HELP PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
HELP PLEASE
4
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 11:36pm
My husband and I are currently separated. We have toyed with the idea of reconciling and rejoining as a family. I moved from his home 2 years ago following 3 years of emotional abuse which I feared would escalate to physical abuse. I also moved for the emotinal well being of my then 14 year old son from a previous marriage and our then 3 year old daughter. Although I have tried EVERYTHING humanly and inhumanly possible to improve our relationship,nothing has worked. His latest antic resulted from my request of him to purchase much needed items for our daughter whom he provides nothing in any financial support.We spoke briefly and accused me of getting smart with him on the telephone (a typical pattern attempt of initiating an argument). He failed to call me for 2 days. On the 3rd day he called and stated" I will not be able to pay for the child care cost, I have had emergency surgery, and I will not call you back for a month." I called around to all of the local hospitals..... he has not been admitted.This was the last straw for me.All logic is yelling out to me that to give him another chance will have the same or worse results. This becomes more difficult to hold my position as the days of no contact increases. Please help with supportive remarks. I desperately need them to maintain my resolve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: jestlene2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:59am
Good morning, I'm not sure why no one has responded to your post but, somethimes they slide down quickly if the board is busy. I have to say that you seem to know going back to him is not the thing to do. This just proves that you are right on with your thinking. Emergency surgery? Yah, right. If you do not get support from him, get the courts after him. You ask for financial help with his child and he makes up some lame BS and then says he won't call you for a month? I think you are going to be better off not speaking to him for a month. It's called NO CONTACT and it really is the only way to keep things clear in your head. So, you are handling all the responsibility of the children on your own anyway, why talk to him at all?

A good way to keep your focus is to make a list of all the abusive things he did to you and your children. If you start to waver, pull the list out and remind yourself of the wise decision you made when you left. This guy will only bring you down and stop you from moving on to the wonderful life you deserve.

I'm really not know for hand-holding, huggy type of support. I'm more of a 'tell-it-like-it-is' kind of girl so, I hope someone else has some words for you, too. I can tell you that the *only* way to deal with an abuser is to extricate them completely from every area of your life and then IGNORE the heck out of them!

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
In reply to: jestlene2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:47am
Hi. My husband was removed from our home Saturday for domestic violence. He was not particularly physical but say once every 2 years, but the emotional abuse was unbearable now that I look back on it. I thought I was this strong, independent woman, doing what I want. Now I am looking back knowing that HE was the one in control: blowing all our money on beer, cutting me down if I didn't have a meal ready, insulting my body, etc. Little things that I just took as he was a simple minded jerk now I know was just his way of controlling me, since he had no control over himself, nor any boundaries. What angers me now is how I LET it continue. Where was my self confidence? I had to have known this was wrong, not logical, hurtful and cruel. What part of me said, "Oh we all have to endure problems, he is sorry, he doesn't mean it". The problem is that he DOES mean it, it may have been more calculating than I ever suspected. Because I have a kind heart and am compassionate he used that to get me to do things he never had a right to. I know that the "no contact" order in place is for the best. I am sure if I heard his reasons why he did what he did, I may soften, and my humanity take over and I WILL feel sorry for him. I guess at this time in my life I DON'T have the strength to logically see through all his bull, so for me, I need to stay away until I have learned more about why I let this go on.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am the one at fault here, but I am trying to be kind to myself now, and learn things that I was not ready to hear when he was living here.

Maybe you can just open your mind to hear the logical truth, not the implant that these jerks put into our head that lead us to believe them.

I wish you luck.

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
In reply to: jestlene2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:13pm
Thank you Susan for your response. It was exactly what I needed to get through a VERY difficult day. I printed out your response and will carry it with me to read when I feel my strength wavering. I have begun writing down the abusive incidents in a journal as you have suggested. It is amazing as a think back to the innumerable acts of abuse both blatantnt and subtle that my children and I survived. Regarding your approach, it is EXACTLY what I needed.

Thanks a million

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
In reply to: jestlene2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:42am
jestlene2004,

One thing I do know because I'm in your position, he will continue to be this way because he probably believes it is all your fault. I would get a lawyer and take him through the court system to get financial support. Some states come down hard on "deadbeat dads." Good luck!

catlover66