Some Questions-Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Some Questions-Please Help
4
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 7:53pm
Hi, I have posted on another board about issues I am dealing with regarding myself lately, things I am NOT happy about. But that is another issue, kind of. The reason I came back here is because I am confused again. What I want to know is: for those of you who have married your abusive husbands, did they change DRASTICALLY and treat you wonderfully right before they were going to propose? I need to be reminded why I started posting here - gasp- a year ago. I feel like so much has gone on this year but i am still stuck, completely immobile.

My bf has really started acting better lately-I mean, he still has control issues (over the TV, or I feel like I constantly have to tell him what my plans are for the evening b/c I don't want to disappoint him)---not that telling him my plans is a bad thing, but I'm talking about how I still think he expects me to come up with dinner, etc for us---which is fine, but it shouldn't be expected. And he denies that he cares about that, he thinks of himself as "laid back"; yet if I am not home when he thinks because I'm out to dinner w/a friend or soemthing he gets mad b/c he claims he "waited for me" (but doesn't tell me that). Anyway, that is all babble.

But what I wonder is if he is really changing or not. I know over and over on this board everyone says that abusers don't change. But he is acting SO different lately, seeming to care more about me and my opinions etc. I feel that i am numb to it in a way. I am also seeing a therapist again (SOOOOOOOO expensive!) to try to work out why I've acted in ways that I don't like lately, and of course over my relationship.

The problem is that i seem to have developed a complete phobia of talking with my boyfriend about my feelings. I really want to express that I have doubts, but can't do it. There NEVER is a good time---either he is in a great mood that i don't want to ruin, or we are on a trip that I don't want to ruin, or we're watching a movie at night and I don't want to be up all night fighting, or a friend is over, etc etc etc. Its like i am COMPLETLEY frozen, yet incredibly panicked because I feel that he is going to take that next step. And I do love him and don't want to hurt him - and can't stop second guessing myself if I were to say something how wrong of a decision it might be. What do you do? And, back to my original question-is this a behavior pattern or is it something new?

Thank you....again....sorry if this does not read that clearly, I am in a rush to write this as I sit at work. I appreicate any responses!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:39pm

Hi -


Two things:


Gut reaction is that he's after something, and that something is a ring on your finger to tie you down further and to keep you from getting away.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 11:39am
Do you think he "thinks" about it this way? Or do you think he is genuinely excited about the prospect of getting married (to me)? I can't tell if HE actually thinks he's turning over a new leaf or not. Its hard for me to think he is 100% manipulative all the time...hard to think that the loving and attention is all an act.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:52pm
In a way it doesn't matter if he believes it or not, irregardless of what he believes chances are very very high that he will go back to his old behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:50pm

changing. hmmm.


sometimes the behavior or sudden "peace" inthe house is not really the indicator of change. check this out... helped me alot.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=23965.1