Tried talking it out
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Tried talking it out
| Thu, 06-17-2004 - 8:07pm |
I haven't had a good night sleep in the past week, since the last time we tried talking things out. I have been really contemplating if I should leave or not. I feel like I haven't given it my all and that he really doesn't know what the issues are. So tonight and I sat him down and we discussed our issues.. while sort of. His issues:
1. Wants to buy a house (I don't feel that with oour marriage being rocky that this is the right time to buy a house).
2. Doesn't like our male friend being over all of the time (This friend has called like twice in the past 2 weeks when he was home and he hasn't been over at all. And he won't be seeing him until a group of us goes on vacation at the end of the month. {This guy is the best support i have and I still keep in contact with him on a regular basis... w/o the dh knowing})
My Issues:
1. emotional needs not being meet
2. only wanted for sex
3. him dragging my sister in the middle of our problems
4. no communication going on... basically there is a bug purple elephant in the middle of the living room that no one is acknowledging is tehre.
1. Wants to buy a house (I don't feel that with oour marriage being rocky that this is the right time to buy a house).
2. Doesn't like our male friend being over all of the time (This friend has called like twice in the past 2 weeks when he was home and he hasn't been over at all. And he won't be seeing him until a group of us goes on vacation at the end of the month. {This guy is the best support i have and I still keep in contact with him on a regular basis... w/o the dh knowing})
My Issues:
1. emotional needs not being meet
2. only wanted for sex
3. him dragging my sister in the middle of our problems
4. no communication going on... basically there is a bug purple elephant in the middle of the living room that no one is acknowledging is tehre.
His responses were that he has given up trying to meet my emotional needs because I told him that w/o my needs being met, we weren't having sex. He is ok with that because he feels we are at a point in our marriage that all couples get to that they don't have sex. He admitted that he holds me at night just to try and turn me on so we will do it. He apologized for bring my sister into it. And said that we will work on our problems... yeah right. I mentioned counseling and he said that he wanted to try to work things out on our own first.
I am just so frustrated.

I can understand your frustration having had similar conversations myself.
CL-Blueliner4
Now, for your post. "I feel like I haven't given it my all....." This is most likely from the conditioning you've gone through. You've spent so long hearing that it's all your fault. How many times have you heard a version of: "If you'd only done_______ " or if you hadn't done_______, things would not be as they are"? You feel like you haven't given your all because that's what you've been told to believe. You have put up with more from this guy than any human should ever have to put up with. You would not tolerate a stranger or aquantence treating you with this disrespect. You should expect far better by someone who claims to love you. Where is his sacrific? Where is his 'giving it his all' for your sake? So, you may not have given every ounce of your soul yet but, believe me, that's what he's after. And that's what he wants you to believe you *owe* him.
It will not matter how hard you try, what you do or do not do. Your actions are not why he treats you the way he does. It has nothing to do with you. It's his deep down belief and value system. He honestly believes that he is so entitled to have every one around him cater to him that *we* are wronging *him* if we don't. He needs us all to feel inadequate so we never stop striving for his approval.
I know others here will have example after example of this. Here's one: I would spend the entire day scrubing every nook and cranny of every inch of my house. Stbxh would call me several times throughout the day and know what I was doing all day. When he arrived home, instead of commenting on how nice the house looked, he'd throw a fit about anything he could find. Maybe that one of the kid's toys were not put away in the garage properly or the garbage was full and not tied up or some other insignificant item. He'd scream at everyone, claim he was sick of living in a pig sty where no one gave a $hi+ but him. That he work hard all day and all he wanted was to come home to a clean house. We were all so selfish, lazy, ungrateful, blah, blah, blah......until I (and usually a son or two) was in tears, then he'd leave. I'd go after him apologizing and begging him to stay and have dinner with us. I look back now and can't believe I stuck it out as long as I did. (turns out he was having an affair but, that's another story) After episodes, I'd be left, shaking my head, trying to figure out how I could have done more to prevent that. I didn't think 'I'd given it my all'. WRONG!!!! It wasn't me. It's him. He's the one with the problem. He's an abuser.
It only gets worse and more frequent. No matter what you change in you or your actions, you can't change him. He won't change because what he's doing is working very nicely for him. In his mind, this is how life works and he's very happy being in control. You are grovelling and catering to his whims and he believes he is *entitled* to be in control.
"he really doesn't know what the issues are. So tonight and I sat him down and we discussed our issues"
My Issues:
1. emotional needs not being meet
2. only wanted for sex
His response: he's given up trying to meet my emotional needs (did he ever meet them?)because I told him that w/o my needs being met, we weren't having sex. - So basically, since you're not giving me the amount of sex I want, I don't really care if you need something. Do you see the dysfunctional, entitlement at work here? You've told him the one thing that would make you happy and in turn would result in more sex for him but, instead of working to get both your needs met, IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM!
"He is ok with that because he feels we are at a point in our marriage that all couples get to that they don't have sex." All couples do not get to the point that they don't have sex! This is not true and he doesn't even believe it. He's said it as a way of letting you know that he's perfectly willing to use this sex vs intamcy thing for his own gain, indefinately. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM!
"He admitted that he holds me at night just to try and turn me on so we will do it." So, he says that he's ok not having sex but, he's still trying to turn you on? If he thought at all about you, he'd be holding you because he knows that would make you happy. But he admits he's doing it for sex. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM!
"him dragging my sister in the middle of our problems. - He apologized for bring my sister into it. And said that we will work on our problems... yeah right." I'm not sure about your sister's involvement but, you seem pretty convinced that he's not planning on doing much about working on your problems.
"no communication going on... basically there is a bug purple elephant in the middle of the living room that no one is acknowledging is there." He won't talk about it unless you bring it up and then, what gets solved? Anything? He doesn't want change. Well, that's not entirely true. He wants more sex. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM!
"I mentioned counseling and he said that he wanted to try to work things out on our own first." What is his plan? I know....it's probably, "ignore it and she'll get over it eventually. She always does."
"I am just so frustrated." I know exactly how you feel. Frustration is trying to have a healthy relationship with an abuser. Frustration is trying to have a rational conversation with some one who orchestrates confusion for their own power gain. Frustration is tryng to be an equal in a marriage where your partner does not believe you are worthy of being an equal.
Learn all you can but, please do not confront him with what you are learning. It will only bring you grief. He will learn nothing from what you tell him. He already knows what he's doing. He does it on purpose. He will use what you say against you and he will switch/increase his tactics if he feels he's loosing his grip on you.
Stay safe - 1-800-799-SAFE - and keep looking up^, Susan.