Torn!
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| Sun, 10-24-2004 - 12:40am |
Today, when he was sober, he claimed he didn't do that to my car. I'm not sure I believe him because he knows what my car meant to me and that I always took care of it. On the other hand, I don't know what to do with the domestic. My DD is a ticking time bomb waiting for therapy on the 8th. She's a typical teenager who hates her parents and really hates us now since we've filed for divorce. She hates me because I left and she hates him because he's the reason and she knows why. He's a verbal/mental abuser/control freak who is full of anger and jealousy. She's failing many of her classes at school, has threatened suicide, got into the "cutting" deal twice, and is very, very angry. When I first moved out, she lived with H more because I live in an apt. and he has the house. Then she gradually came to live with me more when school started. The past three weeks she has been with with me because of the school issue and because I want her with me because I know he will do to her what he did to me. I feel she's 15. She needs responsibility but for me to be there as a parent to help her when she wants and needs the help with school. He on the other hand thinks and drills in her head over and over to bring the notes home, study study study, she's stupid, and that I need to go over the notes with her every night and make sure she brings home her homework. And how do I do that? The teachers say she's doing better but needs more positive reinforcement. I give that to her; better a D than an F. The report cards come home next week. If it's bad, which it will be, the phone gets taken away from her. I told her I wanted her to live with me. She said he makes her feel guilty if she tells him she wants to live with me. But when she needs something financially,(and how many of you have been there?), she goes to H cause he's the bank and will give it to her. I won't unless it's necessary. He's buying her love. I know it and even my own mother-in-law, his mother, knows it. It's pretty sad when I can have a 2-hour conversation with my mother-in-law about her son and she agrees with me.
Do I file a domestic? Do I file a protection order? He claimed if I did he would kill me, that no amount of the law will stop him if he wanted to get to me. A friend told me I need to at least report it somehow so it's on record that he threatened me. As a typical abuser/alcoholic, he only does these things when he's drunk. But of course, I made him drink (as he says) when I left. Sorry, I didn't put that bottle in his hand and I won't go there. That I know! He was sober this morning and asked if I would come talk to him and have coffee. I did relentlessly, only to find him saying "I'm getting over it my way" when I told him to get over it, to let go; I left him. I fell out of love with him.
I don't want to put my DD over the edge. She's hanging there now. Do I tell her counselor all this when the sessions start? Two weeks can't come quick enough. He left me 10 messages last night on my machine. I turned my phone off. One of them was to explain to my DD how her dad died. Then he threatened to call my friends if I didn't call him. He did call one of them at 3 in the morning. He just asked if I was there and that he was looking for me.
I'm sorry this is long but I know this will happen again the next time I go out with friends. It happens all the time. He claims he's going to seek counseling on Monday. I've heard that before too. Is there a way I can just put something on record without pressing charges against him?
He's psycho. He's nuts and he even told me this morning "he's crazy and doesn't care" and he was sober then. I never dreamed he would do this.
Help!
Not "Happy"

I'm very afraid for you. If he's doing things like that in public and saying he's crazy and he doesn't care, he may well try to kill you. Alcohol doesn't help either, releasing any inhibitions he might have. The man has passed some point of no return, it sounds like, and you need to protect yourself and your daughter. While you are his main target, 1) he might accidently hurt her while trying to get to you, and 2)if you think she's emotionally/mentally troubled now, just think what it would do to her if her dad killed her mom. Also, think of the news stories where the distraught male kills his estranged wife, everyone else in the house and then himself. Don't be that news story, sweetie.
Please, please go to the police and tell the domestic violence officer everything you posted. Heck, print out the post and bring it in. And get the RO. And read on the other sites on this board about keeping safe--varying travel routes, alerting coworkers, etc.--I can't remember them all. You're in danger--please take care.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
CC
Your situation sounds very similar to mine was, but there wasn't a whole lot of physical abuse in mine. I was married 27 years also. I have been free for 11 months and here are a few things I learned.
They feel they are "entitled" to whatever they want no matter what it takes.
They will use anything and everything against you.
You need counseling to separate what is happening to you and what is really suppose to happen.
Be careful, very careful. I'm still dealing with issues and am afraid of things. Some of it is because of the conditioning and other things are evident that he will never make my life easy.
Remember your DD has also been conditioned along with you, so be gentle and realize that she needs to come to terms with things her own way.
You can't change what has been done, but you have the option how you react to it.
Again, be very careful. Pack a bag, put $$ aside just in case. Make copies of all important financial papers.
Remember, they won't give up as long as they feel they have a chance of you giving in.
Terry