A bad situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
A bad situation
5
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 11:46am
I am new to all of this (including admitting abuse) but would welcome as many words of wisdom and advice as I can get.

I have been in this marriage now for 9 years and have one small child. For years, even before marrying, I have been told my husband is an angry, violent person with dangerous tendencies. But of course, as I have heard in many stories, he had his times when he was calm and semi reasonable and so I forgave and stayed. For years I have dealt with criticism, put downs, violent outbursts resulting in broken dishes and walls, and threats like 'you haven't seen me truly angry'. Even once having my rib broken after being pushed across a table in an outburst. And him often insisting that he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

He tells me that he sacrificed everything for me and makes me feel I owe him for it. He also has said he has thought of committing suicide and said it would be all of my fault. But what made me think that it was time to bail wasn't all of this, surprisingly. It was what he started saying he would do to others when he got angry about his job situation. He began talking about how he wanted to kill people and that he had no problem with that. He even described how he would do it. He talked about going into my place of work and going on a rampage. He would often emphasize that 'nobody messes with me'.

I have decided I must get away and people have warned me that he could potentially be dangerous. Fortunately I am financially secure and have always been able to take care of myself in that respect. However, it is little consolation when you think the person whom you tried so hard to love may want to seriously hurt you ... or worse .... I guess this is the problem I am having the hardest time dealing with. What will he do or try to do to me? Why does he have so much hatred and such a keen sense of revenge for anyone who he thinks has hurt him? Why is he so selfish to only think of his hurt and not be capable of thinking of the hurt he has exacted on others who he claimed to have loved? I have come to the conclusion that staying isn't an option either, because I felt it was a matter of time before something seriously bad happened anyhow. Something brought on by a tramatic event in his life that, though I may have no control over it, I would be the one he would take out all of the anger on.

Any words of support for an extremely anxious person is very welcomed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:29pm

Hi dear, and welcome -


You are right in following your instincts on this one.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 1:10am

Hi hglucky...wow, wow, what a situation you have on your hands.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 2:08am
I appreciate the words of advice. It still feels like I am in a dream over all of this and so in order to do what needs to be done, I have begun to just follow what I am told to do because as I have told my counselor, I feel like I can no longer trust myself on this. What I have done already is get myself a good lawyer, a counselor, and a place to go. What I have is time for now. My spouse has left on a trip for one month, enough to give me time to do this planning. However, I am feeling rather anxious about my timing. It is near Christmas and his mother was planning on coming back with him to celebrate it. He was then threatening to leave again in February and 'maybe never come back'. My choices were to stick around through Christmas and then do something in February, assuming he actually went back, or to do something now. I guess I chose the later because after a very nasty parting, I wondered if I could make it through Christmas with him. I can't pretend to be the warm and loving wife anymore because he just scares me too much. And after being yelled at, called an iceberg, and told how so many women throw themselves at him all the time, told how maybe I am not the right woman for him, and accusing all his colleagues at work of calling him a gold digger and how he would show them just what a gold digger he could be.... Then of course the issue with my son, and how he could take him away.... He has also bragged to some people that he is quite well off. After doing some quick calculations in my head, it seems at least possible he has siphened off a rather huge chunk of money to a private account. He did control the money after all and I never knew what he was 'investing' from either my pay check or his. All I knew is that he always yelled at me about how we we were going bankrupt.

I guess all of these senarios turned in my head of how Christmas would turn out to be. But then out of fear I was planning on taking a full injunction out to protect myself. He will be furious. No house to stay in and no child. And at Christmas time. But what can I do? What also worries me is that I have an excellent job which will allow me time away because of this. But how long is enough before there is no risk anymore? Is there any GOOD time to do this? Is there a time when one can say finally that it is safe to go home again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:50pm
Hi,

some of this sounds so like my thoughts. I too, keep thinking about when is a good time to leave. And I keep thinking about my kids birthday or Christmas, or something like that. But then I tell myself that I am just postponing the inevitable. There is going to be disruption, no matter when. We can probably plan for it so that the disruption is small. Because I have gone through with the disruption before, I know I can handle it, but thinking about the effect on my children who are older now, just makes me very nervous.

My H also keeps saying he will go away for good, but never does. He had threatened suicide many times, especially when we were separated. He has said several times the he is ready to split everythig and divorce, but it is always in a shouting rage, never rationally.

Can't you get an OFP so you can stay in the house with your son, and he leaves?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:33pm
My counselor echoed the same thoughts that 'there is never a good time to leave'. I must mention something my spouse said that sounded completely outrageous just yesterday over the phone. After once again saying I was costing the marriage, bragging about how happy he was away from me, and telling me how much I hurt him, he said in the most nasty of voices that 'you are an enabler'. He told me to go look it up on the internet because 'that's exactly what you are'. Funny thing is that he made it sound like an accusation. When I looked it up, I had to agree with him. Yes, I lived in a relationship for 9 years and failed to put my foot firmly down or to leave him long ago. But the way he said it seemed to say to me 'you let me behave this way and its your fault if I hurt you'. As if I am his mother responsible for diciplining him. This was quite shocking to be blamed for such a thing and completely contradictory to logic.

Anyway, about the house. Yes, the house is mine actually. I want to leave only because I don't trust a restraining order to protect me. My plan is to return to it of course, but not until I can feel safe. My fears are, how long will that be?