Tired and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Tired and Confused
4
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 2:30pm
After years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, I finally left my husband. Two months ago after he gave me a black eye while I held my 12-month-old daughter in my arms I left and I haven't gone back since. I've begged him to get counseling and to go to marriage counseling with me. Finally, when two weeks ago I got the courage to file for divorce, he decided that he would "do anything" to mend the marriage. He's full of contrition and apologies. Everyday there are tears and phone calls and e-mails.

The frustrating part of this is, well, one of the frustrating parts ... is that I feel badly that he's so hurt. Can you imagine? I want to believe that he's sincere, even though there's a voice inside my head that says that he's not. He did get a counselor and he's even gone to one appointment so far, but then again, as soon as he got the appointment he began pressuring me to come home. He vacillates between "I'll wait as long as you need", to "I'm doing everything and getting nothing in return".

I finally decided I have to just move forward and get this over with. I'm so tired. I feel sick and sad and scared. But sort of relieved too. My 13-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter) has told me that he was verbally abusive to her. Some of the things that she's told me make me ashamed that I stayed for as long as I did. And I can't understand how someone who has been so horrible for so long, could just change so suddenly overnight, just because he finally "realized what he had" as he puts it. It just doesn't ring true with me.

Anyway, I'm new here. Hi. Anyone else tired?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:26pm

Hi K and welcome -


I'm tired, too, but not for the same reasons.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 9:56pm
hi kapstula,

I have been lurking around here since July,,,when my H was arrested and hauled off to jail twice.

I too am exhausted. : )

((((HUGS))))

Hang in there, and take it one day at a time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 10:06am
Thanks so much for your replies. It does help to have others to "talk" to about this. It's so strange. I find myself feeling so strong and then there are other times when I catch myself thinking "if he'll really change then...."

I know that I won't go back. I've made the decision and it feels like finally I can breathe. But I hate that feeling of regret of what's been lost. I had always heard about those "other" men who abused their wives/spouses. How charming and wonderful they were when, of course, they weren't being horrible. But I never got it until now. Even though I've been living it for all of these years. It's scary how easy it is to close your eyes and erase the bad things from your memory if you want to badly enough.

It's still hard for me to accept it sometimes. I'm trying to look ahead and not behind. Why do I feel guilty about the pain that I'm causing him by leaving and "taking his family away" as he tells me now. He didn't care that we were there before. Why am I not angrier? I should be. Instead I just feel sad and numb. I hate this. I want my life back. I want ME back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:29pm
Hi there,

You'll get you back, no worries. It'll start in small glimmers that grow and grow and then, eventually, you'll be you again almost all the time. And it will feel wonderful, b/c you'll also be the you that drew the line and said, 'NO. I value myself and my family too much to allow us to be treated like this any longer. THIS IS NOT THE WAY MY LIFE IS GOING TO GO.' It takes a strong, committed woman to do that, a good mom, and you are both of those things. Congratulations. I can breathe too, and sing and dance and all manner of good things. That is, when I'm not ready to drop.

I'm exhausted, especially tonight--I'm fighting off the bug my son had last week and feeling a little blue on top of it. But I wanted to write to cheer you on. And hey, a few vitamin C tablets later, I'll be back on track. It really is better to face the truth, mourn both what you had and what you didn't, and then go about making something better.

Good luck, sweetie

CC