Why is it always shown as men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Why is it always shown as men?
6
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 7:14am
Hi

I am a 24 year old male, living with a 43 year old woman. We have been together for just over a year and it seems judging by the all the information she has forced me to read about this stuff that both of us are abusive. Now i know i am abusive, its not something that can be controlled. I know everyone out there thinks it can, but you cant physically change someone. I warned her before we got together what i was like and gave her the opportunity not to have to go through it all. But since we moved in together its been both partys. Now the main problem is, all literature seems to stem from men being the abusers. I think there are just as many women abusers as there are male abusers, its just the male abusers deal with it better by leaving the woman and not spending years after trying to figure out if the woman was abusive or not. Men in all the documents i have read are made out to be total monsters, but i find this is not the case. From the male point of view there are situations where alot of the symptoms are necessary in order to keep a relationship going (i myself am in the position, i feel as id i want to leave but am forced to stay because of alot of emotional blackmail, it doesnt mean i dont love my partner, as i love her more than anything on this earth, its just i dont see the relationship going anywhere near where i want to go). Now from the male point of view, maybe the women should firstly look at how they are behaving, and maybe look at some of the symptoms and see if they apply to themselves before badmouthing the men??

I know this is a predominantly female community, but my partner sent me the link to here as she felt that i should read it all. I have read quite a few of the problems and i do genuinly sympathize, but also at the same time, as i said before, maybe some of the women should look at their own actions and see where that is leaving the men? I know this wont be true for most of the cases, but it may save one or two relationships from the slaughter.

Dan

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 9:01am
Dan, these boards are here for those, both women and men, who wish to find freedom from an abusive relationship, not for either gender to point fingers at each other saying which is worse.

I can understand why your partner wished you to read the information here, but unfortunatly there is nothing here that will help you in your relationship. You say you are an abuser and I agree, you are. That is quite evident in your post. You spend almost the entire time trying to defend yourself and your gender.

If you truely do wish to find help for your relationship I would suggest contacting your local city government, head of community services or a department similar and ask if there are any agencies who you can contact as you are seeking out an anger management course. It will help you understand far more and it would give your relationship a healthier direction. Your partner will have to find her own therapy apart from yours and both of you if you want this relationship to last, will have to work on each of your own issues independant of the other.

You say that you love her, but can't see it going anywhere because it is not the direction you want it to go in, because you're forced by emotional blackmail to stay. First thing you need to realize is that a healthy relationship does not follow either direction but that of both meeting halfway, making comprimises and working together and being honest.

Also, in a healthy relationship, there are NO symptoms of abuse, period!

If you do love her more than anything on earth, then you will seek out an anger management program and a long-term counselor to help you work with your partner, not trying to get her to work for you.

You are right, we are responsible for our actions, and on these boards we are predominantly female. On these boards you do see alot of women showing men as monsters, as they are in THEIR relationship. Abuse is abuse, is has no gender, race or ethnic background! It is one person's need to totally control and hold absolute power over another whether it's a man or a woman.

I do hope you look for help for yourself, and honestly work on it. Get help so that you can see a wider world, one in which you do not need to defend yourself or your gender, one in which you can see your partners views and take healthy criticism and not fight or get angry with each other. You 've got alot of work to do on yourself Dan and you are worth the time to do it for yourself.

Good Luck, sorry we don't have anything here that can help you on your path, but I do hope you keep searching for it.

Oh, and by the way, a woman's abuse of a man is just deep and twisted as that of a man against a woman. I know,

Dave

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 9:11am
I have only one reply to your statement there dave. I did spend alot of time defending my gender and it is for good reason. Someone needs to stand here and say "its not all the mans fault". As you say, women are just as bitter and twisted as men, but also at the same time, most mental abuse in a relationship is caused by a trigger. I think that the alledged victim should also maybe look at where the abuse started and see if there is anything that they may have done to trigger it? i am not saying that in every relationship, but maybe there is a few who can relate to what i have said, you are obviously not sticking your neck out with regards to the gender issue (which i thought i made quite clear was the point of original post, not my problems). This is more against the male bashing on the site, as opposed to the actual abuse itself. I do sympathize with those who have suffered the abuse, from the point of view of the abuser and the abused, but maybe there should be more on here about women doing it as well, as it seems they are getting away with it more and more, so its becomming more and more common.

Dan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 9:53am

Dan...this is not a board for abusers and, frankly, abusers aren't welcome here.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 11:05am
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,for what you just said to Dan!!! You said everything that I wanted to say but couldn't quite find the words.You're absolutely right!

Linae

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 6:20pm

Unfortunately, both buff and sweet are right, there are no resources here for an abuser.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 11:46pm
If you know yourself to be abusive, then why be in a relationship at all? I mean, when a guy meets a girl, he doesn't say "Hi, I'm John, I'm abusive, but I also enjoy long walks on the beach." But if you know that you have this trait, then wouldn't it be best for you to decide not to be in a relationship until you can keep it under control?

Finding happiness in another person isn't about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person and then finding your match. And, frankly, an abusive personality is designed to be alone. That is, until they find it within themselves to learn to express themselves better.

I think it's more common for men to be abusive. From a young age, we are taught by our peers that pushing people around (emotionally and/or physically) means we are "tough," because we can intimidate. It's weaved into our culture, and the only way to really pry that out of ourselves is to be really analytical about gender roles. Gender roles are mostly ridiculous.

But if we want to say women are "just as guilty," then we'd have to look at the role women more often play in abusive relationships. Women sometimes contribute to abuse not by being abusers, but by ignoring early signs of abuse or believing they can change an abusive man. That tells your children and your neighbors that nasty behavior is acceptible. It also gives abused women more of an excuse to stay with an abusive man even longer, the logic being "Well, I've put up with him during the time that he ____, so I might as well put up with the little things too."

To put it another way, people who mistreat others should be lonely people. Lonely people have little to do but contemplate why they are lonely. Eventually, they will figure it out. And by giving them that lesson, they will be so much better of for it. But if you give a dog a treat when he bites you, you've just reinforced biting behavior.