A bad match, my fault, or abuse?
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| Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:02am |
Hi everyone. I think i just posted this on the wrong message board a minute ago-the new beginning domestic abuse one. When it should be here. So if you see it in two places that is why...
I joined ivillage about 3 weeks ago, and started a conversation on the problem solving for couples board. Posts kept coming back(about 4-5) that said I should come over to the domestic abuse board and copy my posts here. So I thought maybe I would try that. This is going to be very long, because it is a series of 4 posts from me explaining my relationship. I didn't include the posts from other people so there will be some gaps in between. If anyone has a little extra time on their hands, and would read over my situation, I would really appreciate any advice that could be given. Thanks a bunch.
post#1
I need some advice very badly. I have been dating this wonderful man that I am completely and hopelessly in love with. He is the man that I want to marry. Unfortunately, we have been having problems for awhile. Some days everything is perfect. And others, it is awful.
When we first started dating, I didn't tell him about some things about myself that I am ashamed of. I had a period of time, when I wasn't a very nice person, and did things that I completely regret. I wasn't respecting myself. When I first met my boyfriend, I didn't want him to think badly of me, so I didn't tell him. As we began to date, he would start to ask me very detailed questions about my past, and prior sexual history, and I lied about them. I eventually told him the truth(about a month later), and we have been having problems ever since. He gets sick of the thought of his girlfriend behaving like I did, and says that he never wanted to be with someone like that. But now he is between a rock and a hard place because he has fallen in love with me. He also always questions me when I go out, and thinks that I am going to cheat on him, and sleep around like I did in the past. Sometimes it gets so bad, that he calls me very bad names. This is making me feel completely worthless. However, when he doesn't think about these things, everything is wonderful. We get along so well. It kills me to think about how we used to be before he knew these things about me. I was everything he wanted. Sometimes it makes me think that all he wants is a perfect girl who has never done anything wrong before.
I don't know what to do because I love him so much, and it kills me to think that the only reason we are having problems is because of my past actions. And I can't change it.
I am so upset. What do you think I should do? Do you have any sound advice for me? Thanks.
post#2
feel like I know what I have to do, because it doesn't seem like he will ever be okay with my past. He says that if it wasn't as close to him(recent to beginning to date him), then he wouldn't care about it. I have told him a hundred times that I feel badly about it, but he thinks I only do now because it has messed things up between us.
This is the only area that he has trouble with. And I just feel helpless, even when he calls me names, because I see how wonderful a person he is when he doesn't do this. And I really do love him.
I'm also always anxious now, because I will remember certain things, like I kissed this person, or that person, and didn't tell him. Then I wonder, "should i tell him so he doesn't think that I am lying,...but if i do he will get real upset." This has been so painful.
What can I do to make him realize that I am truly remorseful for the person I was, and that isn't who I really am? Or do you think I should even bother with that - do you think this type of a person will never get past it?
post#3
I know all of this, but when he talks to me, I really feel that I have wronged him....and now he is dealing with these trust issues because of me. His mother did and said some pretty bad things to him, and left it hard for him to trust women. He thought he had found the health relationship that he was looking for when he met me, until he found out these things that I had done. The worst part was that i was still doing it the night before he met me. But I met him, and it totally changed everything in me, and opened my eyes to my stupid past behaviors. He can't accept that that part of me is really gone for good. He is also afraid that I will cheat on him as I have done on others, and I know without a doubt in my heart that I would never do that to him. I have never done that to someone I loved.
The one thing that I know I did do to to him that was completely and utterly wrong, and I can't believe that I put him in that danger and was so irresponsible, was that I lied about having been tested. I had recently been with a man unprotected, and told him that I had been tested since I had unprotected sex. I was trying to push that hurtful encounter out of my mind, and wasn't thinking. I since have been tested, but I know that was a horrendous thing, and it is something that I can't seem to forgive myself for, and neither can he. I love this man so much,...but our problems seem too deep an insurmountable, and i can't help but think that this all started as my fault when I made that huge error. That was about 9 months ago, though, and ever since I believe that I have treated him like gold, and shown him unconditional love and devotion. But he can't seem to completely forgive me for that, and I can't say that I blame him. I don't know how I would feel if a man put me at risk like that. And I think that is why I let him say the things that he does to me now, and stay in this relationship. Because I feel that he atleast wants to try to work it out, even despite what I have done, and since it was my fault, I have to understand that people don't get over things overnight. And I need to try and stick with it and be truthful to him, as long as he is willing to try.
This has made him totally untrusting of me. He asks a hundred questions when i go out with friends, and things about my past still here and there, because he is afraid something big will come up again that I didn't tell him.
This is why I feel so horrible. Because I was so irresponsible, and I really do love this man, and nothing I can do can change what I have done.
post#4
Wow. This message board has really helped alot. Thanks to everyone who has put time into helping me deal with this issue.
Regarding the last post. I understand and agree with everything that was written. I have an additional comment, though. I think the whole problem boils down to the fact that my bf never wanted to be involved with someone who had done the things that I have. He didn't know this about me when we met, because I lied about it. If I had told him the truth, there is no way we would have started a relationship. So I ask him why he is still with me now, and he says that he has fallen in love with me, and he is in a very difficult position. Which of course, this difficult position of his, is my fault. I have caused this confusion in his mind, and made this part of his life miserable.
What do I say to that?

Hi Ahrorah, and welcome -
I held off posting on the other board because you said you were headed here.
CL-Blueliner4
I also don't understand the control issue. I don't think he wants or is trying to control me. This is just the way he deals with it.
He says that the name calling isn't right, but that sometimes he feels justified in saying things, and if I had never had hurt him, we wouldn't be having these problems.
A big issue with him is also that he feels like he has lost a friend because of me. I had dated one of his friends before, and up until a month before i met my bf, we were casually seeing each other. I told my bf that we hadn't been together for awhile, but he took that as we weren't even casually dating, and thinks I lied to him. Now his friend doesn't like him, and he blames it all on me. He says he is tired of this situation - apparently he has had problems with dating friends old girlfriends in the past, and losing them over it. Sometimes I feel like I brought out this side of him, that wasn't there before, and now it is all my fault that he is such a jerk. Like I am a manipulative woman that screwed with his head or something.
Sweetie, let's take a look at what he's doing, not what he's saying.
CL-Blueliner4
From all the people who have responded to you, on all three boards you have posted on, not one person has agreed with the way your bf is treating you, not one person. That is because, NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU, he is wrong, wrong, wrong. None of the way he acts about this is appropriate and none of it is justifiable and none of it is loving, caring, kind, forgiving or acceptable. He, on the other hand, the man who claims to love you, is making every effort to get you to believe you deserve to be treated in this abusive manner. Can we really all be wrong and him be the only one who is right? Deep down, I think you know that his treatment is wrong. Like it or not, you are already being conditioned by him to accept his version of who you and what you deserve. You are already buying into his belief that he is so much better and deserving a human being than you. It's not true!
Look at his attitude about this 'friend' of his and him blaming *that* on you, too. If they were such great friends, why would he not have known you were casually seeing each other? Would his 'friend' not have told him about this girl he's seeing? If they were such great friends, why are they estranged over some girl who evidently does not even meet your bf's standards. It does not make logical sense. That is one of the universal tactics of an abuser. They use twisted logic to put themselves in a position of superiority over you.
Blueliner is right on when she says that one can not be "in love" with someone in the short amount of time there was when all was great with your relationship. Abusers all come across as wonderful in the beginning. If they showed their true colours right off the bat, no one would ever go on a date with one. They usually get very good at charming people into believing they are great guys but, they can't keep up the act indefinately and the true abusive nature comes out.
You do not want this all to be true because you have an 'ideal' of how great this relationship could be. It could be great if he were not an abuser but, he is one and because of that, what you see now is as good as it will ever get. He does not trust you but it's not because of anything you've done since you've been with him. You've spent the vast majority of this relationship trying to 'be good enough for him' but never quite measuring up. That is hallmark emotional abuse and that is what the rest of your life will be like if you decide to stay with this guy. You'll spend the rest of your life trying desparately to measure up, make up, be good enough, etc, etc, to no avail. He expects perfection from you and if he does not get it, you are wronging him. Imagine him hurling the names and accusations at you infront of your children. There are countless ladies here who can tell you of horrific things their children have seen and heard while they tried to be good enough for their abuser.
You deserve to have a guy who applauds you for the woman that you are becoming. You deserve to have a guy who lovingly encourages you to be the best Ahrorah you can be. You deserve, as we all do, to be UNCONDITIONALLY loved.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
I can only say that he can accept you for what you are, were and will be, or not. Everyone has a past, some worse than others. I've been with people that have had "pasts" that were pretty bad, but he shouldn't be judging what you were, but who you are. I know it's hard to leave someone you love, but if you want to really change and have respect for yourself, be with someone who will respect you too, even with your past.
Catlover66
It has been a little while since I wrote anything...But I need some advice again.
I have some sort of slight OCD problem and things bother me until I figure them out or get a solution in my mind.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me before. Little summary if you haven't read my last posts....I am dating this man who has a problem with people I've been with in the past. It drives him crazy to think that I used to be promiscuous, even though I have explained to him that I was wrong, and that part of my life is over.
So my first question is - Should couples even discuss prior sexual history? - Or not bring it up because it can only cause problems? I have heard that people don't even discuss this in serious relationships because that is in the past.
My bf seems to want to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about everything I have ever done.....or he thinks i'm lying to him in some way...Is this healthy? Does he need to know everything? He has an extra hard time dealing with things to begin with, so I'm always sick to my stomach about what I should tell him, and what I shouldn't. Like...is this something that I am betraying him over if I don't tell him....something that will bite me in the ass later....or is it something that he doesn't need to know and will only cause him to worry and get upset over nothing? I don't know where that line is. ...Please someone help...
If an ex tries to contact me...but I don't even talk to him...and it is nothing to worry about...should I tell my bf,,,,because I know he would want to know....or do I not because it would only make him worry over nothing?
The one big thing I am wrestling with right now...is this. My bf knows about this one guy that I slept with...But it never came up that the guy is my best friend's husband's cousin. My best friend and I don't talk about him when we hang out...and I don't see him over her house or anything like that...There is no contact between us. I know that if I tell my boyfriend that that is who that person is....he will be very upset, and ask me a bunch of questions and worry. And he will probably be upset that I never told him that, and accuse me of lying or hiding something..
This probably would never come up...unless we were to get married, and my best friend would have some party, or would have something where her husband's cousin would be there. At that point, it would probably need to be discussed....I am so confused.
Can someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me some advice...What should I be telling my bf, and what doesn't need to be told so he doesn't worry and get upset over nothing, even though he thinks he should know EVERYTHING.
Thanks a bunch for all your help
For what it's worth, my advice would be to not tell him any more- your fear of it being used against you is a valid one. Several years ago I suffered a depression, and during this time, my then-bf, (now H) told me that I was probably depressed b/c I felt guilty about something, so I should tell him everything I had ever done that I felt ashamed of, guilty or bad about, and that would make me feel better. I'm not an idiot, I swear, but I was vulnerable then and so I did tell him. Now, four years later, I'm trying to get away from him, b/c the abuse has become physical and he's ready to use all that against me--tell my parents and other family, ruin my reputation in our new community. At least in my experience, the more you tell him, the more you'll pay later.
If he does love you, he'll work through his pain about your past and realize that as unpleasant as he might find it, it also made you who you are, which is who he fell in love with. If he doesn't love you and he's out to get his hooks into you and get a one-up position, he's on his way.
Good luck and remember to treat yourself kindly. You deserve it!
CCINNC
Ask yourself what possible loving motive he could have for insisting you disclose things that are none of his business. He accuses you of lying? Because you choose to keep a part of your life (that involved some personal heart ache) to your self.
Healthy people do not demand an accounting of their partner's sexual history. Furthermore, he has already proven what he will do with any information he gets. He will use it to try to make you feel bad about your self and beholding to him to somehow (and there is no way) make it up to him.
You need one answer that you give him whenever something like this comes up. Something like, "things that happened in my life before I met you are really none of your business. Telling you about them does not change who I am today. If you are going to judge me, do it on who I am, not who I was". Logically, if the knowledge of your past conduct already hurts and upsets him as much as you say, why would he want more information? He wouldn't! So, ask yourself, what is his real motive?
You may not be proud of the choices you made and it is healthy to have a sense of shame about the actions, choices we later realize were mistakes. This is how we know when we've made a mistake. It is NOT healthy to internalize that shame and attach it to your very being. Your bf is conditioning you to feel shame for who you are, not what you did. There are only selfish motives attached to his choice of how to deal with this.
You are no longer promiscuous but he treats you as though you are. He also thinks you are being dishonest unless you disclose to him all details of your sexual history. Your bf has serious problems. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him needing hurtful things to use against you, as 'catlover66' posted.
You are too close to this to see it clearly and his conditioning has already taken hold of you to some degree. Honestly, none of the who, what, where, etc IS ANY OF HIS BUSINESS!!!!! A loving bf would understand and support you in wanting to leave it in the past, WHERE IT BELONGS!!!!
Keep looking up^, Susan.
I had a picture of someone I slept with on my mirror....it wasn't just me and him...it was a group of friends. I took it down when i realized that it bothered my bf. I wish I would have thrown it away...but I stuck it in a drawer. Not because I cared to keep this photo...I could have just as easily thrown it away...but i wasn't thinking and put it in a drawer...Well he found it..and got all mad...and said how disrespectful of me that was to keep a picture of a kid i had a one night stand with...and then he ended the conversation by telling me to go look at the picture some more. I really don't know what is wrong with him. This sounds crazy to me...Am I right?
Now, I am much older than you and with three children and going through my second divorce, it's undenyable that, before my bf, I had sex with other men. My boys pull out my old wedding album and show bf pictures of 'Mom, with really big hair!' Does he freak out? No. He's had civil conversations with stbx and socializes with my many of 1st h's relatives, since I'm still good friends with his sister. That's mature and healthy. There were more than just these two h's in my sexual past and he knows about and even has met some of them. He does not know about all of them. He's never asked.
Frankly, I'm not at all interested in a list of his. He is very smart, kind and good looking and has worked in jobs that probably would have allowed for as much nooky as he could ever want. He's never been married but, has a wonderful daughter. I've met some of his ex-gfs and we actually had one come and stay at our house for a weekend, with her husband and their son. Her h and my bf are long time friends. I was nervous to meet her but, she was very nice and we all got along great.
All my bf and I need to know is that we both tested 'clean' before we were together and we are commited to one another and to growing our relationship as a deep, loving and healthy example for my boys. Since we've been together, there has been no one else and no thought of anyone else. He's been the kindest, most loyal guy I've ever known. He treats me with respect and builds me up. He never knocks me down over my mistakes.
We all make mistakes. The thing is, do we learn from them and move on to better things? You have. Or at least you've learned and decided to change. You could move on, if he'd let you. He doesn't want you to. This guy is no good for you honey.
Keep looking up^, Susan.