By definition - abuse HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
By definition - abuse HELP!!!
6
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:27pm
Can the abuse be coming from both ways? The H and the W? This isn't me. My friend. Not an Affair friend, but a friend. She's threatened to kill herself, he has a gun in the house for protection, and had to unload it one night because he feared she might kill him. What can I do? Does he know this is abuse and not love?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 5:21pm

Hi JLT -


It's hard to say from your post just what exactly is going on behind closed doors.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:42pm
jlt242, I agree with 'Blue' on one count: it is hard to know what goes on behind closed doors.

From what you describe though it could be him that is the victim. Can you give us any more informtion? Does she threaten to kill herself if he leaves her or as a result of his mis-treatment of her? Him unloading the gun out of fear of what she might do does not sound like she is the victim. Also, an abuser would likely leave it loaded and let you know about it.

Can you sight some examples of what you feel is abusive behaviour on his part? Please post more before you give the victim support information to the wrong party. I've seen may instances where an abuser will gather information for the purpose of turning the table on the victim and claim they are the ones in danger. I suppose he could be doing that to get you on his side. Again, I think this particular situation needs further explaination.

Not to step on your toes Blue but, I think we need more info before we invite a fox into the hen house, so to speak.(ok, that wasn't a very flattering analogy but, I think we've all seen enough of that for a while don't you?)

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 1:03pm

No, I agree, but I was relying on her sense of what was going on (Nerfy used the same types of threats against me, saying he was afraid I was going to beat up on him).

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 1:45pm
<>

She threatens to kill herself if he leaves her, or to solve all of his problems. She goes through his phone, his truck, checks his voicemail. She has punched him in the face. He's not the greatest to her, and everyone knows that. I think this goes both ways. Does that happen - fighting abuse by abusing?

<> He's cheated on her with over 100 women, and enjoys it. He has thrown her on the floor out of anger.

Honestly, I think it is an unhealthy relationship, but I just wanted to know that it was or wasn't abusive in nature. Or is this just a bad relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:32pm

Okay, this helps.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 3:19pm
Very sad behaviour on both sides really. A bad relationship? YES! Abuse? Yes! This is a terrible way for *anyone* to live. To be cheated on that many times? A healthy woman does not threaten to kill herself if someone like that leaves - a healthy woman throws his a$$ out the door.

The checking his phone and going through his vehicle is a control tactic of an abuser however, in this instance, if she is doing this as a direct result of his infidelity, it is not necessarily an abuse tactic as much as it is a desparate attempt to have *any* control in her (and I use the term loosely) relationship.

I just can't get over 100 TIMES and he says he enjoys it? She knows about it and she's still there? The obvious question is WHY? He does not care one bit about her feelings. He cheats and enjoys hurting her. He does not want a healthy relationship with this woman. If he did he'd be monogomous and caring or at the very least, sometimes remorseful of his actions.

She threatens him, which is another abuse tactic used to maintain control. But, she's not in control, he is. She's desparate she'll loose someone that really, what healthy individual would want? Why? Has he conditioned her to believe that no one else would want her? That is a victim mentality. It's obvious that she has very, very deep self-worth issues. Is it as a result of his abuse? That does speak of conditioning to a cycle.

See, a little more information sheds a whole new light. Could they be two abusers battling for power? I've never heard of that but, I suppose anything is possible. You said this guy is your friend. Do you hear the other side of the story or just his version. Most abusers blame the victim. At any rate, they never admit they are responsible for anything, it's always someone else's fault. But with such little info, this one is hard to pin point.

IMO, these two both need *individual* counseling very badly. This is dysfunction and it will remain the same, cycling over and over, until someone does something *INDIVIDUALLY* to change/help *THEMSELF* or someone ends up dead.(suicide, gun shot, std, etc) This appears to be a course to self destruction for both of them.

Why does he stay? Why does she stay? Habit? Coersion? Who's to blame? Who can say? I sure hope there are no children involved in this mess. You know the details (or at least one version) so reading the board's homepage and other posts here may help you figure out what is going on. Victims of abuse are always welcome here.

Keep looking up^, Susan.