Help - getting cold feet

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Help - getting cold feet
5
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:53pm
Hi,

I have posted here off and on, and am really in need of some moral support. I have been in an abusive marriage (verbal, emoional, a lot, some physical). We separated couple of years ago afer I got an OFP. He moved in last year again after a many promises to change, going to counseling, promises to do all the effort to make marriage work etc. While we were separated, I had total mental peace, especially when he had supervised visit with the kids, even though I had to manage the kids, full time job, wiht hardly any free time for myself. But I wasn't very sure about the kids emotional health growing up in a single parent household, and also listening to his desperate promises, I let him move back in. Needless to say, it has been broken promises all the way, and now I am convinced that separating is not just good for me but the kids also.

Anyway, I have decided to get another OFP and also file for divorce. I have retained a lawyer who helped me before. I am supposed to meet with him on Monday and the same day file for an OFP. H will be asked to leave the house when he is served with it. Before, when I went through teh OFP procedure, I did it all on adreanaline, after a particularly bad incident. Now though, there has not been recent serious incidents so I feel cold and calculating doing this so methodically. similar to many posts here, he is also abusive in spurts, and being perfectly nice and helpful in between. He has been particualrly nice arranging our boy's birthday party, and another event. He does a lot of work around the house, takes care of kids etc. Although there have been more frequent verbal outbursts as to how everything is messy, kids leaving everything around, his shouting at them for trivial things. There have been rages, shoutings, banging of dishes,denigraitng my looks, intelligence, family, my work. When I do file for the OFP, he will get a nasty shock of course, and for me and the kids too, life would change a lot. I don't know if I am doing the right thing, and am getting all stressed out thinking about it although I know I need to do something. The friend I talk with is out of the country, and I don't have others to talk with. I have already postponed the lawyer meeting by a week. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:58pm

Hi kuku, welcome back -


Take a second look at what you wrote.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 2:10am
I have been going through something similar. I feel cold and calculating for taking action behind his back and have asked myself many times if I am doing the right thing. Cold and calculating isn't a natural behavior for me. I have also questioned it for all of the times he HAS been nice. But then I realize how happy I am when he is gone. I made a sort of diary of the worst episodes we have had and remember how ugly it can get. It seems to me that being happy when someone is gone and admitting to a habitual string of frightening outbursts and attacks is not normal in a relationship. For those whom I truly love and care about, I never wish them to disappear forever and I am certainly not afraid of them. Perhaps the reason for our doubts is that we care about others' feelings. We care about a man who does not really care about us. So what to do? Giving without receiving is something like charity. It wasn't in the marriage contract. And I remind myself that my 4 year old son should never have been recruited into this 'charity' program either. So my end conclusion was that I have to leave. I am afraid, and still have doubts, but am sticking to the above conclusions that I have drawn, which I think were made reasonably and fair. Every now and then when I am not sure what to do, I am turning to my support group and asking to be pointed in the right direction. It's times like these that I feel like a blind person feeling my way around. But I have confidence that this all will pass and a much brighter future is ahead for both myself and my son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:28pm
Thank you blueliner and hglucky. Your advice and thoughts are so on the mark. I know I need to go through with this, but it is pretending this weekend as if nothing is going on that is stressful. I don't like deception and this has been just getting to me. It is comforting to know how others handled it when they were going through similar situations. Well here it comes, tomorrow. Once he gets served, he might try calling my children at their daycare/school to talk with them. My kids are 8 and 4. He cries to them, tells them they won't see dad ever again, mom has done all this to dad. I hope he doesn't do that this time. I will let you know how it al goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 1:10pm

Call the school, alert them to what is going on.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:57pm

Well, I met with my lawyer on Monday who took much information to file for a divorce. He made a summary of all the recent events of abuse and I filed for the OFP. But the temp OFP which has been signed by the judge won't be served to him until tomorrow, so it has been very stressful the last couple of days pretending nothing has happened. The hearing is set for next week. The OFP is going to be for the kids also, and I have asked for supervised visits with him for now, because of the state and his temper when he does get served. I didn't want him influencing the kids in such as state. Although I keep wondering if I went overboard in doing that. The kids are so attached to him but I recognize they are not growing up in a normal way with all this going on.

I am bracing for tomorrow and to break it to the kids. Does anyone who has gone through this have a good idea how to talk with the kids about it? I did do it before but they were younger, now they are 8 and almost 5 and ask more questions. Thanks for your support.