Repost - cutelilrdnk

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Registered: 11-12-2003
Repost - cutelilrdnk
11
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:17pm

This needed to be reposted so it would get the attention it deserves. - CL-Blueliner4


CL-Blueliner4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:52pm

Hi Sweetie -


CL-2nd_Life sent me the link to your thread, and I have to agree with her on just about everything she said.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:28pm
I love him! I dont want to be without him! We had a long talk and he opened up to me! We talked about children, marriage, etc! He said he wouldnt hurt me and I believe him! I have no reason not to! Hes never hurt me before! We also talked about how he talks to me and he said he was sorry and he wouldnt do it anymore!! I believe him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:44pm

I understand that you have very strong feelings about him, and I can respect that.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 11:25pm

Hi cutelilrdnk...telling you what to do, telling you to shut-up, calling you a bitch,

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:24am

There are a couple of things, cutelilrdnk, that much as you'd like, I don't think you can ignore. You posted just a little bit about your relationship and not only did I think it was abusive, but so did the cl's on this abuse board. Doesn't the fact that three total strangers each immediately saw abuse in it tell you that even though you don't see it, it's there and it's obvious to those who have dealt with abuse before? Think about that.




On the PSFC board you told me that your mother's relationships had been abusive. I told you how much danger you were in to end up in abusive situations because of what you saw that you believed to be normal while you were growning up. I told you how many women have sworn they wouldn't end up like their mothers, thought they were paying attention and being careful, only to realize five years down the road that they were in abusive relationships too. Your response to me was ""I have a bad history with guys and I know my childhood was not a very healthy one and was not a good example to model my life around!! I so far have not done anything like my Mother and I refuse to!! Can you see that this is exactly the thinking those women I described to you were thinking? Sweetie, your story, your relationship, everything you're saying says you're headed down the exact same path as your mother and every other woman who thought she could figure it out on her own!




Please stay on this board, keep reading, keep posting and listen.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:07am

Hi, cutelilrdnk and welcome.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 6:09pm
Hey, this is amanda (you initially responded to my post about my exboyfriend), and i just wanted to let you know that i can completely relate to how you feel. i haven't read through all the posts, so i don't know the exact circumstances of your relationshp and what all the other women have said, but my exboyfriend did some of the exact same things. initially when we started going out he was so sweet and always held my hand, or gave me hugs. however, in the last few months it declined to the point where he would resist holding my hand, and the only times we would ever kiss would be a peck on the lips to say goodbye. part of me just assumed that the 'spark' was gone, but i have come to realize that in a sense it was abusive because he would withhold affection from me and then get upset at me if i tried to be physical in any way (whether that be holding his hand, or something more). it got to the point where he wouldn't want to sit next to me on the couch if we were watching a movie, and would snap off at me if i tried to hold his hand or kiss him. he never hit me or called me names, but he was just so moody all the time and always made me feel like i was doing something wrong.

i guess that's kind of how we relate. i know you said he calls you a bitch sometimes, and just listening to you take the blame for it, is EXACTLY what i did. i'd be like 'well maybe i am too clingy, maybe i am too annoying, maybe i am to posessive'...and the more he blamed everything on me, the more i would continue to doubt myself. by the end of the relationship he i just kind of felt like there was nothing good about me or worthwhile, because he would just constantly pick me apart. the funny thing is, despite the fact that i knew he wasn't treating me with respect, i never broke up with him. and when he did break up with me, i was completely devastated.

i'm not saying you need to leave him, it would be very hipocritical of me to say that because i knew i was not being treated well and i still stuck around. and i know how much you love him and want to believe him. maybe he will change, maybe he will stop calling you names and maybe he will never physically harm you...but you also need to protect yourself and put yourself first. you're really young (i am too, so i can relate), you don't need to worry about getting married and having children right now. if you look at some of the posts on the website from other women, you can see how much more difficult it can be to leave if things get bad, once all the legalities of marriage and the presence of children exist. please take care of yourself. it can be really hard, but you made a good first move by coming here and talking to these women on the message boards. they've helped me a lot and are all really supportive and knowledgeable. good luck. keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 8:54pm
Thank you for not jumping down my throat about it and telling me how you can relate!! I appreciate the help the others have given me but they scared me with all the talking of abuse and stuff! I came to this board bc someone told me! I posted a message bc I wanted to know if someone could help me with my problem not scare me even more!! I never thought my b/f was abusive! I don't know what to do! I love him and for someone to tell me I don't love him just bc we havent been together that long makes me mad!! No one knows but me! Thank you for talking to me! I very much appreciate it!! Feel free to talk to me about whatever.....I will be here and listen!!

Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 9:25am

Kristina, I'm glad you have continued to stick around and read and I am glad that you have made a connection with Amanda.

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:01pm
Gentle Hugs Kristina! After reading what you have posted and all the others I hope an pray that you sit back,,take a deep breath and slow down abit. What CL-Blue and CL-Mommacaj and all the others are saying is not to scare you but to let you see your life 5, 10, 15 years ahead. They have been there, they have been crazy in love with someone who in time would bring some to the brink of death because they didn't stop and see the warning signs that were held up to them.

You are very young and impressionable and he's hoping you don't change,,yet. I'm not doubting that you are in love with him, but he is showing that he is not in love with you!

Love will not matter in all this if your love is not returned many times over. He is telling you the words you need to hear then speaking his mind, all in an attempt to confuse you, and it's working. It's his slow manipulation of your emotions that will be his main tool of choice, after all, he knows what you want to make your life perfect,,but he also knows that he can give you none of it while he gives you empty promises. And you want to believe it so bad,,you may not see he's lying to you.

I know this because a very close friends daughter is living this right now. She is so afraid of living like her Mom did that she's tried to make perfection around her so that she doesn't. But in doing this she has allowed an abuser to confine her, to control her, to make her pregnant constantly so that she is too sick to think straight, to use her own guilt against her by calling her a bad Mom to her two daughters, Hell he's even tried to get her pregnant within a month of her last baby.

The reason for him to do this is so that no one could get close enough to her while she was feeling better to show her what he is doing. She fought off everyone, including me, by telling me that he was not abusive, that he just had a few problems, but they talked them out and all was fine. Well, his slight problems would empty the bank account every month just before rent was due, he would need his drugs and buddies to get a grip on it all. Well she's finally seen him for what he is and she is divorcing him. But of course he doesn't pay child support, his needs are more, he probably never will. She's fighting back and she will do OK now that she is opening her eyes. She's just turned 25.

So dear Kristina, please, sit down, take a deep breath, slow your thinking and for a moment if you can, see the future through these ladies eyes. See how he is trying to entrap you and isolate you. Like Blue said, it's not for us to say you have to leave, all we are asking is that you learn, learn the dynamics of abuse, learn to open and educate your mind before closing off the world by following your emotions. Education is your greatest friend, read the posts of others, read the homepages and explore the links on them. Learn Kristina, not to make you more scared, but to ease your mind, to open it so that you can see if what your boyfriend is doing is actually that he cares or that he's setting you up for years of misery and abuse. I fear the later.

I hope this all helps and that you keep posting, asking, venting and knowing that you are not alone in this anymore,,,you have many wonderful women here who care, who can help.

Abuse is someone's need to have total control and power over another's life. Love is used against us, and do not confuse what he calls love and what is abuse. Love does not leave bruises on either our bodies or our minds. But abuse does.

Hugs

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