Need Help to Leave Him
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Need Help to Leave Him
| Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:20am |
I appreciate all the great input I get on this Board and need help now more than ever.
I am still living with my husband and he's been so abusive to me the last few weeks. I keep telling him his abuse is scarring me deeply and all he says is "Are we really fighting still because I called you names?"
He says that's the way he is and he cannot change that.
I have to leave. I do not want to be abused anymore. I do not want to be called names anymore, I just want some peace in my life. But it's so hard to do! It's so hard just to pack up and leave him because I do still love him, but WHY? How in the WORLD can I love someone who abuses me???
I'm so confused!
Catlover66

I guess you just have to decide if your misery without him would be worse than your misery with him.. and let me tell you, I know from experience, it will definately be worse in the beginning without him because you do love him and because it is such a drastic change from your life. But then you start to really FEEL your freedom. You start to notice all of the little things that you had missed and forgotten about because you were so wrapped up in taking care of HIS needs instead of your own.
He is not going to change, Cat. He told you that himself. He is not going to change and that is that. He has no want to change, why would he? He is not the one that is miserable, you are, so why would HE change. That is the mistake that many women make, including myself, thinking we can "save" them, if we just TRY harder, WORK harder, change this and that about ourselves, that will make them all better and they will be different. But that is so wrong. We spend so much time and energy running around in circles, jumping through hoops and they just sit back and watch and continue to scream in our faces as we do it. They have all of the control that way and they do know it, so why would they want anything different? It is sick and twisted, I know, and i am so sorry that you are living in that situation. That isn't healthy for you.
It wasn't until my "awakening" slowly begun that I realized all of this about my X. I was the one walking on eggshells, I was the one giving up everything I loved to try and make things peaceful at home. I was the one working my butt off to support our family. I was the one begging and pleading, waiting on him, anticipating every mood, every action, every moment. I was the one beaten and bruised...
He was the one having a good time. He was the one telling everyone else what to do, or else. He was the one sitting back with his feet up while me and the kids scrambled around every day just trying to steer clear of him, but showing just enough love towards him to not get "in trouble." Of course he wasn't going to change, he was doing everything he wanted to do!
You are not happy. You are here and that is good, but that means that you are truly NOT happy. You know the right answers already, they are inside of you, we all KNOW, even if it is burried so deeply by our conditioning, it is still there inside of us. You have to make the decision to free yourself and start living again.
I wish you much luck, stay with the boards, they are such a help.
take care, hugs, jen
Don't know if this helps, but I like to look at it this way: You don't love this man who is abusing you. You love a man that you have always hoped your husband would/could be. You have built him there in your heart, using little pieces of the good from your husband, and endowing it with his face and every nice thing he has ever said or done. But in real life, he doesn't exist.
I'm 26. We've been married 18 months. Before that, we dated for four years. I didn't see "warning signs" before we married -- I saw flat-out proof of what was to come. In fact, some of the worst behavior came long before the marriage (in terms of actual violence, anyway) but we always had one crisis to deal with after another -- his mom was diagnosed with cancer soon after his biggest explosion -- and I felt like I had a purpose then, there was a reason I hadn't yet left. My own mom had died of cancer when I was a kid, so I thought that I was put in this situation to help another family get through the same tragedy. It might have been true, but I think I'm dried up in terms of helpfulness. Now, there's no crisis (except the ones he invents daily because he doesn't seem to think life should be somewhat peaceful when possible, as I do), the REAL honeymoon phase is over and I'm left wondering why the hell I didn't leave when I KNEW I should have long ago.
That might not be like your situation, so sorry for the babbling.
My point is this: I know I have to leave, and from what you've written, it's clear you have to leave. I'm photocopying financial paperwork and stuff now so that I can bring it all to a lawyer and figure out how to not get screwed when all is said and done. My husband is a penny-pincher. He likes to pretend he's the only one making money in this household, never mind that I make a good bit myself and am getting great feedback in a really competitive field. In short, he's shown me that he will overvalue what he deserves and try to leave me high and dry financially. So I'm trying to safeguard against that. Perhaps you'll want to do the same.
I don't know what to do after that. I know I should meet with a lawyer, but I don't know where to go when I leave. I want to buy my own house, but I probably can't do that until he and I are officially finished. So maybe I have to move into an apartment for a while, which I really didn't want to do. But maybe I'll have to.
What kinds of logistical questions do you have? Maybe we can figure them out together. I feel lost when it comes to the HOW of things. I know what I SHOULD do, but I have no idea how to pull it off. And I'm afraid to talk too openly to friends and family because my husband doesn't know how far along I am in my planning. I'm sure he thinks that my threats these past few weeks will disappear, just as my threats before have. I've given probably a dozen ultimatums, and he's pretended like he's going to do his part (go to therapy, etc.), but he always ends up with some excuse. I don't want to tip him off yet because I don't want him to have the upper hand.
Anyhow, I'm done. I talked too much about my situation, but I guess I thought you might be able to glean something from that. You need to leave. I need to leave. Maybe we can figure this thing out together.
A
I've been married for almost a year now (Nov. 26) and I KNEW before I got married what my husband was like. He has gotten worse since we've married and he just cannot see how damaging his verbal abuse is. I've tried everything to show him and tell him how hard it is on me, but he just screams and yells more. We don't have any kids, Thank God because then I may never leave.
I'm 37 years old and I've been married before to the same kind of man.
Your post sounded like you do have to leave. It's a very hard thing to do. Once you do it there's sadness and you feel down for awhile, but then you realize how FREE you are. You don't have to walk on eggshells everyday just hoping that you won't do something to tick him off. And you don't have to think for ten minutes about how to say something before you say it.
We were supposed to host Thanksgiving for my parents this year and that's why I'm still here, however, we cannot even sit down and talk about it because he just gets angry when I tell him what going on and what is reality. I remember saying to him today how much I've tried to understand his anger by reading books and articles and talking to people, his response was "You haven't done Sh--!" So, I guess that tells me how far I am going to get with that conversation. It's no use for me because my husband thinks that If "I" make him mad then it's "OK" to call me names and yell. But only if I didn't make him so angry, he wouldn't call me names. Yeah right. He CHOOSES to call me names and your husband CHOOSES to treat you the way he does and that is wrong. period.
Feel free to contact me anytime if you need advice. Sadly, I've been through this before so I may be of some help, if not just a friend! I'm at tammiecorcoran@verizon.net.
catlover66