help! i'm losing it but has he lost it?
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help! i'm losing it but has he lost it?
| Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:52pm |
bad stuff keeps happening. i am a writer and a year ago started on a manuscript about spousal abuse using some of my own experiences as well as people i have talked with. anyway, i'm activily trying to get a publisher for it. husband found it in my files on the computer and printed some of it. he knew i had written it, but thought it was about other people's relationships but what he read raised red flags again about ours. there is stuff in the book that he would deem inappropriate (he's a minister) but no erotica or bad language (well, if you count "whore" and "slut".) after he found it, it was a very bad scene (several.) he took it to his parents. he accused me of everything under the sun. here's the kicker. after a trip to his parents, he came home very angry, ranting and raging. he was totally irrational like always when he loses it. anymore, i try to stay calm and my indifference infuriates him but i'm tired - really tired. he came down the hall at me yelling and he said something so awful about my mom who died when i was eight that i actually slapped him. i have never touched him like that before and i was shocked i did it, but he was frightening and hateful. immediately he yells and points his finger in my face, "you're going to jail" and he proceeds to get the phone and start to call the police all the while yelling about me being arrested. it's 8:30 in the morning and our youngest son, who is 12, flies into the kitchen crying for my husband to please give mom another chance. my husband responded by saying, "look what your mother did to me. she's going to jail. you're going to watch her go to jail." finally, my son got him to hang up the phone. he left (back to his parents). later, when he came back and had calmed down, i apologized for the slap. the next day, he wanted to have a rational discussion (these things are never rational) and i said i apologized for hitting you but you never apologized for nearly calling the police. his response was that he didn't need to, that i needed a "jolt". i called an attorney and set up an appointment for tuesday. just need some things answered. i'm not quite to the place of filing for disillusionment. don't know what to do because i don't know if my 12 year old would come with me (his 19 year old brother said he wouldn't - he would stay at the house.) now husband is content because i agreed to all his stipulations (one of which was no more writing "bad stuff" and not submitting my book anywhere.) but i know the cycle will continue no matter how "good" i try to be. everytime something happens i tell myself it bad and that i can't possibly stay but then when it blows over, i hope for something worse so i can really KNOW this is it. i always talk myself out of leaving because i'm afraid of alot of things (mainly surviving on my own and putting my 12 year old through more trauma even though i know this is trauma, my 19 year old says that he - the younger one - would be happier with his father and i together no matter what.) sorry for rambling, but does anyone think hubby stepped over the line here. couldn't believe he'd actually have me arrested!

Unfortunately, Summer, your H was correct in that situation.
CL-Blueliner4
I know it's hard not to lash back at nasty words, but you see how easily he turned that whole situation around to make you look bad? Nothing was ever mentioned about the nasty things he said to you, but he made sure he caused a big enough scene to get your son involved. That's how manipulation abuse works.
As far as the kids are concerned, the break will be tough, but just think how your 12 year old felt when he had to try to stop your H from callilng the cops. It will be a rough road for you dealing with these kids because of their ages, but you need to think of yourself first. You may not think it for a long time, but the children will also be better off for it. You should be able to write anything you want. You shouldn't have to ask permission. Right now both of my children are pretty much on Wendell's side and aren't talking to me(16 and 23). It hurts alot, but I'm just hanging in there. I've been out 7 months and am slowly becoming the person I once was. When my children do start coming around, they will see a whole new person. In fact part of the problem is now they don't have the ability to manipulate me anymore and that is bothering them. Old Wendell thought he could run away from home, convince the kids I was nuts and then proceed to take me to the cleaners. Well, he did run away from home and has the kids so messed up that they are destined for some very hard knocks in their lives. By getting out now, you will be taking a stand that can only help your youngest later in life.
Terry
Not for a second will your 12-year-old be happier with the 2 of you together. I have 4 kids - 24, 23, 17 and 12 - every one of them are glad we are getting a divorce. They are so tired of it. My biggest regret is that I didn't divorce him when my oldest were younger. It sounds as if your H tries very hard at manipulating your kids, too. The longer you stay with him the more power he has over your 12-year-old to manipulate him, too. My H, like Terry's, has tried his best to turn the kids against me. He has even told people, including my children and in a sworn deposition that he took me to a psychiatrist for a year and has told some he took me to a mental instituation! We went to marriage counseling and saw a counselor for a year. This is the kind of lies these jerks will resort to.
Personally, I think he deserved the slap for saying something about your mother, but that situation doesn't help you either. The longer you stay with him the more resentful you will become and the more things you will do yourself that is not like you. I hope you find the strength to get out for yourself.
BTW, the reason he wants you to stop the book is because he doesn't want anyone to know how he is. And taking it to his parents and telling them your troubles is way out of line. He's trying to turn them agaist you, too.
Hugs,
Jackie
I just left my husband after ten years of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. I saw my 12 year old son come to my rescue when things got verbal or violent. The last straw was when he tried to punch my son in the face.
Back to your issues, though. Why was he so shocked by what you've written? Maybe comes a bit too close to home for him? Why is he so eager to send you to jail? To punish you for talking about HIS abuses? Why is he deliberately involving the children? Once again, to hurt you. Why does someone who professes to love you try to HURT you? He has crossed the line and it sounds like it's happened several times. Abusers never KNOW any boundaries. They constantly step way beyond them and then continue to push them until there are none of yours left. My advise is get out before it gets any worse. I left without the house and furniture, but the kids (2 and 12) came with me. If you'd ever seen a toddler crawl into the fetal position in your arms when daddy goes ballistic, you'd understand that no amount of counseling will make things right with us.
We're still fighting over assets, but I'm out and the kids are free from him, except the 1,3, and 5th Fridday. And yes, they are getting the help they need. I finally have an amazing new job, losing weight and feel better than I have in years. I hope things work out for the best for you and the children.
Rage is it's own slap in the face. There are two kinds of people in a conflict, those with worn out swords and those with worn out shields. Yhe trick is to get the attacker to examine his sword and realize it's overused.