just started. You should get the law involved, or at least get out to stay safe.
I too find myself saying and doing things I don't like, and my H is now taking the position that I abuse him, as a way to make sure I don't make any of this public. I do not believe that he's afraid of me or ever has been (he's 6' and 190 and I'm 5'3" and 110) He makes things up, saying 'you could cut off my penis while I sleep like Loreena Bobbitt or "you could shoot me." I have NO idea where that's coming from, but that's what he says. I did hit him once, a year and a half ago, when I found out that he was still sneaking over to this woman's house that he had promised he wouldn't do any more. We went to her housewarming party (don't ask, it was a messed-up situation) and when we met her new neighbors, they looked at him and said, 'oh, hi--I see you here all the time", meaning at her house. I was incredibly upset, and as I was leaving, he came in the bedroom where I went to get my coat and I hit him on the chest, saying how could you, how could you and swearing. Blue, I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, b/c he's using that against me, and you summarized it perfectly. I was reacting to something that had pushed me beyond my limits. I know it was inexcusable and wrong. I'm not abusive though. He says the opposite--he 'only' grabbed me, but I've hit him, so he'll win, b/c that shows I'm abusive. I'm going to print what you wrote and reread it periodically.
And we did go to couple's counselling briefly, about this woman. It was horrible and very frightening. I would say things in counselling that I had been afraid to bring up when we were alone, and he would get furious afterward. We stopped, b/c he said I was setting him up.
GOOD LUCK to you, and find support here and from trusted friends. You're not alone.
Hey CC -
I did just want to make a quick note that even in
CL-Blueliner4
Yeah, I do know that--it'll never happen again, and I will get there. I hate that I did that.
I've gotta plan carefully, and it's going to take some time. I can't make any mistakes, and I REALLY want the best possible set up for my son, on all levels.
Thanks for the 'look how far' comment, too--it's hard for me to see it, so it's nice to hear.
CC