Daughter needs support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Daughter needs support
4
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 6:54pm
Hi all,

I've been posting recently to the Surviving Divorce board. I've finally decided that after 23 years of emotional and verbal abuse that I've had enough. I'm doing OK - I will get through this eventually.

The problem is with my dd. She is 19 years old and away at her second year of college. She has been in counseling before for depression and post dramatic stress syndrome, from experiencing a huge family fight which started between her father and grandfather, both abusers. She has also been subjected to the emotional and verbal abuse as well as physical abuse, when she was younger, when I threatened to call 911 - the physical abuse stopped. But I feel she has a long way to go yet in her healing. Anyway - she is the photographer for her college newspaper and had an assignment to take pictures for a domestic abuse rally. After hearing one woman's story she was very upset, she called me on her way back home to tell me that she would support any action I wanted to take in order to get the divorce final, if it meant she had to testify she was ready. Wow - I'm so proud of her - she is really growing up!

Do you guys know of any links you might have to a board for children of domestic abuse victims? I told her how you all have helped me and suggested she take a look at the board. But I feel like she could relate more to other kids caught in the middle. I want her to be able to concentrate on school and keep up her great grades, but I'm getting a feeling that she is having a harder time with the divorce that she is letting on.

There will be a lot of adjustments for all of us when this is final. My STBXH makes a real good living and we have not had to worry about money - as far as the necessities go. So she has had to look into student loans and working more hours. I was paying for her college out of my wages but am not sure I will be able to help her once the divorce is final. Then of course we will be moving from the only home she has known. Sooooooooo if you could give me some suggestions on some reading material or web sites that she could relate to I would be greatful.

I also have a 16 yo ds who is now in counseling and seems to be doing OK. But maybe he would appreciate some suggestions too.

Thanks for any advise.

e

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 7:20pm
ileenie123 dear,

I hope at least one of these links can help. You can also just do a search online for information pertaining to children dealing with Domestic Violence.

I applaud you for taking a stand for yourself and your children, you have absolutely made the RIGHT decision. Good for you! Cheers! I think it is wonderful that your children are in counselling and you are all taking the appropriate steps to get healthy again and be free from the hell that you were exposed to.

I welcome you and pray for you and your childrens peace of mind and well-being. Your daughter sounds Normal, for what she has experienced, and I am sure that she has a lot of issues that she is dealing with right now. She may not be sharing all of those issues with you because she does not want to burden you with her stress on top of the stress that you are already dealing with. The best thing that you can do is just to let her know that you are there for her should she need anything, need to talk about anything at all. She is an adult now and becoming very independant which means that she may speak with you less and her friends and counselor more, which is o.k. too, as long as she is TALKING to someone. Just be supportive, like I know you are.

I am glad you have come here.

hugs, jen

http://www.citylimits.org/images_pdfs/pdfs/CWW%20Fall%202003.pdf

http://www.divorceonline.com/

http://www.womenlawyers.com/domestic.htm

http://www.2coolbaby.com/domestic.htm

http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceWomen.htm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 7:33pm
Jen,

Thank you for your speedy reply, I'll check out the web sites and pass them along. I am very proud of both kids and make sure I tell them how terrific they are. We will be alright. Of that I'm sure.

Thanks Again,

e
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 7:47pm

Hi ileenie, welcome -


For starters, you and your DD are more than welcome to post both here and upstairs at New Beginnings.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:08pm
Hello,

And Thank You too for your advise. I actually filed for divorce in January. Though I did not file on grounds of dv. I don't have any evidence and never called the police. I did tell my lawyer about the emotional and verbal abuse, and he concurred that it would be hard to prove. I will just be happy to be free of him.

I have been in counceling a couple of times, which definitaly helped me come to the decision of divorce. And I have taken "precautions" regarding our saftey and feel pretty confident that he is on some kind of medication. Cause he hasn't had a single outburst, not hardly even raised his voice! But of course "we" are waiting for him to blow at any minute, we still walk on egg shells.

One thing that did happen - he was "suddenly" fired from his job of almost 20 years. He appealed and was rehired with strict stipulations. Took me a while to find out the details but found out that he had a pretty bad argument with a supervisor and along with other "infractions" he was let go. This lasted for 2 mos. Think that this is when he got the meds cause he was real cool the whole time.

But thanks for your concern and prayers - we only have a little longer and we will be free. I just think to bring in the dv card now would only delay things indefinetly.

e