my daugter
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my daugter
| Tue, 11-02-2004 - 2:58am |
Im just hoping someone might be able to give me some good advice, my daughter met this lad just over a year ago he was a lovely lad and he would do anything for her and she was really fond of him. The trouble was he'd had a really bad upbringing he had been beaten a lot as a young child he was being brought up by his mother who was a alcoholic, he was a ver quiet boy (ill try and cut this short) he didnt live in our town and used to come to see my daughter at weekends after a few months of us knowing him he got thrown out of his house so we decided he could come and stay with us, eventually i got him into his own place and also colege, he and my daughter was inseprable up until a couple of weeks ago and my daughter started going out with her female friend a lot and leaving her boyfriend on his own and started to treat him bad, i had a word with her and she said he had hit her i didnt agree with this at all so i spoke to him he said he was really sorry and it would never happen again. This only happened just over a week ago and since my daughter has refused to see or talk to him he has sent her letters texts messages and been to the house but she wont discuss anything with him (they are both 16) he turned up at my house yesterday he looked awfull he bought a bag of christmas presents for my daughter and said he was going back to his home town as he couldnt bear the thought of not being with her. He had seen her the night before kissing this lad she had told him before they was just mates. He thanked me for everything i had done for him and said he will always love and be there for my daughter. I gave my daughter the presents and told her he was leaving she didnt show one bit of emotion (i think she is involved with this other lad) My real problem is me i just cant put him out my mind he seems an unstable boy and im just worried as he has no family that care for him i cant sleep or eat i supose im mad with my daughter i know it dosnt make a lot of sense but please if anyone has any advice id be more than grateful. She has told me this morning she wont talk about him anymore and seems to be very hard hearted when she does talk about him, i feel i need to discuss my feelongs im feeling really depresed about it all but i dont understand why,. please help

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I can try to understand your bizarre position if this was 'normal' in your upbringing. OR maybe it's that you have 'invested' so much in this boy that you *need* to deny the seriousness of his actions to protect your 'investment' so to speak. By investment I don't necessarily mean financial, although, from your post there is that part of it. "i got him into his own place and also colege, he and my daughter was inseprable up until a couple of weeks ago" "i had a word with her and she said he had hit her i didnt agree with this" Agree with what, her saying that hit her or him doing it? "so i spoke to him he said he was really sorry and it would never happen again." So you have decided to forgive him on your daughter's behalf? Now you are upset with your daughter for not putting her 16 year old neck on the line again so that you feel better? She was assulted by this person! It is not your place to decide who your daughter trusts or doesn't!
At 16, your daughter is making a very wise decision. Get away form this guy and stay away. He hit me - he's history! Why are you offended by her standing up for her basic human rights? Is it the 'investment' again? I'm sad for your daughter because you are sending her the message that, on some level, you think she deserved to be treated like that. As a mom, I'd be outraged by anyone who treated my child like that. I can't tell you the number of mothers we've had here on this board, completely distraught because, dispite everything they try, their daughter's refuse to leave men like this.
In my opinion, you should fall on your knees with thanksgiving that your daughter has decided she deserves to life free from abuse. I hope this new lad she's interested in treats her better that 'your investment' did. Leave her to her various relationship decisions. She's 16, it's her life and so far, even if you don't agree, I for one, think she's made a very good choice to kick this guy to the curb. I'm very proud of her.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
Hi Capri -
The mother in you wants to help this boy, but please understand that it is YOUR DAUGHTER that you should be proud of.
CL-Blueliner4
I think you should find some counseling for her. Someone trained in the dynamics of abuse. Contact a local shelter for woman and they can give you a referal or they may offer something themselves. The boy is history and the bruises have healed but, the stuff on the inside is the most damaging for her furture. Many who have been in a situation like this unknowingly repeat the same type of relationship. On some level it's 'normal'. She may be looking at the fella she is seeing now and telling herself, "well, he seems a bit controlling but, he's a really nice guy because at least he doesn't hit me" See what I mean?
There are good books out there too, if she's a reader. Maybe have her post here or at least read the information.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
Absolutely change the numbers.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi capridelight...as long as they get a response from you or your daughter, they will not stop, that's for sure.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
you need to start taping these phone conversations... and good thing some of them are text messages too- SAVE them. right a report. if you dont tape the calls... write down in detail when/who/what/where etc. call the police and tell them you dont want to press charges now, but want them to be AWARE of the harrassment and to please keep your file open incase something happens.
this is dangerous. i am 24 now but when i was 15, went through the same thing! only my ex had his female freinds threaten and harrass me. i thought he was out of the picture and that these girls were the only ones i had to worry about but since i did nothing and my mother and i just chose to "ignore" it and pretend they didnt bother me etc... one night he just showed up late at my work, followed me while i took the trash out and beat the crap out of me with two of his freinds. i could have died. one had a knife and the other claimed to have a gun in the back of my head though i never saw it. i laid still as the two held me and threatened me while my X kicked me and told me "say your prayers little church girl bc you wont be breathing in 5 minutes"
your daughter's ex abused her physically and could have KILLED her, not to mention that he has already threatened to kill her. make sure the police know that.
if the sister keeps calling and making threats, document it or tape it. and each time send it to the police or the detective on your case.
but the fact that she has moved on may enrage him even more. he may be walking around depressed, angry, and pissed -- PLOTTING his next move on her.
get the police involved NOW. please.
please.
I predicted in one of my personal emails to you that this would happen. Teens thrive on drama and dont look to the serious sides of it all . They see a soapbox... not abuse. if she ran from one abusive relationship and jumped to the arms of another man, it is HIGHLY likely that he, too, is abusive or will be and then hang it over her head how he's "not like the ex boyfreind and she should be grateful to him"
Where is her father?
If her father is not in the picture she is probably jumping into the arms of ANY male figure that gives her attention without allowing herself to heal.
You need to get her into counseling NOW to figure out why she allows this behavior.
anything short of counseling WILL NOT WORK.
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